Dan getting Rather delirious

Dan Rather, quoted in the Hollywood Reporter:

“Ed Murrow’s ghost is here. I’ve seen him and talked to him on the third floor of this building many times late at night. And I can tell you that he’s watching over us.”

Dan must be loopy on phony document printing press fumes. I have it on good authority that Murrow’s ghost was kicked out of the building by Mayor Bloomberg for smoking… months ago.

Another whopper told by Rather!

If it doesn't fit, Jesse should git!

When Jesse Jackson shows up, you know you can rest easy, because everything will be made fair. Okay, with that laugh out of the way…

The Reverend-who-should-read-the-Ten-Commandments-more-often is disputing the counting of votes in Ohio because it must have been crooked. The reason? Kerry lost.

Yep, we’re back to the “disenfranchised voter” thing, which basically ends up meaning somebody who didn’t follow the legal process in registering, or isn’t registered at all. Or perhaps they’re people who didn’t even care enough to vote– But Jesse considers that disenfranchisement, since the person’s obviously been brainwashed by a conservative juggernaut to be indifferent.

In Florida in 2000, Jackson claimed there were a million “disenfranchised voters.” The obvious question is how can Jackson know how many of them there are, since the whole point of the thing is that they were denied the right to be counted in the first place?

Jackson begins the final paragraph in his op-ed piece, which is a bit of a disappointment since there’s not a rhyme to be found, with, “This country needs no more Floridas and Ohios.”

Unlikely, Reverend… at least not until you retire.

If it doesn’t fit, Jesse should git!

When Jesse Jackson shows up, you know you can rest easy, because everything will be made fair. Okay, with that laugh out of the way…

The Reverend-who-should-read-the-Ten-Commandments-more-often is disputing the counting of votes in Ohio because it must have been crooked. The reason? Kerry lost.

Yep, we’re back to the “disenfranchised voter” thing, which basically ends up meaning somebody who didn’t follow the legal process in registering, or isn’t registered at all. Or perhaps they’re people who didn’t even care enough to vote– But Jesse considers that disenfranchisement, since the person’s obviously been brainwashed by a conservative juggernaut to be indifferent.

In Florida in 2000, Jackson claimed there were a million “disenfranchised voters.” The obvious question is how can Jackson know how many of them there are, since the whole point of the thing is that they were denied the right to be counted in the first place?

Jackson begins the final paragraph in his op-ed piece, which is a bit of a disappointment since there’s not a rhyme to be found, with, “This country needs no more Floridas and Ohios.”

Unlikely, Reverend… at least not until you retire.

On the lighter side, for the first time visitors

In addition to my stabs at political humor in my weekly column, I write greeting cards for American Greetings, and, when I have a bit of free time combined with a lack of REM sleep, I also write parody news stories, just to stay in the humor mindset. The latter doesn’t pay at all, but is the most fun… but that’s usually the case with just about anything in life. Here are two of my personal favorite news spoofs:

George Will to publish book of children’s stories

And…

Dennis Miller migrates again– Tunes out conservatism, tunes in Marxism

Letter from another happy customer

David R. is thrilled that I wrote about Dan Rather:

Nobody out here gives a care about Dan Rather. Only you columinists do for some reason. When he first came on the air we all knew he was a big blowhard promoted by the stations. We never liked listened to or paid any attention to him. Who IS he? What does he know? And who cares. Shut up about him already and lets get on with news life.

For somebody who doesn’t care at all about Dan Rather, he sure seems passionate about the issue, doesn’t he? If he never listened or paid attention, how does he know that he doesn’t care? I’m way overthinking this, aren’t I?

Nobody's "failed upward" more than you, Babs

Barbra Streisand’s at it again, blasting Condoleeza Rice as someone who has “failed upward.” Babs says that Condi has “been judged by **experts as ‘one of the weakest National Security Advisors in recent history’.”

(**Chances are these “experts” are James Brolin and her hairdresser…assuming they’re not one in the same)

I’m noticing a distinct change in strategy from the Hollywood left. They were criticizing Bush himself for many years, saying he was an idiot and illegitimate president, and was handed the Oval Office by a partisan Supreme Court. Now, Bush had a clear, large victory on election day, so that argument has been taken away. They’re working on those who work for the Bush administration now. To Babs, if a black woman makes it any higher than a seamstress, something crooked, dishonest, and dangerous must be in the works.

Keep chattering, Barbra. You’re one of the right wing’s best assets. And keep charging $500 for tickets to your concerts, where you launch into between-songs diatribes about the evils of corporate greed. I like my irony thick, and you provide just that. Thank you.

Nobody’s “failed upward” more than you, Babs

Barbra Streisand’s at it again, blasting Condoleeza Rice as someone who has “failed upward.” Babs says that Condi has “been judged by **experts as ‘one of the weakest National Security Advisors in recent history’.”

(**Chances are these “experts” are James Brolin and her hairdresser…assuming they’re not one in the same)

I’m noticing a distinct change in strategy from the Hollywood left. They were criticizing Bush himself for many years, saying he was an idiot and illegitimate president, and was handed the Oval Office by a partisan Supreme Court. Now, Bush had a clear, large victory on election day, so that argument has been taken away. They’re working on those who work for the Bush administration now. To Babs, if a black woman makes it any higher than a seamstress, something crooked, dishonest, and dangerous must be in the works.

Keep chattering, Barbra. You’re one of the right wing’s best assets. And keep charging $500 for tickets to your concerts, where you launch into between-songs diatribes about the evils of corporate greed. I like my irony thick, and you provide just that. Thank you.

O'Reilly proves that we tend to support charities closest to home

Dan Rather has many sympathetic defenders after his phony National Guard document fiasco. In a Saturday Boston Herald op-ed, Bill O’Reilly believes that Dan Rather “made a mistake… but is not dishonest”, a line Bill himself has no doubt been repeating often in private circles ever since the debut of “The Phone Sex Factor”, and accompanying lawsuit.

O’Reilly completely misses the mark. The point isn’t that Rather knowingly put forward false documents in the hopes that they would be catastrophic to the Bush campaign– It’s that Rather’s Pavlovian response of wanting the documents to be authentic caused his research to be as thorough as your average 17 year old boy trying to do algebra homework while a Baywatch rerun is on TV.

Something else should make seekers of truth as jumpy as a FOX News intern who sees Bill O’Reilly’s number pop up on their caller ID in the middle of the night– Dan Rather’s stepping away from the anchor desk, but CBS is still going to let him do “60 Minutes II”. This is like taking Joseph Hazelwood’s key ring, confiscating the car key, and giving him back the key to the oil tanker.

I’ll cover this more in Monday’s column at WorldNetDaily.

O’Reilly proves that we tend to support charities closest to home

Dan Rather has many sympathetic defenders after his phony National Guard document fiasco. In a Saturday Boston Herald op-ed, Bill O’Reilly believes that Dan Rather “made a mistake… but is not dishonest”, a line Bill himself has no doubt been repeating often in private circles ever since the debut of “The Phone Sex Factor”, and accompanying lawsuit.

O’Reilly completely misses the mark. The point isn’t that Rather knowingly put forward false documents in the hopes that they would be catastrophic to the Bush campaign– It’s that Rather’s Pavlovian response of wanting the documents to be authentic caused his research to be as thorough as your average 17 year old boy trying to do algebra homework while a Baywatch rerun is on TV.

Something else should make seekers of truth as jumpy as a FOX News intern who sees Bill O’Reilly’s number pop up on their caller ID in the middle of the night– Dan Rather’s stepping away from the anchor desk, but CBS is still going to let him do “60 Minutes II”. This is like taking Joseph Hazelwood’s key ring, confiscating the car key, and giving him back the key to the oil tanker.

I’ll cover this more in Monday’s column at WorldNetDaily.

Beer goggles & fertitlity drugs running rampant

The number of women over the age of 40 giving birth exceeded 100,000 for the first time in 2003. There were 1,512 first time mothers between the ages of 45 and 54 last year as well. An inevitable corresponding increase in consumption of fertility drugs, Viagra, and booze is soon to be reported, no doubt.

At any given time of the day, somewhere, there are old people having sex. As I soon will begin to plow into my 40’s, I find that fact somewhat comforting.