Monthly Archives: December 2004

Viktor Yushchenko wins in Ukraine, still afraid to eat

Viktor Yushchenko won “Ukraine election II”, defeating Viktor Yanukovich after Yanukovich’s first win was thrown out by a court. The crowd at Yushchenko’s campaign headquarters was rowdy, yelling and chanting Viktor’s name, but grew deadly silent after Yushchenko asked if anybody wanted to be his food taster.

As for Yanukovich, he’s refusing to accept defeat, and will soon grab a seat right next to Al Gore at the Sore Loser Bar & Grill, located just off Route 11 in the state of Denial.

Somewhere, a bumbling David Boies is in a phone booth trying to change into his “Super Lawyer” suit, hopelessly entangled in the cape and tights, and will miss his flight to Ukraine.

Does anybody keep New Years resolutions?

I’ve never met anybody who has actually kept a New Years resolution.

Oh sure, some people can keep a resolution for even up to a few days. Quitting smoking, stop drinking, better diet, make some more money, stop calling the neighbors kid fat, stop yelling at the video clerk because they’re out of the last copy of “Goodwill Humping”, “Buffy The Vampire Layer”, or “Lawrence of a Labia” even when you phoned ahead and reserved the damn thing two days ago.

For the most part our New Years resolutions last about as long as a Twinkie in Michael Moore’s stomach acid.

It takes a light amount of insanity to make New Years resolutions, because you know it’ll fail, but you do it anyway. When I say “insane,” I’m not talking about the serious, foaming at the mouth derelicts you see whackin’ off in bus stops across the nation. They obviously made no New Years resolutions at all, and good for them! No, I’m talking about a “light insanity,” the sort of gentle craziness that makes Leif Garrett think he can still get Nicolette Sheridan back. These are the people who make resolutions.

That much said, my New Years resolution for 2005 is to once again make no resolutions. I know I can keep that one!

Merry Christmas, and many safe (gift) returns!

Well, the kids have torn through their presents like famished lions who picked off the slowest gazelles in the herd. Now, briefly, the dust settles, until tomorrow and the following days, when poor trapped souls will have to be rescued, “evacuation of Dunkirk” style, from Wal-Mart and Target gift return lines nationwide.

Spend your day with family, and if you’re into politics, make sure not to miss some of the holiday specials on TV today. It’s a “must see”… it’s “A Red State Christmas!”

Also, enjoy a Christmas poem by one of my favorites, Paul Gilmartin:

A Christmas Poem
by Paul Gilmartin

Eggnog, tinsel, falling snow
Buttered rum and mistletoe
Christmas trees and hanging lights
The sound of carolers fills the night

Shopping hours long and hard
Visa phones and cancels card
Unpaid bills and mounting debts
Family gathers; depressions sets

Drinking starts, harsh words are said
Dysfunction rears its yuletide head
Argument turns to shovin’
Drunken brother punches cousin

Tree tips over, popping lights
Curtains catch, house ignites
No one hears the reindeer cries
Wedged in chimney, Santa dies

Though he kicked and did perspire
His chestnuts roasted on an open fire.

Thar's money in them thar clones!

A Texas woman had a clone made of her cat who died last year, and paid $50,000 for it. Forget science, if there’s this much money it it, the next step is going to soon be cloning people.

Human clones are definitely on the way, but the justification for the creation of clones is where the argument runs into problems. Some scientists say we could be saving our own lives by creating embryos of ourselves with perfectly matched cells to be implanted in our bodies, with the healthy cells overriding our diseased cells. Detractors say that creating embryos to save our own asses is nothing but cannibalism. The pro-cloners say that the embryo isn’t a person at all. The anti-cloners say it is. Clonemayto, clonematto.

Perhaps the most hideous of cloning scenarios is the possibility of cloning ourselves so that someday we could be our own organ donors. If you have a clone who knows he’s around for that purpose, chances are he’s sleeping with the lights on and a tire iron under the pillow.

Something people often assume is that their clone would be exactly like them. This wouldn’t necessarily be the case. Genetic predisposition is no match for environment. If you cloned, say, Ted Kennedy, chances are he would have the same features, but despite all the genetic similarities, life doesn’t live in a vacuum. Environment can trump genetic preprogramming. Just because Ted’s clone would be genetically a perfect match, that still doesn’t mean that the clone couldn’t turn out to be thin, Republican, and be able to drive safely across a bridge.

The next time somebody says, “Imagine how far we could advance the world if we could clone Einstein or Copernicus,” remember that cloned copies of these geniuses, due to upbringing and environment, could turn out vastly different. Don’t be shocked if Einstein’s clone is intellectually and physically lazy, getting up off the couch only for “gettink zee beer and zee Prinkles,” and Copernicus’ clone only uses his mathematical ability to figure out how many Nextel Cup Series points Sterling Marlin has.

I wonder how many people are going to be scammed in this cat cloning craze. Give a guy $50,000, and he puts a saucer of milk on his front porch until a cat that looks sort of like the one you paid him to clone comes along. It’s gonna happen!

Thar’s money in them thar clones!

A Texas woman had a clone made of her cat who died last year, and paid $50,000 for it. Forget science, if there’s this much money it it, the next step is going to soon be cloning people.

Human clones are definitely on the way, but the justification for the creation of clones is where the argument runs into problems. Some scientists say we could be saving our own lives by creating embryos of ourselves with perfectly matched cells to be implanted in our bodies, with the healthy cells overriding our diseased cells. Detractors say that creating embryos to save our own asses is nothing but cannibalism. The pro-cloners say that the embryo isn’t a person at all. The anti-cloners say it is. Clonemayto, clonematto.

Perhaps the most hideous of cloning scenarios is the possibility of cloning ourselves so that someday we could be our own organ donors. If you have a clone who knows he’s around for that purpose, chances are he’s sleeping with the lights on and a tire iron under the pillow.

Something people often assume is that their clone would be exactly like them. This wouldn’t necessarily be the case. Genetic predisposition is no match for environment. If you cloned, say, Ted Kennedy, chances are he would have the same features, but despite all the genetic similarities, life doesn’t live in a vacuum. Environment can trump genetic preprogramming. Just because Ted’s clone would be genetically a perfect match, that still doesn’t mean that the clone couldn’t turn out to be thin, Republican, and be able to drive safely across a bridge.

The next time somebody says, “Imagine how far we could advance the world if we could clone Einstein or Copernicus,” remember that cloned copies of these geniuses, due to upbringing and environment, could turn out vastly different. Don’t be shocked if Einstein’s clone is intellectually and physically lazy, getting up off the couch only for “gettink zee beer and zee Prinkles,” and Copernicus’ clone only uses his mathematical ability to figure out how many Nextel Cup Series points Sterling Marlin has.

I wonder how many people are going to be scammed in this cat cloning craze. Give a guy $50,000, and he puts a saucer of milk on his front porch until a cat that looks sort of like the one you paid him to clone comes along. It’s gonna happen!

Inaugural protest still planned, Secret Service told "don't fire 'til you see the whites of the back of their 'Bush is a terrorist' shirts"

Protesters are still planning to “turn their backs on Bush” at the inaugural in January. One of these goobers with too much free time said “We want our audience with the President.”

Geez… they finally will get one, and they’ll be facing the other way?

If turning their backs doesn’t work, future events will probably be along the lines of “Hold your breath until Bush gives you your way”, “‘Nyeh nyeh nyeh neyhhhhh’ on Bush”, and “Fake fart noises with our hands and armpits against Bush.”

Hopefully this ends in another child like reaction– Picking up their ball and going home.

Inaugural protest still planned, Secret Service told “don’t fire ’til you see the whites of the back of their ‘Bush is a terrorist’ shirts”

Protesters are still planning to “turn their backs on Bush” at the inaugural in January. One of these goobers with too much free time said “We want our audience with the President.”

Geez… they finally will get one, and they’ll be facing the other way?

If turning their backs doesn’t work, future events will probably be along the lines of “Hold your breath until Bush gives you your way”, “‘Nyeh nyeh nyeh neyhhhhh’ on Bush”, and “Fake fart noises with our hands and armpits against Bush.”

Hopefully this ends in another child like reaction– Picking up their ball and going home.

Jenna Bush to help recruit more young people to go into teaching?

Suzanne Fields has a column over at Townhall about Jenna Bush’s desire to teach at a Washington, DC public school. Fields concludes:

If Jenna Bush reflects the ambition of her generation, leading more of our best and brightest into teaching, that will be all to the good for our fourth and eighth graders – and for the rest of us. Let’s hope.

Well, I certainly hope so too. Jenna may get many more young people to go into teaching for two reasons. 1) They look up to the President’s daughters, and 2) They may assume that they too will get much needed Secret Service protection.