Monthly Archives: January 2005

Statues you'll never see

The Mayor of Baghdad (how’d you like to attend that City Council meeting?) said that he’d like to have a statue of President Bush somewhere in his city. That’s got to chap the sizable butts of the uber-liberal sect of Democrats.

Ever wonder how long it’ll be until a nation dedicates a statue to Jacques Chirac, Kofi Annan, Ted Kennedy, some left wing Hollywood actor, or anybody else who the socialist cotillion crowd toasts as a “best friend to the world”?

Statues you’ll never see

The Mayor of Baghdad (how’d you like to attend that City Council meeting?) said that he’d like to have a statue of President Bush somewhere in his city. That’s got to chap the sizable butts of the uber-liberal sect of Democrats.

Ever wonder how long it’ll be until a nation dedicates a statue to Jacques Chirac, Kofi Annan, Ted Kennedy, some left wing Hollywood actor, or anybody else who the socialist cotillion crowd toasts as a “best friend to the world”?

Apologies to Fatty

I wrote in today’s WND column:

“First off, yes, obesity kills, which is an unpleasant fact that was first discovered by Virginia Rapp at one of Fatty Arbuckle’s parties.”


A comment posted corrects me:

“Wrong. virginia rappe died from a botched abortion she got earlier that day before she went to the party there was no evidence she was raped He was set up by a woman named Maude Delmont, known as “Madame Black.” Delmont would provide girls for parties and then have the girl claim she was raped by a prominent director or producer. Concerned about his career, the victim would submit to Delmont’s request for money to keep the story out of the press.it was also largly hearst yellow tabloid journalism that got that whole thing blown out of prepotion.Fatty arbuckle was aquitted by a jury that apoligised to him for all that he had been through.”

I’ve heard that from some readers. Shoulda looked into it deeper, but the joke just sounded so damn funny I ran with it. I went off recollection… a dangerous thing! Plus, in that day and age, the fact that an abortion was performed around the same time of a celebrity party never occurred to me since the Kennedy’s weren’t in full swing yet.

Hey, I’m still more accurate than CBS.

"Shameless plug" Monday

An appeals court overturns a lower court ruling that said two McNugget shaped kids couldn’t sue McDonalds. The kids, or at least people on their “behalf”, can now go forward with the lawsuit, which accuses McDonalds of deceptive advertising which has caused the kids to have to resort to cable suspension technology to hold up their pants. Check out “Fast Food McIdiocy” over at WorldNetDaily.

Recap of the past few days:

Wednesday’s Detroit News column on how Johnny Carson retired gracefully, but other entertainers just can’t seem to do the same thing. Yep, Johnny set the gold standard for celebrity retirees.

The Caffimage column ran last Tuesday. It’s a little instruction manual for your parents with kids who try to sneak away for some alone time… with potentially embarrassing consequences. It’s “A mom and dad’s guide to uninterrupted but not necessarily dignified sex.”

Have a good week!

“Shameless plug” Monday

An appeals court overturns a lower court ruling that said two McNugget shaped kids couldn’t sue McDonalds. The kids, or at least people on their “behalf”, can now go forward with the lawsuit, which accuses McDonalds of deceptive advertising which has caused the kids to have to resort to cable suspension technology to hold up their pants. Check out “Fast Food McIdiocy” over at WorldNetDaily.

Recap of the past few days:

Wednesday’s Detroit News column on how Johnny Carson retired gracefully, but other entertainers just can’t seem to do the same thing. Yep, Johnny set the gold standard for celebrity retirees.

The Caffimage column ran last Tuesday. It’s a little instruction manual for your parents with kids who try to sneak away for some alone time… with potentially embarrassing consequences. It’s “A mom and dad’s guide to uninterrupted but not necessarily dignified sex.”

Have a good week!

Iraq elections make our complaints seem petty

With two hours to go until the polls close in Iraq, there have been several suicide bombs detonated and at least two dozen people dead in various areas. Despite that, people continue to line up in that country’s first free election.

One good thing about this election is that the danger in Iraq has made the presence of exit pollsters virtually zero. Two hours into this, the networks weren’t able to prematurely say, “At this point, based on exit polling data, CBS News is comfortable in calling the Sunni Triangle for Ibrahim Al-Ja’fari.”

The people gladly lining up to vote even with the threat of death looming should make us feel a tad petty for whining about standing in line for 90 minutes.

Post election predictions?

The voting will be considered a success by everybody but Ted Kennedy and CNN. Jesse Jackson will fly halfway to Baghdad to protest on behalf of disenfranchised Iraqi voters, then say to himself, “What the hell am I doin’?” And have the plane turned around so he can come back and complain about it from Chicago. Finally, there will be around a dozen unexplained votes for Pat Buchanan.

An appropriate replacement for the "Hollywood" sign

A group called “CitizensUnited.org” has purchased a couple of billboards that will be placed around Hollywood in February. The boards feature the likenesses of well known Hollywood (and Flint, Michigan) left wing types.

The billboards display a list of Hollywoodites that could double as the world’s most incompetent law firm: Sheen, Moore, Chase, Penn, Streisand, Affleck & Goldberg.

Oh yes, also included is Chevy Chase, a man whose mouth now does all the pratfalls instead of his body. Chase’s last few movies were so annoying and made so little money that many cities now consider them to be the legal celluloid equivalent of panhandling.

Tinseltown liberals think that Republicans are mean, and hopefully these polite signs will help heal those old wounds.

An appropriate replacement for the “Hollywood” sign

A group called “CitizensUnited.org” has purchased a couple of billboards that will be placed around Hollywood in February. The boards feature the likenesses of well known Hollywood (and Flint, Michigan) left wing types.

The billboards display a list of Hollywoodites that could double as the world’s most incompetent law firm: Sheen, Moore, Chase, Penn, Streisand, Affleck & Goldberg.

Oh yes, also included is Chevy Chase, a man whose mouth now does all the pratfalls instead of his body. Chase’s last few movies were so annoying and made so little money that many cities now consider them to be the legal celluloid equivalent of panhandling.

Tinseltown liberals think that Republicans are mean, and hopefully these polite signs will help heal those old wounds.

Supersized idiocy

By now, you’re well aware that there have been several attempts by overweight people to blame their health problems on McDonalds and other fast food restaurants, and that they have sought legal remedy in the courts.

Many have argued that these places served them food that has made their belt sizes increase to a degree that now the only things that are buckling are the floor boards. Personal responsibility takes yet another holiday, and now, thanks to the 2nd US Court of Appeals ruling, it’s retired to Barbados for good.

A lawsuit was brought against McDonalds on behalf of two children, whose attorneys blamed the kids’ health problems on misleading McDonalds marketing. A lower court judge threw the case out, but later,the 2nd Circuit overturned that ruling. The ruling should have been overturned only far enough to allow the kids to sue their parents.

Where were their parents? I’m guessing right behind them in line,
preparing to order a #5 with extra mayo.

Git mo at Gitmo

Female interrogators at Guantanamo Bay, Cuba have apparently been trying to break suspected terrorist detainees using certain tactics, some of which sound as if they require the use of a pole while a DJ plays Joe Cocker’s “You can leave your hat on”.

Strippers… I mean… interrogators, have reportedly been subjecting detainees to sexual humiliation, sexual touching, and wearing thong underwear and mini skirts, and tying them to chairs and lap dancing on them.

This is an outrage, and I plan to disguise myself in fake beard and turban, out myself as a member of the insurgency, and have myself arrested and sent to Gitmo to investigate. If this should be my last post for a few weeks, it’s only because I’m a very thorough investigative journalist.