Filed Under Doug Powers | Leave a Comment
A recent poll among Democrats shows that Senator Hillary Clinton is the early favorite as that party’s nominee for president in 2008.
Will you vote for Hillary? Since the person you vote for tends to be the one you feel you have the most in common with, take this quiz and see how much, if anything, you have in common with Hillary Clinton:
1) You’re a Yale-educated woman, lawyer and first lady of the United States. Your husband is a notorious philanderer, and a story comes out in the media that he’s been cheating on you with a young intern. You say you didn’t believe the story until he told you it was true. Are you:
B) Incredibly stupid?
C) Practicing blind loyalty by believing whatever he tells you, which is why you think those 15 copies of “Leaves of Grass” that the Fed Ex guy brings every month are really for you?
2) You get an $8 million book advance, which naturally isn’t enough money to motivate you to write a book all by yourself. How many ghostwriters must you hire?
A) Two or three.
B) So many that you’ll need an exorcism to get them all out of your office.
C) Just Jayson Blair.
3) You’ve got a big pudding sack of a brother who’s a lawyer, and the fact that he’s obtained $400,000 in legal fees for his work on pardons while your husband is president becomes public. Do you make him give the money back, and if so, why?
A) Yes, but only after getting caught.
B) Yes. I’m shocked that a family member would do anything crooked, even though he needed the money, and was going to buy Roger a new chrome hitch for his house.
C) No, because he already blew the money on 201,000 bags of pork rinds.
4) You discover your husband’s been treating the uvula of an intern like a pinata on Cinco de Mayo. After you learn about this, you describe how you felt by saying, “I could hardly breathe” and “gulping for air.” You are:
A) Enraged he had been so careless as to allow it to become public.
B) Shocked that he cheated on you.
C) Empathizing with what the young intern went through.
5) You find out that the deputy White House counsel, who is also a close friend from Arkansas and had access to all of your records and knowledge of all your dealings, has died. What’s the first thing you do?
A) Stand up so fast you hit your head on the bottom of one of his file cabinet drawers.
B) Immediately call friends and family to tell them the bad news.
C) Run in to his office and pray that his computer password is still “IWork4Crooks.”
6) Your book and J.K. Rowling’s latest book are on sale, but a buyer can only afford one of them. What do you say when that buyer approaches you and asks you to differentiate the two?
A) “Secret Service!”
B) “Mine is an important and frank discussion about issues of historical importance.”
C) “One is a fictional book about a wizard who’s surrounded by warlocks and monsters, and the other one is the next in the ‘Harry Potter’ series.”
7) You want your daughter to witness a strong, loving marriage, so you:
A) Don’t get a divorce, hoping she and the rest of the country thinks it’s because you’re committed to family, and then use the “put-upon-but-loyal wife” label for political gain.
B) Go to marriage counseling to work things out.
C) Find somebody with a strong, loving marriage and see if she can move in with them.
8) You’re a cold, calculating, manipulative senator and former first lady determined to let nothing get in the way of your ambition. What should the title of your book be?
A) “How a steely, lifeless, devoid of conscience stare can be just as good as a gun.”
B) “A list of minorities I’m pretending to like so I can get elected president.”
C) “Surrounded by History: The original Declaration, a bust of Jefferson, priceless White House china and flatware … and all in my Chappaqua living room.”
9) Barbara Walters asks you which tree you and your husband have most closely associated themselves with in the past. You answer:
B) Blue Pine.
10) You’re delivering a speech, and suddently faint. This is most likely due to:
A) Bad case of the flu.
B) Low blood sugar.
C) Discovering that there’s a hooker reaching out from under the podium trying to unzip your pants because she heard Clinton would be speaking there, and assumed it was the former President.
11)Your least favorite attraction at the Bill Clinton Presidential Library is:
A) The “Rodham Cowboy!” – Riders mount a mechanical bull bearing the likeness of the Senator and former First Lady, insert $5 into the receptacle, whisper “I got caught with another intern” into the microphone, and see how long they can hold on.
B) The “Clinton Library Apprentice”. Players compete to see who can find out which of the library’s employees used to work in the White House Travel Office, and be the first to tell them, “you’re fired.”
C) All of the above.
12) This quiz should end with:
A) Questions about Travelgate and Whitewater.
B) A call to a ghostwriter to ask him what answer “C” should be.
C) A tax audit of the author.
The correct answers were all “A.” If you got 8 to 10 questions correct, pack your bags for Wellesley! Two to 7 questions correct, you’re at “work on it” status. To get yourself to a higher rating on the “Hill-o-meter,” mix one part Betty Friedan with two parts Chomsky, sprinkle on some NPR, drink twice a day and take the quiz again in a month. If you didn’t get any correct, congratulations, you’ll not be voting for Hillary in 2008.