Just yesterday I finished doing my taxes, and found out that I’ll be getting back a bit of money from the federal government. While this would thrill many people, I began to feel guilt and outrage for giving a group of thugs, cheats, liars and pork-barrel swine who gleefully wallow in a sty of everybody else’s money an interest-free loan.

Filling out tax forms is at the same time long, sad, pitiful and yet hilarious. Right there near the top of the tax form, the government begins to warm you up to the fact that you’re about to spend a good portion of the day grappling with illogic, as you come to the section on the form that asks if you would like to donate three dollars to the presidential election campaign fund.

The Kerry and Bush campaigns and their allies in 2004 spent over $600 million, and politicians routinely have $25,000-a-plate dinners. Many corporations hand out money by the fistful to politicians – so much so that, when the candidate leaves, it looks as if he’s smuggling out a dinner salad in his pants pockets. Meanwhile, we’ve spent the year working like dogs to feed and clothe our kids while trying to handle confiscatory tax rates. Then, one day, we sit down at the kitchen table to go over this paper-trail-of-tears called tax forms – a monster which was created by those very same politicians, and they have the nerve to ask for three bucks? Three bucks! Easter Island doesn’t even have a set of stones this big.

It’s also curious how they allow you to deduct church donations. What about all this “separation of church & state” mantra they’re always chanting… and then, there it is– the word “church” right there on the state tax form.

If insisting that something be kept separate from the state means that it will be tax deductible, I hope somebody soon begins a movement for the separation of car and state, real estate and state, yacht and state, and the separation of income and state. All of which are mentioned in the Constitution just as many times as the “separation of church and state” is, by the way.

Perhaps I should just send the check back to the government. I mean, I don’t need the money. Just think, if the government kept my refund and spent it themselves, they could use that money to invest in tobacco company stock, and then use any money they make off that investment to buy billboards and television ads telling us not to smoke. They could send the money to a farmer as an incentive not to plant something, or pay people to wave at illegals pouring across the border.

They could even use the money to buy bricks to use in the next building to be erected and named after some politician who didn’t put a penny of his own money into the construction. It’s a good thing that mindset doesn’t prevail in the private sector, or else all financial institutions would be called “John Dillinger Bank and Trust.”

So here I sit… buried in forms that sound more like police dispatch codes than tax documents– 1040, 4506, 1179, and 1090. If the chore of doing my taxes gets any more exhausting, I’ll have to file a form 1053, which, probably not by accident, is also the police code for “man down.”


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