A new nuclear attack submarine will soon go into operation under the intimidating name “Jimmy Carter”, the United States Navy has announced.

One has to imagine that this particular attack sub will be a little different. Instead of being armed with missiles and torpedoes, the commander of the “Jimmy Carter” will “flood tubes three and four” with leaflets on which are written offers to negotiate, and shoot them toward the enemy. If this doesn’t work, tubes one and two are flooded with the big weapon… offers to mediate with threats of U.N. intervention!

I would suspect any nuclear attack sub carrying the name of Jimmy Carter would practice the former president’s “peace through weakness” philosophy, but there are unconfirmed reports that this particular submarine carries actual missiles and torpedoes. Shh… don’t tell Jimmy until after the christening.

On a separate note, I’m off to New York City now… a place where abortions are just fine but you’re hanged for smoking. I should have another update this evening. If anybody knows of a good place for dinner in Midtown Manhattan, let me know!


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