Monthly Archives: April 2005

The usual Saturday roundup to kick off the weekend

Lots happening this weekend.

Jennifer Wilbanks, the woman who was to be married this weekend and has been missing for days, has been found alive. It turns out that Wilbanks was just doing research so she could write the script for “Runaway Bride II”.

When it was first reported that something may have happened to her while she was out jogging, it made me think about how many problems joggers have had in the past few years. Nobody can convince me anymore that jogging is healthy. How many joggers have been beaten, kidnapped, or worse? Now, how many people sitting on the couch eating Doritos and watching TV have been victims of the same thing? Wilbanks’ jogging wasn’t bad for her, in this case, but it sure wasn’t healthy for her fiance, because she ran right away from him and broke his heart. If this wedding goes forward, I’d suggest one of her vows be that she’ll give up jogging.
__________

You’ve heard dirtbag right-to-kill attorney George Felos’ version of Terri Schiavo’s dehydration and starvation… How she “never looked more beautiful”. Now read the version of a Priest who was at her bedside in her final hours. Felos really has to be one sick puppy to call that beauty, even though he knows he was lying about it, the very fact that lightning didn’t strike as he spoke those words has to make you question the existence of a benevolent God… or at least in a God that can readily deal with a complete pusbucket.
__________

Twinkies turn 75 years old today. Hmm, you couldn’t even tell by the taste. It’s amazing what preservatives can do. Twinkies are great… it’s one of those snack foods that you could bury in the ground, and in 1,500 years when a team of archaeologists dug it up, they’d say, “Hey look, a Twinkie!”
__________

Bid on the Popemobile! A 1999 Volkswagon Golf is for sale on eBay. The car was once owned by the now Pope Benedict XVI. “It drives like heaven”, according to the seller. Presumably Cardinal Ratzinger unloaded the car because he knew he was going to be Pope someday soon, and needed a vehicle with more “big hat room”.
__________

NASA scientists are fascinated because the Mars Rover has discovered quicksand on the Red Planet. How can they be sure? Because the Mars Rover sunk in quicksand. Duh!

Whew! Kofi Annan clears self, former Chief of Staff of wrongdoing

After reviewing the latest Volcker Report on the UN’s Oil-for-food scam, UN Secretary-General Kofi Annan has cleared his former Chief of Staff of any wrongdoing for shredding documents related to the scam. Well, I guess that settles it then.

After reading the headline “Annan clears former Chief of Staff of wrongdoing”, I fully expected it to be followed by, “In a related story, Willie Sutton’s investigation concludes bank has ‘no money missing’.”

If you’re not very familiar with the United Nations’ “Oil-for-Food” program, it was a scam… I mean, program, that began in 1996, and permitted Saddam Hussein to sell oil, provided that the revenue went for food, medicine and other necessities. It was a deal between the world’s largest bureaucracy and one of the planet’s most crooked and ruthless dictators. What could possibly go wrong?

So now we find out, with a shock value equal to the one that hit us this morning when the sun rose in the east, that Hussein was skimming money off the top, and bottom for that matter. Skimming? More like building a dam. The General Accounting Office estimates that Hussein’s regime netted over $10 billion.

The psychotic-yet-most-entrepreneurial mustachioed one who had a destiny with a spider hole was, with a lot of help, inflating prices on humanitarian imports, which allowed him to sell that much more oil and keep the extra for himself and whoever else was involved. High markups, high profits and skimming – Iraq had become a 172,000 square mile jewelry store run by Jimmy Hoffa.

Annan of course knew nothing of this, and apparently neither did his former Chief of Staff, who just happened to shred some of those documents. How do we know of their innocence? Annan said so. Whew… I’m glad that’s over!

No Delay in the criticism

What are they saying Tom Delay did now? We must be tired of the other accusations, because one of today’s big stories is a picture from 2003 circulating showing Delay sucking up to a Cuban, and not the way Jimmy Carter does it. The Cuban Delay’s working on is a cigar.

This is supposedly a big deal because of Delay’s staunch anti-Castro stance. Ol’ Tom should have stuck that thing up the hoo-ha of an intern, then maybe the media would have left him alone, claiming “his private life is none of our business.”

"Dear diary, the Berlin Wall fell today"

Publisher HarperCollins has announced they have reached a deal with the Ronald Reagan Presidential Library Foundation to publish the diaries of the nation’s 40th president, which will be released in 2006.

It will be a breath of fresh air to read about the Reagan presidency first hand, unfiltered by semi-disconnected authors or agenda driven television writers and producers, where facts are often confused to the point that they’re lucky to even get the hair and the names right.

For me, the diaries should offer fascinating insight into the first person I ever pulled a lever for in a presidential election. I first voted for Reagan in 1984 (a small part of the reason I did is that I didn’t want to be known for the rest of my life as, “One of the three guys who voted for Mondale”). Reagan got my vote because he came across, at least to me as an 18-year-old, as the father figure to a nation that had spent the better part of a decade as orphans, abandoned by Vietnam, Watergate, malaise, the ‘misery index’ and disco.

During the 80’s, Ronald Reagan was even successful at convincing those who had never voted for a Republican in their lives to give him a chance. These were the so-called “Reagan Democrats”, who were coming off Jimmy Carter’s presidency still reeling from an economy that was misfiring like the original spark plugs on a ’61 Ford Galaxie. Reagan Democrats were Americans who had lost their jobs in droves, perhaps had their Trans-Ams repossessed, suffered from “general malaise”, and had wives who spent a good deal of what little money there was to get a hairstyle like Dorothy Hamill. They, understandably, lost their will to support Carter, and voted for Ronald Reagan – in two successive elections.

The “Reagan Democrat” voting bloc evolved, some of them into yuppies, then maybe angry white males, soccer moms, technician dads, office dads, waitress moms, and NASCAR dads, but they never evolved out of an interest in Reagan and his presidency.

The Reagan diaries will be a big seller.

“Dear diary, the Berlin Wall fell today”

Publisher HarperCollins has announced they have reached a deal with the Ronald Reagan Presidential Library Foundation to publish the diaries of the nation’s 40th president, which will be released in 2006.

It will be a breath of fresh air to read about the Reagan presidency first hand, unfiltered by semi-disconnected authors or agenda driven television writers and producers, where facts are often confused to the point that they’re lucky to even get the hair and the names right.

For me, the diaries should offer fascinating insight into the first person I ever pulled a lever for in a presidential election. I first voted for Reagan in 1984 (a small part of the reason I did is that I didn’t want to be known for the rest of my life as, “One of the three guys who voted for Mondale”). Reagan got my vote because he came across, at least to me as an 18-year-old, as the father figure to a nation that had spent the better part of a decade as orphans, abandoned by Vietnam, Watergate, malaise, the ‘misery index’ and disco.

During the 80’s, Ronald Reagan was even successful at convincing those who had never voted for a Republican in their lives to give him a chance. These were the so-called “Reagan Democrats”, who were coming off Jimmy Carter’s presidency still reeling from an economy that was misfiring like the original spark plugs on a ’61 Ford Galaxie. Reagan Democrats were Americans who had lost their jobs in droves, perhaps had their Trans-Ams repossessed, suffered from “general malaise”, and had wives who spent a good deal of what little money there was to get a hairstyle like Dorothy Hamill. They, understandably, lost their will to support Carter, and voted for Ronald Reagan – in two successive elections.

The “Reagan Democrat” voting bloc evolved, some of them into yuppies, then maybe angry white males, soccer moms, technician dads, office dads, waitress moms, and NASCAR dads, but they never evolved out of an interest in Reagan and his presidency.

The Reagan diaries will be a big seller.

Gunshot on Air America during Bush story just a misunderstanding?

According to Drudge, the radio network Air America is being investigated by the Secret Service after airing the sound of a gunshot during a story on the Randi Rhodes Show about how to stop Bush’s plan for Social Security.

Upon further investigation, chances are the Secret Service will discover that the incident had nothing to do with the president. My guess is that the gunshot was the sound of an Air America investor in the next room turning the gun on himself after getting the new ratings book.

A few minutes bashing Andy Rooney

Andy Rooney’s commentaries routinely raise a ton of eyebrows… but they’re usually only the ones on Andy himself.

My pal over at WorldNetDaily, Hollywood writer Burt Prelutsky, spends a few minutes bashing Andy Rooney. I always read Burt’s column. Anybody who wrote some episodes of M*A*S*H has my respect as a humor writer… especially one who still somehow managed to end up as a conservative.

Andy Rooney’s always fascinated me, especially when I was a kid in the 70’s. I remember watching his short segment each week, amazed that he was making so much more money doing that than I was raking leaves. Nowadays, I’m still fascinated that Rooney makes more money doing that than I do raking leaves.

Someday, and I mean soon, I fully expect Rooney to completely lose it. You can only talk about velcro and mailbox flags for so long before going on a freak-out. I’m predicting that Rooney’s final “A few minutes with…” segment will be something along these lines:
_____

“People seem to like to masturbate a lot. I do. I’m doing it right now. Why is that? Well, in this case, it’s because the woman operating the boom mic, Chloe, has a killer rack. I’d really like to touch them, but I probably won’t.”

“I’m an Atheist because I always hear that God made man in his own image. What a load of s*#t. Don’t get mad at me, just put yourself in my shoes. If you were looking in my bathroom mirror, would you really f$*#@#*g believe that God looks like this?”

“If God did make me in his own image, I feel bad for him, because his ass must itch an awful lot.”

“I schtupped Ed Bradley’s wife last night. Don’t tell anybody.”

“You know that stopwatch they always show between segments? The one that’s always going ‘tick tick tick tick’? I hear that in my head constantly–and I mean all the time. I killed a hitchhiker once because of that sound. It still didn’t make it go away. Tick tick tick tick…”

“Don’t you ever wish you could mate with another species of animal and have offspring? I bet some of the babies would be really interesting looking. I’d like to do it with a gazelle, but they can run about 70 miles per hour. Talk about playing hard to get. The last time I was on the Serengeti, I had trouble catching one on foot, so I got in my car and chased it down. It was scared at first. They sure do kick a lot. Why is that?”

“I’m going to start using more street lingo. Why? Because I’ve always wanted to bust caps on da man, and wonder aloud where all my ho’s are at. As a matter of fact, I’m changing the title of my segment to ‘A Few Minizels Wit Andy Razooney’… take that, CBS bee-otches!”

“Right now I’m sporting a trouser tent that an entire pack of Boy Scouts could camp under, including their fruity troop leader.”

“Does your old lady ever just lay there motionless while you’re putting the lumber to her? Does she keep her hands over her ears, yelling ‘la la la la…find you’re happy place’? Does she call out Mike Wallace’s name in the heat of passion? Mine does. Why is that?”
_____

Don’t laugh… it’s coming, and soon.

Teddy goes off the deep end… again…

Hey, it’s the one-year anniversary of the Abu Ghraib, and ol’ spiral-sliced ham-head Ted Kennedy took the opportunity to offer a few words. Okay, a few thousand. Geez… Fidel’s Castro’s speeches are shorter, contain less cholesterol, and are better enunciated for that matter.

Kennedy is now in his seventh term in the Senate, making him the second-longest-serving active senator – the longest-serving, if you happen to catch the Senate on a day when Robert Byrd has gone away to dedicate another building to himself or to have one of his old Kleagle hats blocked.

When listening to Ted Kennedy anymore, we may be reminded of a composite of every bottle dwelling bar babbler we’ve ever been stuck sitting next to at one o’clock in the morning. When that happens, you keep an eye on your wife, a hand on your wallet, and take what they say with a grain of margarita salt.

In Kennedy’s statement concerning Abu Ghraib, Ted began, “The images of cruelty, and perversion are still difficult to look at a year later.” How a man who let a woman drown can say things like this about anybody else is amazing.

Ted’s shameless. Look back at his endorsement of John Kerry. Kennedy wasn’t even shy about touting the fact that Kerry once saved somebody from drowning – this statement caused more uneasiness and suppressed giggles in the room than the time Marilyn Monroe crawled out from under the podium after a JFK press conference.

Statements like this are the most telling symptom of Kennedy’s ivory tower induced moral myopia. Ted Kennedy, without batting an eye, can proudly laud a colleague for saving someone from drowning? This takes some serious nerve – right up there with Lizzy Borden praising the skillful hatchet work of Paul Bunyan.

Joe Kennedy had a daughter lobotomized, and, judging from the incongruous comments uttered by his son, he apparently forced Ted to undergo several compunction bypass procedures.

Ted’s even got a dog that he named “Splash.” I often wonder if he ever lets Splash get together with Joe Hazelwood’s dog – “Slick” – for a nice game of Frisbee at “Irony Park.”

Hillary gets Dick'd again

Pardon the subject line, and I hope a tiny bit of vomit didn’t sneak out your nose when you read it, but Dick Morris has a good column today about the mess that Hillary Clinton is in because of her campaign aide David Rosen’s fundraising techniques.

What did Hillary know? Probably everything, but in typical Clinton fashion, everybody else is taking the fall. It would appear, however, that the Clintons are running out of people to absorb all the heat. The Clintons have had so many ‘fall guys’ that they’re a favorite destination for base jumpers. Morris explains why, this time, Rosen may not want to bite the bullet for Hillary.

Rosen was tape recorded by Ray Reggie, who coincidentally is the brother of Ted Kennedy’s current wife. Oh yes, Reggie is also an FBI informant (FBI codename: “Pantload-in-law”).

Hillary gets Dick’d again

Pardon the subject line, and I hope a tiny bit of vomit didn’t sneak out your nose when you read it, but Dick Morris has a good column today about the mess that Hillary Clinton is in because of her campaign aide David Rosen’s fundraising techniques.

What did Hillary know? Probably everything, but in typical Clinton fashion, everybody else is taking the fall. It would appear, however, that the Clintons are running out of people to absorb all the heat. The Clintons have had so many ‘fall guys’ that they’re a favorite destination for base jumpers. Morris explains why, this time, Rosen may not want to bite the bullet for Hillary.

Rosen was tape recorded by Ray Reggie, who coincidentally is the brother of Ted Kennedy’s current wife. Oh yes, Reggie is also an FBI informant (FBI codename: “Pantload-in-law”).