The long-talked-about television networked fronted by former VP Al Gore will be on the air as of August. The network will be called “Current”, but it’s known by it’s more popular name of “Gore TV”.

I have managed to get a hold of the daily schedule for the fledgling network. In keeping a step ahead of the TV Guide, here it is:

GoreTV program schedule:

5 a.m.: “Wake up with Carville” – James Carville, the political pitbull and man who has allowed America to assign a face to its jock-itch, gets his own show. At long last, thanks to GoreTV, you can finally wake up with a guy like James Carville without a searing hangover and dramatically lower self-esteem.

6 a.m.: “OK, Rush Limbaugh Isn’t That Fat Anymore, But He’s Still An Idiot” – Al Franken hosts his very first talk show. Today’s guests include author Norman Mailer, whose hearing-aid battery is so bad that he responds to every question by looking at his watch and saying “about a quarter to seven”.

7 a.m.: “Good Morning, Anti-America” – Michael Moore and Sean Penn host. On today’s show, Sean takes you on a photo tour of his trip to Iraq, along with tales of injuries he suffered after being run over by fleeing “human shields”, and Moore’s exclusive expose at a local medical clinic entitled, “How many people will ask me if I’m here to sell my plasma?” In the second hour, building expert Bob Vila joins Penn to help him construct a complete sentence.

9 a.m.: “Fishing with Ted” – Today, Sen. Kennedy discusses which spinner works best to hook an Oldsmobile, and special guest, Sen. Chris Dodd, helps Ted snag a waitress with a 40-pound test pickup line and three bottles of Chivas.

10 a.m.: “We Had To Give Phil Donohue A Two-Hour Show Or He Wouldn’t Invest” – Today, Phil takes calls from the show’s viewer.

Noon: “Fries ‘n Lies” – Michael Moore and columnist Molly Ivins discuss issues of the day over a vat of chili-cheese fries. On today’s show, nothing is compromised (except perhaps the architectural integrity of the stage) as Ivins accuses President Bush of lying about WMD’s in Iraq and complains about people who are always mistakenly trying to hire her to get poltergeists out of their homes, while the outspoken Moore takes a stand against the undersalted fries.

12:30 p.m.: “Dope Operas” – Spend an afternoon with GoreTV’s political dramas, including “One Life to Tax”, “The Borked and the Beautiful”, and demagoguery rules the day on “The Guiding Fright”.

4 p.m.: “Gore TV After School Special – ‘The Secret In Barney Frank’s Apartment.’”

6 p.m.: Half-hour of continuous out-of-context tape loop of Newt Gingrich saying “Wither on the vine.”

6:30 p.m.: – Simulcast of the CBS Evening News.

7 p.m.: “What a Dick!” – Rep. Richard Gephardt stars. In today’s episode, Dick scares the elderly with tales of starvation via Republican initiated Medicare cuts in favor of tax breaks for the wealthy. Watch, and you too will join the rest of the country in saying, “What a Dick!”

8 p.m.: “Who Wants To Be An Ex-Millionaire?” In-depth profiles of investors in GoreTV. In tonight’s episode, chief fundraiser for GoreTV, Joel Hyatt, discovers investors’ portfolios have sunk so far that he’s forced to use his last thousand dollars to rent a bathysphere to go down and find them.

9 p.m.: “Trading Spaces … and Wives” – Former President Bill Clinton revisits Arkansas to host this show with a very interesting twist on the original series from the Learning Channel.

10 p.m.: “C.S.I.: DNC” – Tonight, a forensics team struggles to uncover the mystery behind what killed the Democrat Party.

11 p.m.: “I am too President!” – Al Gore helps satisfy America’s hunger for reality television, allowing cameras to follow him around his house. Tonight’s episode: Still in denial, Al has a “cabinet meeting” with two potted plants and a bottle of Old Spice, then holds a State Dinner for an Irish setter.

11:35 p.m.: “GoreTV Late Movie: The ThornByrds, Part I” – The story begins in the early 1930s, when a member of the Ku Klux Klan and future United States senator falls in love with an African-American woman, engulfing him in an emotional personal struggle as he’s faced with choosing between his forbidden fruit, and his cross-burning gool-ol’-boy pals. Will he choose head sheets, or bed sheets? Find out tonight.

2 a.m.: “Robbins & Sarandon Overnight” – Join Tim and Susan as their synapses misfire like the original spark plugs on a ’71 Buick Skylark. When these two put their heads together, it creates a vacuum that makes even the most powerful Hoover green with suck-envy.

4:30 a.m.: Test pattern. Join GoreTV’s highest-rated program, soon to be expanded to all time periods.


Leave a Reply

You must be logged in to post a comment.