This woman could get ‘the finger’ in more ways than one

A woman who claims to have bitten into a finger in a bowl of Wendy’s chili has sued people on prior occasions… and before that… and before that.

Anna Ayala has been involved in a bunch of legal wranglings in the San Francisco bay area. She once tried to sue an auto dealership because she claimed a wheel fell off her car.

The wheels appear to be coming off in this case, as well. Police have searched Ayala’s house, and Wendy’s has offered $50,000 to anybody who can prove where the finger came from. I predict that this woman now cuts her own finger off, and hopes that the chili finger is a close fit just so she can get the fifty grand. She’ll then save her own finger to “find” in a Big Mac at a later date.

These overly litigious types need to be made examples of. If this is indeed a fraud, and it looks as if it is, the next finger Ayala sees should be the middle one.

Remember though, this is San Francisco we’re talking about– A place where it will make more sense to make Wendy’s stop selling chili than to punish those victims of society who are simply trying to make up for having to pay for Bush’s tax cuts for the wealthy.

Please tell me this is a joke

A Colombian artist is coming out with the first installment in a series of comic books which have as the main character Pope John Paul II as a super hero.

The Incredible Popeman” will meet with other super heroes, such as Spiderman and Batman, to learn to use super powers to battle Satan.

I wonder how true to life this will be? We’ll know it’s right on the mark if, in the first book, “The Incredible Popeman” seeks the help of “SuperBush” to defeat arch-enemediator Jimmy Carter’s (AKA the “Super Stagflator” and “Malaise Man”) attempt to storm the Vatican, uninvited, during a Catholic funeral.

A little light reading to relieve Thursday stress

This is the time of year when, at least in my house, all the birthdays start to happen, and it lasts through the summer.

Recently I was thinking about birthdays, why we celebrate them, and when exactly that started. After a little research, I discovered that the earliest proposal for what is a modern day “birthday party” was made way back in the 1600’s. Here’s how it happened.

Jimmah can't get a break at home, so he can't go abroad

Former President Jimmy Carter wanted to lead the U.S. delegation to the Pope’s funeral if President Bush wasn’t going to attend.

Bush is going, and now Carter’s out altogether. Clinton and Bush-41 are going though. Why not Carter?

Many have pointed to Jimmy Carter’s bad-mouthing of Bush policies around the world. Ya think so?

It all started with Carter’s visit to Cuba a few years ago, which is on President Bush’s so called “Axis of Evil” list along with Iran, Iraq, North Korea, Libya, Syria, and Celine Dion. Carter buddied up with Castro (after managing to wedge himself between Fidel and Danny Glover), spoke to the Cuban people on state television, and basically called the Bush Administration’s accusation that Cuba harbors biological weapon plants ridiculous.

Addressing Cubans on television, Carter was well aware that he was speaking to people who felt beaten down, depressed, and carried a constant feeling of hopelessness. Fortunately Carter’s presidential State of the Union speeches in the late 70’s gave him plenty of experience in speaking to this particular demographic.

Jimmah then left Cuba, and Castro took off the suit, put back on his usual lumpy khaki burlap potato sack and Gomer Pyle hat, then beat senseless the fifteen Cubans who were caught inside Carter’s mouth after they donned white outfits and tried to smuggle themselves back to the United States disguised as teeth.

Carter then came home and tried to talk about Cuba while constantly being interrupted by hammer on nail sounds while Roselyn yelled into the cell phone, pleading with Amy to start using makeup.

Other former president’s are traveling the world making speeches at a hundred grand a pop and going to the Pope’s funeral. Carter’s still trying to fight off being synonymous with “stagflation”, the embarrassment that was Billy, and is now using his Nobel Prize as a hammer to pound nails to build houses for the needy– A job he’s a lot better at than as a former president and global activist.

Jimmy Carter is sort of the Rodney Dangerfield of former Commander-in-Chiefs. This would make him popular domestically, except for the fact that his punchlines are only understood and welcomed, for the most part, outside the U.S.

This means that Jimmy will be watching the Pope’s funeral on TV, along with the rest of us.

Jimmah can’t get a break at home, so he can’t go abroad

Former President Jimmy Carter wanted to lead the U.S. delegation to the Pope’s funeral if President Bush wasn’t going to attend.

Bush is going, and now Carter’s out altogether. Clinton and Bush-41 are going though. Why not Carter?

Many have pointed to Jimmy Carter’s bad-mouthing of Bush policies around the world. Ya think so?

It all started with Carter’s visit to Cuba a few years ago, which is on President Bush’s so called “Axis of Evil” list along with Iran, Iraq, North Korea, Libya, Syria, and Celine Dion. Carter buddied up with Castro (after managing to wedge himself between Fidel and Danny Glover), spoke to the Cuban people on state television, and basically called the Bush Administration’s accusation that Cuba harbors biological weapon plants ridiculous.

Addressing Cubans on television, Carter was well aware that he was speaking to people who felt beaten down, depressed, and carried a constant feeling of hopelessness. Fortunately Carter’s presidential State of the Union speeches in the late 70’s gave him plenty of experience in speaking to this particular demographic.

Jimmah then left Cuba, and Castro took off the suit, put back on his usual lumpy khaki burlap potato sack and Gomer Pyle hat, then beat senseless the fifteen Cubans who were caught inside Carter’s mouth after they donned white outfits and tried to smuggle themselves back to the United States disguised as teeth.

Carter then came home and tried to talk about Cuba while constantly being interrupted by hammer on nail sounds while Roselyn yelled into the cell phone, pleading with Amy to start using makeup.

Other former president’s are traveling the world making speeches at a hundred grand a pop and going to the Pope’s funeral. Carter’s still trying to fight off being synonymous with “stagflation”, the embarrassment that was Billy, and is now using his Nobel Prize as a hammer to pound nails to build houses for the needy– A job he’s a lot better at than as a former president and global activist.

Jimmy Carter is sort of the Rodney Dangerfield of former Commander-in-Chiefs. This would make him popular domestically, except for the fact that his punchlines are only understood and welcomed, for the most part, outside the U.S.

This means that Jimmy will be watching the Pope’s funeral on TV, along with the rest of us.

Transportation safety or PC ineffectiveness?

Walter Williams has a good column today about some of the senselessness of how screening is conducted at airports.

Almost a year ago, I wrote a column telling of a personal experience at an airport. It closed with this paragraph, and I think it pretty well sums up how I feel about airport security:

“Airport security is federalized, so, in other words, the government is in charge of your in-flight safety. The long-and-short of the current system is this: Pretend you’re in an airport and all the screeners are members of Congress. Feel safer? Me neither.”

"Gore TV" – Catch it before it's cancelled

The long-talked-about television networked fronted by former VP Al Gore will be on the air as of August. The network will be called “Current”, but it’s known by it’s more popular name of “Gore TV”.

I have managed to get a hold of the daily schedule for the fledgling network. In keeping a step ahead of the TV Guide, here it is:

GoreTV program schedule:

5 a.m.: “Wake up with Carville” – James Carville, the political pitbull and man who has allowed America to assign a face to its jock-itch, gets his own show. At long last, thanks to GoreTV, you can finally wake up with a guy like James Carville without a searing hangover and dramatically lower self-esteem.

6 a.m.: “OK, Rush Limbaugh Isn’t That Fat Anymore, But He’s Still An Idiot” – Al Franken hosts his very first talk show. Today’s guests include author Norman Mailer, whose hearing-aid battery is so bad that he responds to every question by looking at his watch and saying “about a quarter to seven”.

7 a.m.: “Good Morning, Anti-America” – Michael Moore and Sean Penn host. On today’s show, Sean takes you on a photo tour of his trip to Iraq, along with tales of injuries he suffered after being run over by fleeing “human shields”, and Moore’s exclusive expose at a local medical clinic entitled, “How many people will ask me if I’m here to sell my plasma?” In the second hour, building expert Bob Vila joins Penn to help him construct a complete sentence.

9 a.m.: “Fishing with Ted” – Today, Sen. Kennedy discusses which spinner works best to hook an Oldsmobile, and special guest, Sen. Chris Dodd, helps Ted snag a waitress with a 40-pound test pickup line and three bottles of Chivas.

10 a.m.: “We Had To Give Phil Donohue A Two-Hour Show Or He Wouldn’t Invest” – Today, Phil takes calls from the show’s viewer.

Noon: “Fries ‘n Lies” – Michael Moore and columnist Molly Ivins discuss issues of the day over a vat of chili-cheese fries. On today’s show, nothing is compromised (except perhaps the architectural integrity of the stage) as Ivins accuses President Bush of lying about WMD’s in Iraq and complains about people who are always mistakenly trying to hire her to get poltergeists out of their homes, while the outspoken Moore takes a stand against the undersalted fries.

12:30 p.m.: “Dope Operas” – Spend an afternoon with GoreTV’s political dramas, including “One Life to Tax”, “The Borked and the Beautiful”, and demagoguery rules the day on “The Guiding Fright”.

4 p.m.: “Gore TV After School Special – ‘The Secret In Barney Frank’s Apartment.'”

6 p.m.: Half-hour of continuous out-of-context tape loop of Newt Gingrich saying “Wither on the vine.”

6:30 p.m.: – Simulcast of the CBS Evening News.

7 p.m.: “What a Dick!” – Rep. Richard Gephardt stars. In today’s episode, Dick scares the elderly with tales of starvation via Republican initiated Medicare cuts in favor of tax breaks for the wealthy. Watch, and you too will join the rest of the country in saying, “What a Dick!”

8 p.m.: “Who Wants To Be An Ex-Millionaire?” In-depth profiles of investors in GoreTV. In tonight’s episode, chief fundraiser for GoreTV, Joel Hyatt, discovers investors’ portfolios have sunk so far that he’s forced to use his last thousand dollars to rent a bathysphere to go down and find them.

9 p.m.: “Trading Spaces … and Wives” – Former President Bill Clinton revisits Arkansas to host this show with a very interesting twist on the original series from the Learning Channel.

10 p.m.: “C.S.I.: DNC” – Tonight, a forensics team struggles to uncover the mystery behind what killed the Democrat Party.

11 p.m.: “I am too President!” – Al Gore helps satisfy America’s hunger for reality television, allowing cameras to follow him around his house. Tonight’s episode: Still in denial, Al has a “cabinet meeting” with two potted plants and a bottle of Old Spice, then holds a State Dinner for an Irish setter.

11:35 p.m.: “GoreTV Late Movie: The ThornByrds, Part I” – The story begins in the early 1930s, when a member of the Ku Klux Klan and future United States senator falls in love with an African-American woman, engulfing him in an emotional personal struggle as he’s faced with choosing between his forbidden fruit, and his cross-burning gool-ol’-boy pals. Will he choose head sheets, or bed sheets? Find out tonight.

2 a.m.: “Robbins & Sarandon Overnight” – Join Tim and Susan as their synapses misfire like the original spark plugs on a ’71 Buick Skylark. When these two put their heads together, it creates a vacuum that makes even the most powerful Hoover green with suck-envy.

4:30 a.m.: Test pattern. Join GoreTV’s highest-rated program, soon to be expanded to all time periods.

“Gore TV” – Catch it before it’s cancelled

The long-talked-about television networked fronted by former VP Al Gore will be on the air as of August. The network will be called “Current”, but it’s known by it’s more popular name of “Gore TV”.

I have managed to get a hold of the daily schedule for the fledgling network. In keeping a step ahead of the TV Guide, here it is:

GoreTV program schedule:

5 a.m.: “Wake up with Carville” – James Carville, the political pitbull and man who has allowed America to assign a face to its jock-itch, gets his own show. At long last, thanks to GoreTV, you can finally wake up with a guy like James Carville without a searing hangover and dramatically lower self-esteem.

6 a.m.: “OK, Rush Limbaugh Isn’t That Fat Anymore, But He’s Still An Idiot” – Al Franken hosts his very first talk show. Today’s guests include author Norman Mailer, whose hearing-aid battery is so bad that he responds to every question by looking at his watch and saying “about a quarter to seven”.

7 a.m.: “Good Morning, Anti-America” – Michael Moore and Sean Penn host. On today’s show, Sean takes you on a photo tour of his trip to Iraq, along with tales of injuries he suffered after being run over by fleeing “human shields”, and Moore’s exclusive expose at a local medical clinic entitled, “How many people will ask me if I’m here to sell my plasma?” In the second hour, building expert Bob Vila joins Penn to help him construct a complete sentence.

9 a.m.: “Fishing with Ted” – Today, Sen. Kennedy discusses which spinner works best to hook an Oldsmobile, and special guest, Sen. Chris Dodd, helps Ted snag a waitress with a 40-pound test pickup line and three bottles of Chivas.

10 a.m.: “We Had To Give Phil Donohue A Two-Hour Show Or He Wouldn’t Invest” – Today, Phil takes calls from the show’s viewer.

Noon: “Fries ‘n Lies” – Michael Moore and columnist Molly Ivins discuss issues of the day over a vat of chili-cheese fries. On today’s show, nothing is compromised (except perhaps the architectural integrity of the stage) as Ivins accuses President Bush of lying about WMD’s in Iraq and complains about people who are always mistakenly trying to hire her to get poltergeists out of their homes, while the outspoken Moore takes a stand against the undersalted fries.

12:30 p.m.: “Dope Operas” – Spend an afternoon with GoreTV’s political dramas, including “One Life to Tax”, “The Borked and the Beautiful”, and demagoguery rules the day on “The Guiding Fright”.

4 p.m.: “Gore TV After School Special – ‘The Secret In Barney Frank’s Apartment.'”

6 p.m.: Half-hour of continuous out-of-context tape loop of Newt Gingrich saying “Wither on the vine.”

6:30 p.m.: – Simulcast of the CBS Evening News.

7 p.m.: “What a Dick!” – Rep. Richard Gephardt stars. In today’s episode, Dick scares the elderly with tales of starvation via Republican initiated Medicare cuts in favor of tax breaks for the wealthy. Watch, and you too will join the rest of the country in saying, “What a Dick!”

8 p.m.: “Who Wants To Be An Ex-Millionaire?” In-depth profiles of investors in GoreTV. In tonight’s episode, chief fundraiser for GoreTV, Joel Hyatt, discovers investors’ portfolios have sunk so far that he’s forced to use his last thousand dollars to rent a bathysphere to go down and find them.

9 p.m.: “Trading Spaces … and Wives” – Former President Bill Clinton revisits Arkansas to host this show with a very interesting twist on the original series from the Learning Channel.

10 p.m.: “C.S.I.: DNC” – Tonight, a forensics team struggles to uncover the mystery behind what killed the Democrat Party.

11 p.m.: “I am too President!” – Al Gore helps satisfy America’s hunger for reality television, allowing cameras to follow him around his house. Tonight’s episode: Still in denial, Al has a “cabinet meeting” with two potted plants and a bottle of Old Spice, then holds a State Dinner for an Irish setter.

11:35 p.m.: “GoreTV Late Movie: The ThornByrds, Part I” – The story begins in the early 1930s, when a member of the Ku Klux Klan and future United States senator falls in love with an African-American woman, engulfing him in an emotional personal struggle as he’s faced with choosing between his forbidden fruit, and his cross-burning gool-ol’-boy pals. Will he choose head sheets, or bed sheets? Find out tonight.

2 a.m.: “Robbins & Sarandon Overnight” – Join Tim and Susan as their synapses misfire like the original spark plugs on a ’71 Buick Skylark. When these two put their heads together, it creates a vacuum that makes even the most powerful Hoover green with suck-envy.

4:30 a.m.: Test pattern. Join GoreTV’s highest-rated program, soon to be expanded to all time periods.

Teens failing sex ed. miserably, passing idiocy with flying colors

A new survey is a bit disturbing for those of us who are parents. Out of 580 kids surveyed (mean age of 14 1/2), 20% said they had engaged in oral sex. A good deal of them also believe that oral sex is safer than “regular” sex. That’s the bad news. The good news is that they’re already too old for Michael Jackson.

Assuming you rule out the two or three kids who considered their toboggan accident with Suzie Pendergast, where they were flung into the air and landed in very strange territory, as “oral sex”, that number is still staggeringly high.

The study also found that increasingly high numbers of kids, who grew up as children watching the world around them in the 90’s, don’t even consider oral sex to be sex.

Does that sound familiar, considering what was going on during their formative years?