Saddam Hussein’s trial is underway, and the Butcher of Baghdad refuses to recognize the authority of the court, but has nonetheless plead “not guilty” to ordering the killing of 150 Shiites in 1982.
Presiding judge at the trial, Rizgar Mohammed Amin, a Kurd, is no doubt finding all this a real gas.
They say that time heals all wounds, and seeing Hussein in court resembling a down-and-out vacuum salesman– a Sunni version of Willy Loman– it could be difficult for some to remember exactly what the man was all about. Because of this, a brief biography of Saddam Hussein is in order, so that we never forget who is on trial here. It’s time for, “Saddam Hussein, this was your life!”
You had more body doubles than Cher at a “La Cage Aux Folle” film festival in San Francisco’s Castro District. Your taste in decor was so decadent and gaudy that your choice of interior design reminds one of a hillbilly who just won the Powerball Lotto. You were a perverted butcher, and a cold-blooded killer with a snappy fedora. Saddam Hussein Ã¢â‚¬Â¦ this was your life!
News of your regime’s collapse hit some people hard. You are missed by what’s left of the “Fedayeen Saddam,” your loyalists who dress in black from head to toe while wielding guns, knives, bombs and generally unpleasant demeanors, making them loosely resemble a group of widows with a nasty case of PMS.
You were born in 1937, in the small village of al-Awja, just outside Takrit. A spirited little bugger even before birth, you were the type of baby who tried to come out breech on purpose. You reveled in the discomfort of others, and your family could see the beginnings of your sadistic behavior when you began playing “paper, rock, scissors” with real rocks and scissors.
Your political life began while attending college in Baghdad, which you entered with the generous assistance of the NAAPP (National Association for the Advancement of Psychotic People).
In 1959, you participated in an assassination attempt against Iraqi Prime Minister Abudul Karim Kassim. During the attempt, you were shot in the leg, and as a result, fled and ended up in Egypt. From then on, it was recommended by concerned friends and family that you carry your bullet in your shirt pocket.
After Kassim’s monarchy collapsed, you went back to Iraq and tried to kill the new guy, Abdel-Karim Qassem. That conspiracy didn’t work out either, and you fled again to Egypt. All of your botched attempts to assassinate political leaders are immortalized in the classic Disney film, “The Apple Dumpling Gang Plots Again.”
You returned home in 1963, while the Ba’ath party was in power, but soon they were overthrown and you found yourself in prison, where you became the celebrated inventor of “falafel on a rope.” Soon after, however, Ba’ath regained control and you were made secretary general of the party.
By 1973, you were vice president of Iraq Ã¢â‚¬â€œ only a heartbeat away from full-blown crazy. For most of the ’70s, you concentrated on filling the Iraqi government with your own kin, a collection of unhinged spiral-eyed wackos for whom the list of “things to bring” to the family reunion included, “potato salad, root beer, chips, body bags.”
In 1979, you became president of Iraq. Usually, the term “president” isn’t used in a totalitarian regime, since you were “president” of Iraq in the same way that a dog is “president” of a fire hydrant. This was closely followed by the Iran-Iraq War, an 8-year stalemate with no point and millions of casualties, sort of like a Middle Eastern version of a Grammy Awards show.
In the late ’80s, you gassed your own people, and guaranteed yourself a first-class seat on Hades Airlines.
In 1990, you decided that previous battles hadn’t killed enough of your soldiers, so you handed all of your troops gas cans and siphon hoses and sent them off to Kuwait. “Coalition Force I” was soon formed, and the Iraqis were, like the wandering “let’s get them panties off” hand of Becky-Jo Nussbaum’s date on prom night, slapped back into their own territory.
Soon the world realized that something needed to be done about you, so the United Nations passed a motion calling for immediate international debate on a pact to agree to more talks concerning a resolution on more meetings.
You wouldn’t comply to whatever it was that the U.N. decided, which they’re still deciding, so coalition forces have decided for them. Now, here you are, combing spider hole debris out of your beard, watching people bid on the severed head of your statue on eBay, and trying to reach Johnnie Cochran via Ouija Board.
Saddam Hussein, this was your life!
Stay tuned for Part II of this program, tentatively titled “Hangin’ with Mr. Hussein”.
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