McCain rider seeks to end torture by U.S. interrogators — then what?

Arizona Senator John McCain and George W. Bush aren’t always this close.

McCain, himself subjected to years of torture in Vietnam, is calling for a ban on torture of U.S. prisoners of war. McCain has vowed to, if necessary, include the ban as a rider on each and every bill sent up for the president’s signature until it passes.

The Bush administration wants an exception made for CIA interrogators, and McCain does not.

My hesitance in running with McCain’s idea is this: Someday– maybe tomorrow, maybe ten years from now– some terrorist is going to have information on a nuclear device set to detonate in an American city.

This individual is sitting in CIA custody, and, much to the surprise of interrogators, isn’t responding well to the only technique remaining for which to cull information, which is “Please!” Now what?

Here are some forms of torture that may not be covered in McCain’s rider that the CIA could end up considering:

–Strap electrodes to his eyelids and not let him sleep until he’s read Bill Clinton’s “My Life” from cover to cover. This torture is not against current government policy, because the Department of Defense has ruled that it is OK to lie to prisoners.

–Put him in the world’s most dangerous place: Between Dan Rather’s nose and Bill Clinton’s butt. Believe me, he’ll talk.

–Place him in a cold, darkened room for hours on end, listening to nothing but “Air America.” The misery would continue during commercial breaks, as the hosts would walk over and badger them for the money to pay the utility bill so the lights and heat can be turned back on in the studio.

–Force him attend a liberal Hollywood political fund-raiser and discover to their utter horror that a jihad has already been declared against George W. Bush.

–Make him aware that if the nuclear device explodes, California’s Ninth Circuit Court will prosecute him to the fullest extent of the law if it is discovered that their bomb contained asbestos.

–Make him play “Jihad Jeopardy”, where the terror suspect is shown a series of photos, and under penalty of severe electric shock for a wrong answer, he must decide if each picture was taken at Abu Ghraib, or Barney Frank’s birthday party.

–Enter his name into’s dating database, and watch him crack after finding out that his “perfect match” is Dick Durbin.

Whatever McCain’s up to, chances are it was the idea of somebody on the left side of the aisle, since McCain’s been in bed with more Democrats than a 20-year-veteran Berkeley whore.

The “McCain-Feingold bill”, the “McCain-Kerrey bill” (Bob Kerrey, Nebraska Democrat), the “McCain-Feinstein bill,” the “McCain-Lieberman bill,” the “McCain-Leahy bill,” the “McCain-Edwards-Kennedy bill” and even the “McCain-Kerry” bill – the list goes on. If McCain sucks up to one more Democrat, he’ll be qualified to win a dream date with Maureen Dowd.

The anti-torture rider seems to have bi-partisan support, though, so Bush can look forward to being tortured by it for quite some time to come.

The “Hillary water-cabinet torture”, above, could be outlawed if the McCain rider is signed by the president


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Author: Doug Powers

Doug Powers is a writer, editor and commentator covering news of the day from a conservative viewpoint with an occasional shot of irreverence and a chaser of snark. Townhall Media writer/editor. alum. Bowling novice. Long-suffering Detroit Lions fan. Contact: