“As soon as the monster comes to life, Victor is filled with intense revulsion. He explains, ‘The beauty of the dream vanished, and breathless horror and disgust filled my heart.’”

“Frankenstein” – Mary Wollstonecraft Shelley


Victor ain’t seen nothin’ yet.

With the 2006 elections coming up, and as the Republicans and Democrats are at the cusp of choosing their candidates for the 2008 presidential election, all the heat is on the Donkey Party.

Hillary Clinton was the assumed front-runner for the Democrat nomination, but recent polls may make the DNC nervous.

Democrats can ill-afford to lose another shot at the White House. My solution? Modern science.

The DNC should require a large percentage of their ever diminishing donations to be put into a project to extract DNA from historic Democrats and others, and create an unbeatable candidate that we’ll call “Donkenstein”.

From whom should the DNA be taken, and which parts? Here’s a suggestion:

Andrew Jackson: In the event of a repeat of the 2000 election, Democrats need a candidate who can win the popular vote, end up losing the election, and still come back in the succeeding election to win the White House, as Jackson did. The DNA sample from “Old Hickory” should help give life to a candidate with perseverance, instead of one who slips into a straight jacket after a disappointing defeat.

Franklin Delano Roosevelt: The man who started the once-every-60-year occurrence of a Democrat president with a wife rumored to be a lesbian, will have his folksy, “fireside chat” skills extracted. In addition, DNA from The Godfather of slaughterhouse-style transfer of wealth is a must for “Donkenstein.”

John F. Kennedy: Removal of this DNA could prove tricky, since the double helix is still wrapped around Marilyn Monroe’s genes. The trick here is to extract the charm and charisma while leaving behind any of the talk of the benefits of tax cuts.

Lyndon Johnson: Any viable opponent to the Republicans will need to be in good physical condition for the grueling campaign trail. LBJ stayed in prime shape – thanks mostly to a daily workout routine that began with 25 reps of clean-and-jerking his beagle by the ears.

Jimmy Carter: “Donkenstein” will need to build coalitions, and DNA from somebody who can build houses is a good start. We’ll also extract the part that remembers Fidel Castro and Hugo Chavez’s cell phone number, just in case somebody needs to get in touch with Danny Glover and Cindy Sheehan. It would be nice for the U.S. to be liked by Hamas, as well.

Walter Mondale and Michael Dukakis: Despite its superhuman nature, our creation will still need to rest. What better way to ensure this than by snatching the vocal DNA from these two men so “Donkenstein” can listen to itself talk, and fall sound asleep. “Donkenstein” will also have it’s own helmet for impromptu trips to war zones.

Bill Clinton: This should be the easiest DNA to get a hold of, since it’s on just about everything except Hillary. “Donkenstein” will need to lie, and big time. No splitting of this DNA will be required, since every bit will be filled with 100 percent pure, unadulterated lies from an adulterous liar. Americans love a good golfer, and “Donkenstein” will dazzle them with the ability to take 450 shots during an 18-hole round at Pebble Beach and yet, somehow, still finish nine under par.

John McCain: DNA from a Republican who’s been in bed with more Democrats than a 20-year veteran Berkeley prostitute is a must. The “McCain-Feingold bill”, the “McCain-Kerrey bill” (Bob Kerrey, Nebraska Democrat), the “McCain-Feinstein bill,” the “McCain-Lieberman bill,” the “McCain-Leahy bill,” the “McCain-Edwards-Kennedy bill” and the “McCain-Kerry” bill. This list must continue to grow, and we’ll see to it that “Donkenstein” has a genetic understanding of how to relate to fence-sitting Republicans.

Laurie Dhue: Just in case “Donkenstein” is a female. (Hey, I’m the one building this thing, so I can do whatever I want)

Next, we’ll take all the separate parts, place them in a test tube, and stand back and watch as the dream candidate goes through growth stages, with the youngest DNA developing in “SuperDem” first.

During the zygotic phase of gestation, we may notice glossy puckered lips mouthing the words “you’re watching FOX News” followed by a call for federal regulation of something or other.

The embryonic stage will see “Donkenstein” attempting to debate the meaning of the word “is.”

The fetal period may include a request to furlough Willie Horton, promises to raise taxes if elected, a mouthful of teeth, dreams of a “great society” and complaints of a bad back.

This may be followed by a futile inter-utero search for a cigarette holder and directions to the Yalta Conference, topped off by an attempt to force a recount with John Quincy Adams.

What a jumbled mess that would turn out to be. In other words, just like all the other potential candidates.

Back to the drawing board.


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