Donkenstein: Creating the Perfect Democrat

“As soon as the monster comes to life, Victor is filled with intense revulsion. He explains, ‘The beauty of the dream vanished, and breathless horror and disgust filled my heart.'”

“Frankenstein” – Mary Wollstonecraft Shelley

__________

Victor ain’t seen nothin’ yet.

With the 2006 elections coming up, and as the Republicans and Democrats are at the cusp of choosing their candidates for the 2008 presidential election, all the heat is on the Donkey Party.

Hillary Clinton was the assumed front-runner for the Democrat nomination, but recent polls may make the DNC nervous.

Democrats can ill-afford to lose another shot at the White House. My solution? Modern science.

The DNC should require a large percentage of their ever diminishing donations to be put into a project to extract DNA from historic Democrats and others, and create an unbeatable candidate that we’ll call “Donkenstein”.

From whom should the DNA be taken, and which parts? Here’s a suggestion:

Andrew Jackson: In the event of a repeat of the 2000 election, Democrats need a candidate who can win the popular vote, end up losing the election, and still come back in the succeeding election to win the White House, as Jackson did. The DNA sample from “Old Hickory” should help give life to a candidate with perseverance, instead of one who slips into a straight jacket after a disappointing defeat.

Franklin Delano Roosevelt: The man who started the once-every-60-year occurrence of a Democrat president with a wife rumored to be a lesbian, will have his folksy, “fireside chat” skills extracted. In addition, DNA from The Godfather of slaughterhouse-style transfer of wealth is a must for “Donkenstein.”

John F. Kennedy: Removal of this DNA could prove tricky, since the double helix is still wrapped around Marilyn Monroe’s genes. The trick here is to extract the charm and charisma while leaving behind any of the talk of the benefits of tax cuts.

Lyndon Johnson: Any viable opponent to the Republicans will need to be in good physical condition for the grueling campaign trail. LBJ stayed in prime shape – thanks mostly to a daily workout routine that began with 25 reps of clean-and-jerking his beagle by the ears.

Jimmy Carter: “Donkenstein” will need to build coalitions, and DNA from somebody who can build houses is a good start. We’ll also extract the part that remembers Fidel Castro and Hugo Chavez’s cell phone number, just in case somebody needs to get in touch with Danny Glover and Cindy Sheehan. It would be nice for the U.S. to be liked by Hamas, as well.

Walter Mondale and Michael Dukakis: Despite its superhuman nature, our creation will still need to rest. What better way to ensure this than by snatching the vocal DNA from these two men so “Donkenstein” can listen to itself talk, and fall sound asleep. “Donkenstein” will also have it’s own helmet for impromptu trips to war zones.

Bill Clinton: This should be the easiest DNA to get a hold of, since it’s on just about everything except Hillary. “Donkenstein” will need to lie, and big time. No splitting of this DNA will be required, since every bit will be filled with 100 percent pure, unadulterated lies from an adulterous liar. Americans love a good golfer, and “Donkenstein” will dazzle them with the ability to take 450 shots during an 18-hole round at Pebble Beach and yet, somehow, still finish nine under par.

John McCain: DNA from a Republican who’s been in bed with more Democrats than a 20-year veteran Berkeley prostitute is a must. The “McCain-Feingold bill”, the “McCain-Kerrey bill” (Bob Kerrey, Nebraska Democrat), the “McCain-Feinstein bill,” the “McCain-Lieberman bill,” the “McCain-Leahy bill,” the “McCain-Edwards-Kennedy bill” and the “McCain-Kerry” bill. This list must continue to grow, and we’ll see to it that “Donkenstein” has a genetic understanding of how to relate to fence-sitting Republicans.

Laurie Dhue: Just in case “Donkenstein” is a female. (Hey, I’m the one building this thing, so I can do whatever I want)

Next, we’ll take all the separate parts, place them in a test tube, and stand back and watch as the dream candidate goes through growth stages, with the youngest DNA developing in “SuperDem” first.

During the zygotic phase of gestation, we may notice glossy puckered lips mouthing the words “you’re watching FOX News” followed by a call for federal regulation of something or other.

The embryonic stage will see “Donkenstein” attempting to debate the meaning of the word “is.”

The fetal period may include a request to furlough Willie Horton, promises to raise taxes if elected, a mouthful of teeth, dreams of a “great society” and complaints of a bad back.

This may be followed by a futile inter-utero search for a cigarette holder and directions to the Yalta Conference, topped off by an attempt to force a recount with John Quincy Adams.

What a jumbled mess that would turn out to be. In other words, just like all the other potential candidates.

Back to the drawing board.

Monday's column: When liberal art imitates strife

The column at WorldNetDaily today revolves around how, why and when the left shows true appreciation for the troops– in this case, by using the controversial editorial cartoon by the Washington Post’s Tom Toles about an injured soldier as a launching pad.

Everybody seems to be praising the Post for having the “guts” to run the Toles cartoon, but I’ll bet everything I’ve got that if the armless and legless person portrayed in the hospital bed were the prophet Mohammed, they’d never, ever have run it. The answer as to why is simple.

Along the way in the column, we also learn what many on the left really think of minorities, namely conservative ones.

Give a read to today’s column, “Looney ‘Toons, for more.

We now return you to your regularly scheduled post Super Bowl hangover.

Monday’s column: When liberal art imitates strife

The column at WorldNetDaily today revolves around how, why and when the left shows true appreciation for the troops– in this case, by using the controversial editorial cartoon by the Washington Post’s Tom Toles about an injured soldier as a launching pad.

Everybody seems to be praising the Post for having the “guts” to run the Toles cartoon, but I’ll bet everything I’ve got that if the armless and legless person portrayed in the hospital bed were the prophet Mohammed, they’d never, ever have run it. The answer as to why is simple.

Along the way in the column, we also learn what many on the left really think of minorities, namely conservative ones.

Give a read to today’s column, “Looney ‘Toons, for more.

We now return you to your regularly scheduled post Super Bowl hangover.

Super Bowl prediction

I’m not going to the Super Bowl, but I’ll be at a party about 50 miles from the action, which is close enough. Detroit is expecting 6 to 10 inches of snow overnight and I have a feeling John Madden’s bus will get stuck and cause a huge traffic jam.

ABC is running the game on a five second delay “just in case”. The only forseeable problem might be a Keith Richards “wardrobe malfunction” or if Jagger’s teeth fly out of his mouth during “Shattered”, and in the event that should happen, we’ll be thankful for the delay.

So anyway, here’s my prediction: The Steelers were trending upward at the end of the season, and that rally continued throughout the playoffs, and I get the sense that they still haven’t peaked. The Seahawks were doing well most of the year, but peaked at the end of the season and early in the playoffs and then it seemed they started to flatten out. Here’s the deal… Steelers 26, Seattle 21.

Mark it down. If I’m right, I’m a genius. If I’m wrong, I delete this post and pretend it never happened.

See you on Monday!

Janet Jackson’s exposure offended all of us who don’t like our old-fashioned sense of decency compromised while we’re trying to watch one of the world’s most violent sports

Mohammed cartoon flap helps CNN highlight the difference between "respect" and "fear" (hint: one involves dampened shorts)

Blog-o-babe and syndicated columnist extraordinaire Michelle Malkin has a great post concerning the reaction of certain American media outlets as it relates to the “offensive to Islam” cartoon that has many Arab nations flipping their turbans in anger.

Michelle points out that CNN said they decided not to show the cartoon in question “out of respect for Islam”. Bull, says Malkin and others– it’s out of good old fashioned fear.

Somebody posting on this issue on Fark.com has a pretty good brief summary of why CNN and others oh so “respect” Islam:

Funny pictures of Jesus = A few nasty letters and phone calls
Funny pictures of Mohammed = Men with guns at your office

Mohammed cartoon flap helps CNN highlight the difference between “respect” and “fear” (hint: one involves dampened shorts)

Blog-o-babe and syndicated columnist extraordinaire Michelle Malkin has a great post concerning the reaction of certain American media outlets as it relates to the “offensive to Islam” cartoon that has many Arab nations flipping their turbans in anger.

Michelle points out that CNN said they decided not to show the cartoon in question “out of respect for Islam”. Bull, says Malkin and others– it’s out of good old fashioned fear.

Somebody posting on this issue on Fark.com has a pretty good brief summary of why CNN and others oh so “respect” Islam:

Funny pictures of Jesus = A few nasty letters and phone calls
Funny pictures of Mohammed = Men with guns at your office

Alec Baldwin Eats His Own

Actor/activist Alec Baldwin, life-long Kool-Aid drinker for the Democrats, is enraged at his party for letting Samuel Alito escape through confirmation and on to the Supreme Court.

Baldwin is now furious at the “chicken shit Democrats in the Senate”.

Alec was especially hard on Democrat Zell Miller. “I lothe and despise him on a daily basis”, said Baldwin.

When trying to build and maintain a reputation as the party of compassion, it’s always important to verbally kick an old man.

I’ve been an Alec Baldwin fan for a long time. Not necessarily of his movies, but of his politics. Why? Because people like Alec Baldwin are the Gilligans of Democrat Island.

Over the years, I’ve written much on how Alec Baldwin’s moronic statements – usually meant as jabs at conservatives that only end up making him sound like an escapee from Our Lady of the Botched Lobotomy – actually help forward the conservative agenda.

In an effort to thank him, I established PETAB (People for the Ethical Treatment of Alec Baldwin) in order to encourage people not to verbally bash him, but to commit to letting Alec talk his arguments into the ground. We kept our commitment, and Alec is still letting neurons that misfire like the pistons on a ’71 Buick Skylark do all the talking.

Baldwin’s head is a biological “Area 51” where the crashed UFO’s of discredited left wing tripe are secretly kept and the occasional word will slip out publicly about their existence.

In the past, Alec has “joked” about stoning to death the family of Rep. Henry Hyde, said he’d leave the country if Bush was elected, and called for the new Yankee Stadium to be built where the World Trade Centers once stood (I wish the city would have taken Baldwin’s advice, just so the stadium would be known as “The House that Thorazine Built”), and much more.

Alec subsequently managed to weasel his way out of his “If Bush gets elected I’m leaving the country” statement, which, not coincidentally, immediately sent overseas property values plummeting.

Kim Basinger must have made a similar pledge but got a little mixed up, saying that if Bush got elected she’d leave Alec. At least she had the guts to follow through on her promise.

But I’m not here to ridicule and pick on the man whose synapse fire up less frequently than the Olympic torch. I’m here to thank him. Without the Alec Baldwin’s of the world we’d never know the true feelings of the far left, unfiltered by the political agendas of politicians.

The crafty among the left wing are bright enough to conceal their true motives, but Baldwin just lets it fly unabashedly, like a bank robber who’s not afraid to take off his ski mask and look directly into the security camera. I like that in a person.

Especially now that it’s turned against his fellow Democrats.

Baldwin does a fantastic job when he hosts Saturday Night Live. He’s funny and delivers lines with impeccable comedic timing. Perhaps he’s so good at humor because he gets a lot of practice at it while he’s trying to be serious.

Rep. Murtha renews call for troop withdrawl, switches to bright red Sharpie pen this time

From CNSNews.com:

In a letter to President Bush Wednesday, Pennsylvania Democratic Congressman John Murtha renewed his call for a withdrawal of U.S. forces from Iraq and warned that the United States was “in danger of breaking our military.”

Ol’ John’s going to keep calling for troop withdrawl until the troops are actually withdrawn for other reasons, at which point he’ll say, “Whew! It’s about time they listened to me!” This is known by psychologists inside-the-beltway as “the Kerry delusion”, and, tragically, there is no cure.

The Bile Toles For Thee: When Editorial Cartoons Attack

Editorial cartoons in newspapers are a long standing tradition. They can help capture the emotion, attitude, and cultural essence of a particular point-in-time in an often humorous way– or they can just be completely around-the-bend poli-gristle.

Tom Toles is the editorial cartoonist for the Washington Post, and one of his latest toons has probably accomplished what it was intended to do: caused a big public stir. Toles’ cartoon prompted a rare protest letter to the newspaper from all six of the Joint Chiefs of Staff of the United States. Here’s the letter.

What’s the cartoon?

Aren’t liberals supposed to be the “sensitive” ones? Aren’t they the caring ones? Well, not if you’re a U.S. soldier they’re not.

But wait, many say that this cartoon was drawn because the toonist cares deeply about the U.S. soldiers.

The wacky left, from Michael Moore on down, will tell everybody that this is a commentary on Donald Rumsfeld and Bush Administration policies which have gotten young men and women maimed and killed. Here’s a blogger who thinks that, if this cartoon upsets you, it’s a terrible thing that a cartoonist cares more about the troops than you do.

We can take the examination of some liberal editorial cartoons a bit further.

How about all the good, caring, inclusive minority-hugging liberal cartoonists who consistantly depict Condoleezza Rice as some sort of plantation slave, exaggerating features in the vein of 19th and early 20th century racist “art”? If a conservative cartoonist drew a liberal black woman as some shufflin’ down the street, scarf on the head, buck-toothed mammy, libs would scream “See, told ya they were racist!”

When many on the left proclaim to be the only champions of minority rights, this has always been a gross facade, but now it’s getting so obvious that they’re embarrassing even their lawn jockeys.

Many other cartoons also feature Rice speaking in what could best be described as “slave language”, with Bush treating her like George Wallace talking to a shoeshine kid in Birmingham. Bush even calls her “brown sugar” in one Doonesbury cartoon.

Notice that neither does Rice speak that way, nor has Bush ever said any such thing. Then why do these people say, write and draw those things? Because that’s how they view blacks, and that’s how they treat them. You can fool some people, but you can’t fool Mr. Freud and his slip.

This brings us back to the Toles cartoon. What’s more likely? That a liberal like Toles really, deeply cares about the troops, who volunteered for the service– or that he’s mocking them, consciously or subconsciously, because they were dumb enough to enlist in the military and fight in an unjust war for a moron like George W. Bush?

Here’s something interesting. The Washington Post will no doubt defend Toles’ right to free speech, and they should, but I’ll bet the ranch that they’d never consider running the cartoon containing a caricature of the prophet Mohammed that has caused an uprising in Europe and angered many in the Muslim community.

There are the “right” people to offend, and there are the “wrong” people to offend.

All the confusion makes sense though when you take the haughty, artistic, self-appointed intellectuals among the liberal left for what they are.

After all, this is a group of people who can consider a cartoon depicting a maimed soldier as being a truthful and necessary statement against violence in war, but if somebody drew a cartoon depicting a maimed fetus, this would be considered a horrendous statement– against a woman’s right to choose.

So, the liberal left can continue to pretend to love soldiers, minorities, children, the handicapped, etc, but the proof is in the pudding– or, in this case, the drawings.

Where would minorities be without liberal sensitivity?

Is NBC trying to cook their goose, or yours?

Hot on the heels of the cancellation of the program “Book of Daniel“, NBC has said that Britney Spears will appear on “Will & Grace”, playing a Christian conservative who hosts a cooking show called “Cruci-fixins“. No, seriously.

Christians, do you really want to piss off Hollywood? Do you really want to get their blood boiling? Then, just this once– don’t react! Don’t give them the free publicity. No angry protests will them nuts. Nothing ruins the day of an attention whore more than not being solicited.

The lip synching alone could be annoying enough, but still… shhhh. Just put up with all the recipes that are bound to come from this, like “Cross-ants”, “Salmon-on-the-Mount”, and “Berry Magdeleine” and let it roll away like water off Ted Kennedy’s sport coat.

NBC said this will be the final season for Will & Grace, so let it go out with a whimper, instead of the bang they’re obviously going for.