If Patrick Henry was a member of the United Nations, history books would now contain the brave proclamation, “give me a committee on liberty, or give me a commission to form a round table task force on death”.

The United Nations “committee against torture” (anybody who’s ever served on a committee knows that “commitee” and “torture” are reduntant) has recommended in a new report that the United States close the prison at Guantanamo Bay, Cuba.

The committee said it was worried that detainees were being held for protracted periods with insufficient legal safeguards and without judicial assessment of the justification for their detention.

“The state party should cease to detain any person at Guantanamo Bay and close the detention facility,” the panel of 10 independent experts said.

I say do it. Yes, it’s becoming clear that American soldiers are increasingly in harms way down there. Just yesterday, Gitmo guards entered a room to stop an apparent suicide attempt (why guards would want to interrupt the Lord’s work is beyond me) and then the prisoners (I’m sorry… “detainees”) attacked them. The suicide attempt was apparently a fake. Obviously the prisoners have been so abused that they can’t even remember how to kill themselves properly.

But once we close Gitmo, what do we do with the prisoners? According to the U.N., we can’t send them home:

The Committee Against Torture also said detainees should not be returned to any country where they could face a “real risk” of being tortured.

But… I thought prisoners were being tortured at Gitmo? One prisoner reported that he was humiliated by being stripped naked, forced to bark like a dog, and subjected to loud music. The disdain for that must be a cultural difference. Some call it “torture”, others call it “Saturday night”.

Besides, if you’ve got to be tortured, it’s best to be tortured domestically, isn’t it?

So, the U.N. says that the prison should be closed, but the prisoners can’t be sent home. Now what? There is only one answer: The prisoners should be sent to stay at the United Nations headquarters, safely harbored in the meeting rooms of the “committee against torture”, until it is decided what to do with the victims of Bush’s illegal and immoral war on terror.

Lead by example, United Nations! Show us all that you’re willing to put our money where your mouth is and adopt these oppressed, wrongly accused, unaccused, civil rights deprived detainees.

In addition, I urge the United States government to abide by the U.N.’s recommendation and close Gitmo now, and immediately transport all detainees directly to the nearest United Nations offices, both in the U.S. and abroad. There, the prisoners can be looked after and well-fed, and do whatever they please. We’ll call it a “roil for food” program.

The prisoners should be safe there among the pencil-pushing bureaucratic dorks, Euro-wimps, Third World finger pointers, America bashers and globalist pantywaists. I can’t vouch for the safety of the latter, however.

If you think about it, my plan would take care of two problems at the same time.


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