Bill Clinton is talking tough about the Israel/Hezbollah fiasco, tougher even than President Bush did yesterday:

Former US President Bill Clinton who many Arab thoughts was more even-handed on the Palestine question than his predecessors shocked many when he asserted in Toronto last week that had Israel been attacked by Iraq or Iran during his presidency, he would have been ready to “grab a rifle, get in a ditch and fight and die.”“The Israelis know that if the Iraqi or the Iranian army came across the Jordan River, I would personally grab a rifle, get in a ditch, and fight and die,” Clinton told the crowd at a fund-raising event for a Toronto Jewish charity Monday.

However, if the Iraqi or Iranian army came across the Atlantic and attacked the U.S., Clinton would high tail it to Oxford and stoke up a doobie.

Of course, this is Hezbollah, so “technically” Clinton still isn’t bound by his words to fight and die for Israel, since he limited his promised action to Iran or Iraq. This is the “is” of this particular occasion.

Bill Clinton is what I call a mega-megalomaniac. Here’s the difference between the two:

MegalomaniacA person suffering from a psychopathological condition
characterized by delusional fantasies of wealth, power, or omnipotence.

Mega-Megalomania – A person suffering from a psychopathological condition
characterized by delusional fantasies of wealth, power, or omnipotence while being serviced by pudgy interns, cheating at golf or lying to Jews.

“It’s been confirmed,” A psychologist who wishes to remain anonymous told me recently, “Bill Clinton is suffering from the extremely rare “Mega-Megalomania.” The pronouncement makes this the first case of diagnosed Mega-Megalomania since Caligula, and for that matter the first plain ol’ Megalomaniac since, well, Hillary.

Surface bravery is one sure sign of the disorder.

Almost immediately after the terrorist attacks on 9/11, Bill Clinton didn’t wait until the fires were put out and our tears were dry to start reminding us with what ferocity he went after bin Laden. Sure. Back in ’98 he had us lob a couple of 1.2 million dollar cruise missiles into Afghanistan which did nothing but double that country’s gross national product. Then he fired a couple at a pharmaceuticals plant in the Sudan, virtually eliminating the global threat posed by aspirin.

What did these attacks accomplish, other than to sentence thousands of Sudanese to no headache relief? Nothing, really, but it did accomplish all that matters to the Mega-Megalomaniac, the appearance of doing something to maintain a level of power without actually having to put your balls on the line. The fact that Bill Clinton didn’t really go after terrorists with any level of ferocity during his 8 years in office can only mean one thing; Their checks cleared.

Mega-Megalomaniacs also always think they suffer more than anyone else in their usually unrecognized, unappreciated and selfless efforts to make your life better. “I feel your pain.” Sure. The most pain Clinton’s ever had to endure was after he walked out of his brother Roger’s house and tripped over the hitch, or when he took a “property of White House” plate upside the head after coming home to Chappaqua late one night covered in lipstick.

So, fear not, Israel, Bill Clinton would never follow through on his promise to take up arms on your behalf, go in a ditch, and fight and die. It must give Israel all sorts of confidence knowing that Clinton has already assumed that the battle will end in the death of those on Israel’s side.

In short, Bill Clinton is the guy on the Titanic who’s sitting around the dinner table telling tales of how he’s going to get in the ring and beat the hell out of Jack Johnson, but just heard the Captain yell “Women and children first” so he excused himself to go hunt for a cocktail dress, pumps and a wig and to try and get a baby bonnet on a slab of salami.


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