So far have the Clinton excuses stretched that now the ABC network and Hollywood seem to now be included as members of the “vast right wing conspiracy.” Who woulda thunk it?

As I speculated yesterday, Bill Clinton and current and former members of his staff are fuming over ABC’s miniseries, “The Path to 9/11,” and may demand equal time (if not get the movie pulled altogether). The movie, which is supposed to run on Sunday and Monday nights, apparently makes the Clinton Administration out to be inept and distracted, to say the least, from tackling terrorism.

It seems like only yesterday that Democrats were slamming CBS for caving in and pulling a movie on Ronald Reagan after negative conservative reaction.

As for “Path to 9/11,” ABC has already agreed to alter scenes based on complaints from former Clintonites, but that probably won’t be enough (here’s the movie Bill wants to air instead).

Clinton, predictably, has New York Times movie reviewers on his side, but I’m sure Bubba will demand that the network offer time for Democrat rebuttal.

In the name of fairness and bipartisanship, I’m going to write the Democrat response to “Path to 9/11.”

I’d suggest that Bill Clinton himself deliver the response, with a pre-broadcast disclaimer by Madeline Albright.

Here’s the suggested text of the disclaimer:

Hello, I’m former Secretary of State Madeline Albright. What you’re about to see is new ground for the mainstream media. What is this new ground? Right-wing biased storytelling eminating from former Clinton allies, which are television network executives and Hollywood screenwriters. 

Among the hideous lies contained within the following film, what was excluded was even more despicable. For example, there is no mention of the fact that President Bush is hiding Osama Bin Laden for political purposes. I am grateful, however, that the network decided to cut my character’s nude scene with Kim Jung Il.

As this film pertains to the Clinton administration, I ask you to view it as a work of complete fiction. By the way, what’s ”double bagger” mean?

Post movie Democrat response, delivered by Bill Clinton:

My fellow Americans. What you just witnessed was a horrific pack-mentality attack on my administration. I take personal offense to the scene where I was being serviced in the Oval Office while Dick Morris was portrayed trying to talk to me on the phone with a mouthful of hooker toes and mumbling something about the Khobar Towers attack. This conversation did not take place anywhere near the time of the Khobar Towers attack.

The fact is, during my tenure as president, my administration thwarted at least 15 terrorist plots, including plans to bomb the Holland Tunnel, a plot to blow up a flight from Los Angeles to the Philippines, a plan to kill the pope, and, perhaps most shockingly, we put down a threatened comeback by the Bay City Rollers.

Also, the nuclear threat was virtually eliminated during my administration. Thanks to me, in the 90′s if somebody said “fat man and little boy,” they were referring to Michael Moore and Robert Riech, and not nuclear holocaust.

In addition, my administration launched millions of dollars worth of cruise missiles into Afghanistan and the Sudan. I view this not only as a gallant attempt to get Bin Laden, but also as the economic coup of doubling the GNP of those nations. Fighting terrorism and propping up 3rd world economies were cornerstones of my administration.

Here’s a list of the terrorist activities during my presidency portrayed in “Path to 9/11″ and what we, in reality, were busy doing.

1993 First World Trade Center bombing — I was president for a month at the time. There were 12 years of Republican presidents leading up to this attack. By the way, did you know that Ramzi Yousef was a major GOP donor?

1995 Attack on US Diplomats in Pakistan — Following the Republican congressional juggernaut which seized control in 1994, I was bravely defending the nation from Newt Gingrich’s “contract with America,” which would have, if left to be carried out unimpeded, caused every American to lose their job, be forced to give up a minimum of one of their children to be used in medical experiments, and banned television. So, you see, I was indeed fighting terrorists at the time. Domestic terrorists!

1996 Khobar Towers attack — 1996, campaign season, hellooooo! Had Bob Dole been elected, we’d all be dead now.

1998 U.S. Embassy Bombing in Peru — Shortly before this, I received Buddy, my beloved dog, as a gift and was busy promoting animal rights in the White House. I’ll never forget how ol’ Buddy would love to catch the “Junior Samples Commemorative Frisbee” I received as a gift from Boxcar Willie. The White House staff also remembers the joy in Buddy’s eyes as he would go on long walks with his master, or how he liked to sit on the hitch of Uncle Roger’s house and watch the fellas tap the still. Or after dinner how he would go around the table and lick everyone’s plate clean. Or was that Hugh Rodham? Heh heh… Anyway, I miss him. He slipped the surly bonds of earth to hump the leg of God…

1998 U.S. Kenya Embassy blown up – Republicans kept me so distracted with my impeachment that I couldn’t focus on anything else. Blame them.

1998 U.S. Tanzania Embassy blown up — Ditto here.

2000 USS Cole attacked, many U.S. Navy sailors murdered — After all Republicans had put me through at the time concerning my private matter with Miss Lewinsky, when somebody told me there was a “big problem involving seamen,” you can only imagine how I comprehended that one, and my only response was, “Not again!” If it is viewed that I failed to address this attack, it’s because Republicans made such a fuss over my personal life when they should have allowed me to focus on the issues.

Now I want you to listen to me, and listen good: I… did… not… have… ignorant… relations… with… terrorism. If my staff or I seemed to have been distracted, blame Republicans.

I appreciate your support in our efforts to ban future movies critical of my administration – former members of which continue to stand and fight for what makes America great: Freedom.


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