This nation desperately needs some fresh conspiracy theories.

The 9/11 “U.S. government did it” rants are getting old. It seems like forever since the Ft. Marcy Park “this was no suicide” proclamations by all sorts of anti-Clintonites. The tinfoil on the hats of the “we never landed on the moon” crowd is oxidizing. And what happened to Area 51 and all the aliens? I think there’s a Wal-Mart there now.

In the spirit of keeping conspiracy theories moving along and not becoming stagnate in a pool of complacency, I offer the following theories based in reality. These are my personal theories which will no doubt be debunked in a future issue of Popular Mechanics. Some are believable, some are not, but all may catch on somewhere.

Fact: There is a new movie out called “Death of a President,” in which the assassination of George Bush is depicted.

Conspiracy: There are two — 1) Director Gabriel Range made the film to impress Jodie Foster, and 2) The NRA financially backed the movie to convince congressional liberals to repeal the Brady Bill.


Fact: Former Secretary of State Henry Kissinger recently said… well, I have no idea what he said, but fortunately he also wrote it down in an op-ed for the Washington Post. Kissinger wrote that we’re facing an upcoming “war of civilizations.”

Conspiracy: Kissinger is on the payroll as a lobbyist for radical Islam and is charged with the chore of convincing the west that groups of uncivilized can comprise ”civilizations.”


Fact: A professor released a “study” that says men are smarter than women.

Conspiracy: He’s paying Rosie O’Donnell to go on “The View” to validate his findings.


Fact: Former Texas Governor Ann Richards passed away this week.

Conspiracy: Official cause of death on the coroner’s report is listed as “silver foot blunt force trauma.”


Fact: NASA has a program called “Centennial Challenges,” which offers cash prizes to encourage the commercialization of space transportation.

Conspiracy: The “prize” money is being funneled to two sources. 1) To fund the construction of a set in an Arizona warehouse which, upon completion, will be an exact reproduction of the look and feel of the surface of Mars for the upcoming fake landing of humans on the Red Planet. 2) The remainder of the money is being given to a famous New York developer, who is in return building beach houses for NASA executives as long as they’ll rename the moon “Trump.”


Fact: Pluto was recently stripped of its status as a planet, and assigned an asteroid number.

Conspiracy: All new editions of school science textbooks will now have to be printed, sold and distributed. The International Astronomical Union is in bed financially with publishers of these books. One of the largest publishers of school textbooks in the United States is McGraw-Hill. Who owns McGraw-Hill? Halliburton. Look it up.


Fact: The summer of 1936 was hotter than the summer of 2006.

Conspiracy: In 2000, shortly after George W. Bush took office, concerns that global warming fears would harm sales of fossil fuels, companies manufacturing thermometers were sent orders to create and distribute thermometers which register ten degrees cooler than the actual temperature. These companies were offered huge tax breaks to ensure compliance. As a result of this mislead, 2006 temperatures were falsely reported. This summer was, in fact, twice as hot as in 1936, with the average temperature coming in at a record-setting 122 degrees. Heat causes fired. Who puts out fires for money? Halliburton. Look it up.


Fact: House Majority Leader John Boehner recently said that Democrats in Congress are more interested in protecting the rights of terrorists that they are in protecting the American people.

Conspiracy: That’s not true.


Fact: Construction on the “Freedom Tower” at the ground zero site is slowly getting underway.

Conspiracy: Building designs include pre-drilled holes for controlled demolition expolosives which will be operated via satellite directly from the Oval Office in the event another imposition of a New World Order, rally of mindless nationalism, and imprisonment of innocent Muslims becomes necessary. No more unsightly and obvious lighting of fuses.


Fact: Ted Kennedy has gin-blossoms on his face.

Conspiracy: Total bunk. After he was born in February 1932, Ted’s father Joe leaned over the bassinet to kiss him, and those “gin-blossoms” are in fact remnants of Gloria Swanson’s lipstick.


Fact: Actor George Clooney warned the U.N. that millions could die if they don’t immediately send peacekeeping forces to Darfur.

Conspiracy: Humanitarian, shmumanitarian. Sudan is full of oil, and those calling for a Darfur intervention are motivated purely by this fact. Yes indeed, George Clooney is secretly working for Halliburton. Look it up.


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