Oprah (specifically, “O” magazine) has announced the list of the sexiest men in the world. It looks as though the winners were chosen by throwing darts at Drudge Report links.

Among the not-so-surprising feel-good inclusions is Markos Moulitsas Zuniga, who runs the liberal blog The Daily Kos. Bloggers are now among the sexiest people on the planet? How long can it be before we see the school lunch lady in the Miss America contest? There’s a good reason we stay confined to our living rooms, and it ain’t because we’re smokin’ hot.

You know it’s gotta be Oprah when a “homeless advocate” is one of the sexiest earthlings. Talk about one of the most inappropriately named “jobs” in the history of careers. Who the hell “advocates” homelessness anyway? How do you work your way up to that job? By starting out small by advocating hemorrhoids, cold sores and male pattern baldness? Either way, apparently it’s sexy. I don’t advocate homelessness. Actually, I encourage people avoid it if at all possible. This means I’ll never make Oprah’s list. Darn.

Jeffrey Sachs, a U.N. economic advisor, also made Oprah’s list. Sachs wants the world to forgive billions of dollars of African debt, and if not, encourages African nations not to pay it back. This is sexy. I wonder if Oprah would think it was equally as sexy if we all ordered her magazine and never paid for it.

Others on the list include David Gregory (I’ll assume this is the NBC reporter, not the 17th century mathematician), Cardinals slugger Albert Pujols, Illinois Senator Barack Obama, and Cory A. Booker, mayor of Newark, New Jersey, marking one of the few times you’ll see the words “Newark” and “sexy” on the same page.

Oddly enough, the man who’s was running an “Oprah for President” campaign and was threatened by Oprah’s people with getting his pants sued off for copyright infringement didn’t make the list, despite an apology from Oprah.

The magazine says “The true turn-ons are brains, humor, compassion and commitment.” Too bad men don’t have boobs, or that sentence could be a lot shorter. Women really tend to complicate things, don’t they?

In that spirit, since the two Google founders, Larry Page and Sergey Brin, made Oprah’s “sexiest” list, I decided it would be appropriate to Google “brains humor compassion commitment.” The results were interesting, and also didn’t include anybody on Oprah’s list. I found a yoga school, the Dalai Lama, and a review of the movie “50 first dates.” Those things will be on next years list.

Another inclusion is Fareed Zakaria, editor of Newsweek International. Zakaria is the man who wrote a piece in the weeks following 9/11 entitled “Why they hate us.” The mere title implies that America burned Ike Turner’s dinner. Sexy! In defense of Zakaria, titling the piece “why we hate them” in the direct wake of 9/11 would have been most redundant. Mega popups on your website is also smokin’ hot! Oh, and his sexy doesn’t just pull in the ladies. Jon Stewart of The Daily Show finds Zakaria “an intellectual heartthrob.”

Then there’s Patrick Fitzgerald, the special prosecutor investigating the outing of Valerie Plame. Fitzgerald knew that Richard Armitage outed Plame but indicted Scooter Libby instead. Being a political hack must indeed be sexy — as long as the proper people are the ones being hacked.

Here’s Debbie Schlussel’s take on Oprah’s list. Debbie says that “if these men are sexy, sex is dead.” Well, I can’t really comment on that, so I’ll open the floor to the ladies.

There are a couple others on Oprah’s list, but how much sexy can we handle in one column?

Coming up in next month’s special “psychobabble swimsuit issue”: Celebrity jammy parties, two Maya Angelou poems about how being poor sucks, and an essay about why people who abduct kids are, like, total jerks

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Comments

One Response to “Oprah's "16 Sexiest Men in the World" — Noticably Absent: Dr. Phil and Rosie O'Donnell”

  1. Ethan on September 1st, 2013 2:32 am

    shipping container home

    way of the future

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