Are you a politician who’s gotten into just a little bit of trouble? You and your attorney can’t get on the same page because you got on the wrong page? Tired of having to think up an excuse at the last second? Well worry no more, because The Besieged Politician Blame Deflecting Press Release Generatorâ„¢ is here.

Don’t end up having to throw your excuses together at the last minute in haphazard fashion. Don’t be the next Mark Foley. Be prepared!

Just choose what you’ve been accused of, insert the proper information, and voila, The Besieged Politician Blame Deflecting Press Release Generatorâ„¢ does the rest!

With The Besieged Politician Blame Deflecting Press Release Generatorâ„¢, you get excuses for 199 different crimes, misdemeanors and morally questionable slip-ups — Yes, you heard it right, 199 different crimes, misdemeanors and morally questionable slip-ups — for only $9,999.95!

That’s right, for the price of the first ten minutes of a re-election fundraiser, you get quality blame deflecting press releases that can either be faxed or emailed to the media, or read at a press conference by your attorney or family member (if there’s one who isn’t furious with you).

Here’s just one example of what you get when you order The Besieged Politician Blame Deflecting Press Release Generatorâ„¢:

Drunk driving

As most of you now know, (insert time of arrest, i.e. “last night,” “early this morning,” etc.) I was pulled over by officers from the (name of city) police department. As a public figure and servant of the people, I take full responsibility for my actions. I plan to check into an alcohol treatment program to confront the effects of the dreaded disease with which I have been afflicted. In taking full responsibility for my actions, I must confess that, years ago, I was sexually assaulted by (insert “clergy,” “scout leader,” etc.) which caused me to seek relief at the bottom of a bottle, but fortunately that didn’t take away my ability to accept full responsibility.

Regular beatings by my father diminished my ability to discern right from wrong, and a mother who left feminine hygiene products hanging over the shower curtain rod (or “tampons in the toilet” or “performed sexual favors on the mailman while forcing me to watch” or all of the above) cost me many friends as a child. As a result, this further pushed me to seek a means of emotional escape, culminating years later in my arrest (if election year, replace “arrest” with “cry for help”) for drinking and driving, for which I alone accept full responsibility.

Also, being afflicted with Crohn’s colitis (or chronic fatigue syndrome, shingles, painful rectal hematoma, etc.) which was misdiagnosed by a doctor at the (name of out-of-the-way hospital in an area making it difficult for the press to substantiate the claim) made it necessary to seek relief from the physical agony in the form of (name of favorite drink — for men, if the answer is “Cosmopolitan,” use “Vodka martinis” instead).

Accepting full responsibility isn’t easy, yet it’s the right thing to do, even though I do have a child with runtism which has accumulated medical bills to the point where my arthritic wife has been forced to take a job at White Castle (if in rural area, use “Denny’s”) to allow me to continue a life of public service.

It’s been a pleasure to serve my constituency and I look forward to serving you, not to mention the homeless people I dish out turkey and potatoes to on Thanksgiving even in the throes of chronic migraines, in the future – as I continue to grapple with this disease that I can’t help having while taking on full responsibility for this incident even though I was forever scarred by a kindergarten teacher who called me retarded.

Yes, that’s right, and with The Besieged Politician Blame Deflecting Press Release Generatorâ„¢, you get 198 more press releases, all fully customizable! Here’s just a sampling of accusations you’ll be fully prepared to confront:

Intern groping

Punched airport security

Instant messages to pages

The “Kennedy trifecta” (drunk driving, rape, public nudity)

Bribes

Kickbacks

Gay prostitution ring

3 a.m. voicemail

Who’s that other woman in my car?

Adultery

Highway rest area

Crack smoking

Bestiality

Prescription medication addiction

The “N” word

Botched suicide attempt

Bathhouse bust

Free event tickets

How’d that cash get in my freezer?

“Fact-finding mission” to Fiji

Peepshow

High treason

Low treason

“She sure looked 18!”

Mysterious staffer disappearance

Bullwhip fetish

Restaurant threesome

And many, many more!

The Besieged Politician Blame Deflecting Press Release Generatorâ„¢. Never be caught unprepared again. Order yours today! How much is your career worth to you?

To order The Besieged Politician Blame Deflecting Press Release Generatorâ„¢, call 1-800-RESPONSIBLE, or send $9,999.95 (include $999 for S&H) to:

Capitol Building
E Capitol St NE & 1st St NE
Washington, DC 20001

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