“As soon as the monster comes to life, Victor is filled with intense revulsion. He explains, ‘The beauty of the dream vanished, and breathless horror and disgust filled my heart.’”

“Frankenstein” – Mary Wollstonecraft Shelley

Victor ain’t seen nuthin’ yet.


Not winning back the House and Senate, or at least one of the two, this election year is the Democrats worst nightmare – if you don’t count being stuck in an elevator with Barney Frank. After that, both parties will start worrying about winning the presidency.

With all the genetic tinkering going on nowadays, I’m wondering why nobody is toying with the idea of actually creating the ultimate politician.

Using the miracle of science, I’d suggest that the Democrats obtain DNA samples of the following people to create the world’s first test-tube colossal candidate, which we’ll call “SuperDem.”

Democrats, call the guys in lab coats, get out the Petrie dish, grab a shovel, and get to work! Here’s who I’d start with:

Andrew Jackson: In the event of a repeat of the 2000 election, Democrats need a candidate who can win the popular vote, end up losing the election, and still come back in the succeeding election to win the White House, as Jackson did. The DNA sample from “Old Hickory” should help give life to a candidate with perseverance, instead of one who turns into William Conrad’s body-double after a disappointing defeat.

Franklin Delano Roosevelt: The man who started the once-every-60-year occurrence of a Democrat president with a wife rumored to be a lesbian, will have his folksy, “fireside chat” skills extracted. DNA from “The Godfather” of slaughterhouse-style transfer of wealth is a must for “SuperDem.”

John F. Kennedy: Removal of this DNA could prove tricky, since the double helix is still wrapped around Marilyn Monroe’s genes. The trick here is to take the charm and charisma without letting JFK’s stated appreciation of the benefits of tax cuts accidentally slip into SuperDem.

Lyndon Johnson: Voters love candidates with physicle strength, along with the swagger of a Texan. LBJ stayed in prime physical condition – thanks mostly to a daily workout routine that began with 25 reps of clean-and-jerking his beagle by the ears.

Jimmy Carter: “SuperDem” may need to build not only international coalitions, but a house as well. We’ll also extract the part that remembers Fidel Castro’s cell phone number, just in case we need to get in touch with Danny Glover.

Walter Mondale and Michael Dukakis: Despite its superhuman nature, our creation will still need to rest. What better way to ensure this than by snatching the vocal DNA from these two men so “SuperDem” can listen to itself talk, and fall sound asleep.

Bill Clinton: This should be the easiest DNA to get a hold of, since it’s on just about everything except Hillary. “SuperDem” will need to lie, and big time. No splitting of this DNA will be required, since every bit will be filled with 100 percent pure, unadulterated lies from an adulterous liar. Americans love a good golfer, and “SuperDem” will dazzle them with the ability to take 450 shots during an 18-hole round at Pebble Beach and yet, somehow, still finish nine under par.

George W. Bush: That’s right, George W. Bush. Extract only the strand of DNA that knows how to properly throw out a first pitch at a baseball game. SuperDem should be a fireballer. Democrats can’t afford any more embarrassing pitchers. Lousy ball players cost votes by the thousands. Getting the ball over the plate, and from the mound, not halfway to the plate, is symbolic of so much and a much overlooked positive characteristic.

Laurie Dhue: Just in case “SuperDem” is a female. (Hey, I’m the one building this thing, so I can do whatever I want!)

Next, we’ll take all the separate parts, place them in a test tube, and stand back and watch as the dream candidate goes through growth stages, with the youngest DNA developing in “SuperDem” first.

During the zygotic phase of gestation, we may notice glossy puckered lips mouthing the words “you’re watching FOX News.” The embryonic stage may see it saying “nu-kew-lar” and attempting to debate the meaning of the word “is.” The fetal period may include a request to furlough Willie Horton, promises to raise taxes if elected, a mouthful of teeth, dreams of a “great society” and complaints of a bad back. This may be followed by a futile inter-utero search for a cigarette holder and directions to the Yalta Conference, topped off by an attempt to force a recount with John Quincy Adams.

What a jumbled mess that would turn out to be. In other words, just so many of the regular candidates.

Back to the drawing board.

Coming soon: Creating the perfect Republican.


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