Elizabeth Edwards, wife of former Kerry running-mate John Edwards, just recently told a gathering that her choices in life have made her more joyful than Sen. Hillary Clinton. Coming from a woman who has spent the better part of her life helping her husband get his hair untangled from the rear bumpers of ambulances, that’s saying something.

Here’s what Edwards said:

“She and I are from the same generation. We both went to law school and married other lawyers, but after that we made other choices. I think my choices have made me happier. I think I’m more joyful than she is.”

Now Elizabeth Edwards, fearing a life of having to pay a jumpy valet $20 to start her car for her every single morning for the rest of her life, has apologized.

How would you feel if you were Elizabeth’s husband. “I’m sorry, Mrs. Clinton, for saying my life choices have made me more joyful than you. I am in fact just as miserable, if not moreso, than you, and for this I apologize.”

Many people on the right side of the aisle have said of Edwards’ apology something similar to this: “Leave it to a Democrat to, in a fit of rare apoplectic integrity, tell the truth and then apologize for it.”

But I’m not so sure that Edwards was right to say that Hillary isn’t joyful.

Sure, I don’t think it’s any great stretch to assume that Hillary Clinton isn’t a joyful person.

This is a woman whose personality warms and comforts like a handful of refrigerated ball bearings down the front of your pants, and that isn’t the feeling you get from somebody who’s happy with their life.

Why would somebody think that Hillary Clinton isn’t a happy person? When a “normal” person looks at her situation, it’s obvious. What woman could be married to a licentious husband with zipper erosion and be joyful? What woman could make an impossible fortune on cattle futures and then bitch about corporate greed without feeling a twinge of personal unhappiness, not to mention shame? 

What woman could order the rifling of a “good friend’s” White House office and trash it so severely that investigators falsely assumed that Guns N’ Roses had spent the night there, without having it suck a little joy out of life. Who could participate in a land scheme, actually, many of them, that screwed hard-working people out of their money without losing just a little glee from their existence? Who could be for abortion, then against it, then for it, then against it again to the point where fetuses start to think they’re ping-pong balls, and not have it sap some of the happy from their life?

Would a “joyful” person feel the need to scale the north face of Mt. Pitiful and make up a story about being named after climber Sir Edmund Hillary, who gained fame six years after Hillary was born?

Who? Hillary Clinton, that’s who. Maybe Edwards was right to apologize. If you think about it, is there anybody happier than a usual suspect who gets off scott free time and time again?

“Apologize Elizabeth, or I’ll eat your liver with some fava beans, and a nice chianti…”


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