It became apparent a few years ago that Al Gore was freaking out to the point of needing to be in the care of Nurse Ratchet, but now Al’s talking about making some exit holes in the ozone layer, and we all could be someday launched into Gorebit.

Gore says we’re in a “full scale planetary emergency” — the degree of which will no doubt be decided based on how many Democrats win a week from Tuesday. This crisis has reached the point where Gore thinks we need to begin exploring the space option, with colonization as a possible next step.

That’s right: Who wants to move to the moon with Al Gore? Anyone…? Anyone…? Tipper…?

Can you imagine a planetary exodus, or even some sort of orbital resource program, put into play by Al Gore types?

Consider colonization. Not only would we have to find a suitable planet or moon, but first we’d have to shell out another several billion dollars for the inevitable “environmental impact study.” Many speak of colonizing Mars, but heck, our orbiters have already detected a thinning ozone layer. The fact that it’s thinning would suggest that either there are natural reasons for the ozone depletion, or this is an unmistakable sign of extraterrestrial life using aerosol hairspray and driving SUVs.

With the ozone troubles on Mars, any visiting astronauts should be prepared to scrap their SUV-like surface transportation systems, and get around the planet by bicycle, lest they face scorching, finger-pointing diatribes from Gore.

What if Al Gore’s right? What if we are someday forced to leave behind what Carl Sagan called our pale blue dot?

The fact is, we might be horribly disappointed. I’m all for space exploration. However, our natural instinct of escaping to security may never be satisfied by the colonization of other planets. Al Gore insists that we’re abusing our planet, and Earth will someday run out of room and resources. Maybe we’ll go to Mars, searching for respite from the misery of earth’s overpopulation, illness and disastrous environmental conditions.

After arriving on the Red Planet seeking solace, we’ll sit in a crowded Starbucks, elbow to elbow with a thicket of people — among them Al Gore, who will be voicing concern about Mars’ depleting ozone layer, debating over whether or not to allow oil drilling in the Valles Marineris canyons, and aiming a hacking cough directly into our mocha lattes.

Back to the drawing board, eh?

Gore also criticized Bush’s space policy which stresses U.S. freedom of action:

“If one nation takes it upon itself to assert its own unilateral definition of what world law should be — without respect to what the rest of the world thinks about it—that’s usually a mistake,” Gore told Summit attendees. “Policy matters. Law matters. International law matters.”

Of course, it’s only logical to allow nations with little or no technological ability whatsoever to have input on the space aspirations of the United States.

Is Gore right? If you think about it, alone, the United States could probably design, launch and land Americans on Mars in order to set up a colony. But, if we had equal input from, say, Kenya and Bangladesh, we could accomplish the same thing in twice the time and at triple the cost.

Join Al Gore in space if you like, but I’ll wait it out here. Bureaucracy and space exploration go together like bureaucracy and… anything else.

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