At Barbra Streisand’s website, the singer/actress/activist has an entry entitled “Simple things we can all do to help stop global warming.”

What comprises the list? About half the items consists of stuff our mothers have been yelling at us about for time immemorial. It turns out our parents were environmental activists all along.

The “pointers” include: Changing old, incandescent lights to newer energy-saving models and dim lights when in use; updating your heating/cooling system to a more efficient model; make sure that your refrigerator door seals properly; wait until you have a full load before running your dishwasher; invest in green stocks and renewable energy companies through socially responsible funds; eat locally grown food and fruits and vegetables that are in season (if the food doesn’t have to travel far, there’s less carbon dioxide from the trucks that ship it); and a few more.

Since there’s nothing worse than being preached to about energy output by a person who lives in a house like this…

…I’d like to present a little list I call “6 Simple things Barbra Streisand can do to help stop global warming”:

1) Quit touring. On an average touring night, some 14,000 people attend a Streisand concert. Assuming people arrive two to a vehicle, that’s 7,000 cars driving an average of, say, 40 miles at even a generous average of 20 miles per gallon. This amounts to 14,000 gallons of gas per night spewed into the atmosphere just to hear Babs sing “Evergreen” — ironic, isn’t it? That’s 560,000 gallons of environmental hellfire fumes spit onto the ozone for an entire 40-date tour. Throw in Streisand’s private plane and Al Gore must be having night sweats.

2) Sell that enormous house, or better yet, tear it down and rid the world of the gluttonous $22,000 a year water bill. That’s enough water to bathe 1,500 radical activists for an entire year—theoretically.

3) Stop spewing verbal bilge into the air. Does telling hecklers to “shut the f*%& up” promote an environment of open dialog and respect for those who may disagree? Politely convincing detractors is the only way to effectively save the planet from global warming. Name-calling might just cost us our lives.

4) For God’s sake, get SpellCheck. Streisand once wrote a letter to Dick “Gebhart,” and not long ago posted to her website a note that had so many misspellings that it looked as if she typed it with her nose because her hands were busy counting money. How would Streisand getting SpellCheck help stop global warming? Every time Babs picks on the stupidity of President Bush via a misspelled letter, the Internet fires up and starts buzzing. That’s lots of bandwidth and ISP space used which translates to who-knows-how-many-thousands kilowatt-hours of energy.

5) Stop suing environmentalists for your own selfish reasons. Three years ago, Streisand was wiggy about a photograph of her home taken by “The California Coastline Project” whose goal was to photograph the entire California coastline so we can someday remember what it looked like before Barbra heeded item #2 and/or California slid into the ocean. It’s clear by this picture why she might not want it made public, given her constant preaching on saving energy. How can activists combat global warming with this kind of counterproductive in-fighting? This is like Alec Baldwin suing the manufacturers of Thorazine.

6) Quit making movies. How much fuel does the movie-going public burn each year to get to the theater? Well, let’s see… about 1.5 billion people per year go to the movies. That’s… I don’t even want to do the math on that one. Suffice to say, if the polar ice caps melt, it’ll be more the fault of the addictive celluloid peddled by Barbra Streisand, Sean Penn, Steven Spielberg, Rob Reiner, and Martin Sheen than the leaf blower of Joe Sixpack and Mrs. Sixpack’s aerosol hairspray.

I hope these little tips can help Barbra to help us save the planet from global warming.

Barbra Streisand, onstage above, desperately searches for the dimmer switch

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Special note: Today is the “Glennate” elections. What is the “Glennate”? As Glenn Beck’s website explains, “the Glennate is a group of listeners/viewers that will serve as a Senate for the show(s) (both tv and radio) and consists of two parties, the Enlightenment Party and the Entertainment Party.”

Of the dozens of candidates, I only know one personally, and I highly recommend her. Resa Kirkland is a columnist and military historian billed as the “hippie kickin’ femmie slappin’ warchick.” If you’re from California, Washington, Oregon, Alaska or Hawaii (or would like to be an honorary citizen for a day) click here to cast your vote for Resa — then just pick the state and go from there. She’s in “region 9″ in running in the “Enlightenment Party.” Start working on your acceptance speech, Resa!

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