Monthly Archives: November 2006

Press Release: Lindsay Lohan Inspires "Help Celebrities Write Gooder" Fund

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

Hollywood, California

A group of concerned citizens and educational professionals are pleased to announce for formation of the “’Help Celebrities Write Gooder’ Fund.” This new charity will seek to raise awareness and funds for the treatment of the growing tragedy of Hollywood’s extemporaneously challenged, specifically as it concerns the poorly written word.

The UNCF slogan has told us for decades that “A mind is a terrible thing to waste,” but sometimes a wasted mind can be awfully funny. Still, our entertainment is secondary to the humanitarian cause of educating many of our nation’s celebrities.

Sure, when celebrities are out in public or on television, they have a tendency to demonstrate neurons that misfire like the spark plugs on a poorly maintained ‘73 Buick Skylark. Natural or unnatural forces can cause this. We need look no further than Danny DeVito’s blootered appearance on The View for proof.

Another example of brainwaves stumbling like Mayberry’s Otis trying to negotiate his way up a spiral staircase occurred when actress Tara Reid said, “I make Jessica Simpson look like a rock scientist.”

These are all verbal funnies, however. The Hollywood glitterati are much more hilarious in writing, as they’re in a job where everything is written for them. All to often, when celebrities themselves get behind the literary wheel, the results can be the written word equivalent of a Billy Joel Sunday drive. As a caring society, we should be more concerned about helping celebrities write gooder and assisting them in correcting their careening out-of-control illiteracy rate.

Actress Lindsay Lohan is only the most recent example of this. When director Robert Altman died last week, Lohan lost a friend and the director of one of her recent films.

Lohan was so distraught that she apparently sniffed some glue and wrote Altman’s family a letter. Give it a read. The letter closes with an inspirational, “Be adequite.” It wasn’t the “be slitely abuv sub-parr” motivational speech I needed this morning, but it was close.

Additionally, if you’re one who looks for signs of failure in the public school system, be advised that Lohan was a straight-A student in high school.

Sure, there is the slight possibility that this is an attempt at an Academy Award by Lohan. Last year Lindsay spoke of Charleze Theron, Halle Berry and Nicole Kidman, saying this: “With movies now, it’s very easy for a girl to dumb herself down or look ugly or be naked or be a lesbian or gain weight – those are the ones that win Oscars.”

The chance that this dumbing down is intentional is slight, however.

The torch has been passed to a new generation

Not long ago, Barbra Streisand wrote something even un-gooder than Lohan, and accused President Bush of being dumb via a letter loaded with spelling errors. Before that, Barbra wrote a moving letter to Congressman Dick Gebhart.

This celebrity stupitude can’t continue, because if it does, everybody will be too busy laughing to lead productive lives and America will be a vast wasteland of idiotic celebrities — even worse than it is now.

Please help in any way you can by sending a copy of Spell Check to the “Help Celebrities Write Gooder Fund,” C/O Hollywood, California, PO Box 90210.

Remember, only you can help celebrities write gooder.

———-

Note: If you’re seeing only this post, the entire blog can be accessed at DougPowers.com

Press Release: Lindsay Lohan Inspires “Help Celebrities Write Gooder” Fund

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

Hollywood, California

A group of concerned citizens and educational professionals are pleased to announce for formation of the “’Help Celebrities Write Gooder’ Fund.” This new charity will seek to raise awareness and funds for the treatment of the growing tragedy of Hollywood’s extemporaneously challenged, specifically as it concerns the poorly written word.

The UNCF slogan has told us for decades that “A mind is a terrible thing to waste,” but sometimes a wasted mind can be awfully funny. Still, our entertainment is secondary to the humanitarian cause of educating many of our nation’s celebrities.

Sure, when celebrities are out in public or on television, they have a tendency to demonstrate neurons that misfire like the spark plugs on a poorly maintained ‘73 Buick Skylark. Natural or unnatural forces can cause this. We need look no further than Danny DeVito’s blootered appearance on The View for proof.

Another example of brainwaves stumbling like Mayberry’s Otis trying to negotiate his way up a spiral staircase occurred when actress Tara Reid said, “I make Jessica Simpson look like a rock scientist.”

These are all verbal funnies, however. The Hollywood glitterati are much more hilarious in writing, as they’re in a job where everything is written for them. All to often, when celebrities themselves get behind the literary wheel, the results can be the written word equivalent of a Billy Joel Sunday drive. As a caring society, we should be more concerned about helping celebrities write gooder and assisting them in correcting their careening out-of-control illiteracy rate.

Actress Lindsay Lohan is only the most recent example of this. When director Robert Altman died last week, Lohan lost a friend and the director of one of her recent films.

Lohan was so distraught that she apparently sniffed some glue and wrote Altman’s family a letter. Give it a read. The letter closes with an inspirational, “Be adequite.” It wasn’t the “be slitely abuv sub-parr” motivational speech I needed this morning, but it was close.

Additionally, if you’re one who looks for signs of failure in the public school system, be advised that Lohan was a straight-A student in high school.

Sure, there is the slight possibility that this is an attempt at an Academy Award by Lohan. Last year Lindsay spoke of Charleze Theron, Halle Berry and Nicole Kidman, saying this: “With movies now, it’s very easy for a girl to dumb herself down or look ugly or be naked or be a lesbian or gain weight – those are the ones that win Oscars.”

The chance that this dumbing down is intentional is slight, however.

The torch has been passed to a new generation

Not long ago, Barbra Streisand wrote something even un-gooder than Lohan, and accused President Bush of being dumb via a letter loaded with spelling errors. Before that, Barbra wrote a moving letter to Congressman Dick Gebhart.

This celebrity stupitude can’t continue, because if it does, everybody will be too busy laughing to lead productive lives and America will be a vast wasteland of idiotic celebrities — even worse than it is now.

Please help in any way you can by sending a copy of Spell Check to the “Help Celebrities Write Gooder Fund,” C/O Hollywood, California, PO Box 90210.

Remember, only you can help celebrities write gooder.

———-

Note: If you’re seeing only this post, the entire blog can be accessed at DougPowers.com

Supreme Court Introduces NY Times to the Rest of America

You have to love the smell of napalm in the morning, especially when it’s all over the New York Times.

For decades, the traditional media, and none more than the New York Times, has considered itself above the law, in a sense. Who do they think they are? Congress? Not anymore.

Anybody who thinks that their job is just as important as a reporter’s and that privacy rights should, if not constitutional, at least have what’s left of them equally distributed, has to love this ruling:

The U.S. Supreme Court has refused to stop a federal prosecutor from reviewing the telephone records of two reporters for The New York Times. The records, the newspaper said, include information about many of the reporters’ confidential sources.

In a one-sentence order Monday offering no reasoning and noting no dissenting votes, the court rejected a request from The Times to stay a lower court’s decision while the paper tried to persuade the justices to review the case.

The Old Gray Lady has had her walker yanked away, and is now hitting the floor in agony and spilling her Citrucel all over the place.

Not that I’m a fan of court rulings. As a matter of fact, we’re court-ing ourselves out of all our freedoms, slowly and surely. When will I take the side of the Times on issues like this? The same day that the phone records of those of us in every other career in this country can’t be subpoenaed.

When did “reporter” get to be an untouchable job? Those days could be over.

The newspaper industry, namely the large ones, are usually self-promoted as being “above the fray.” They consider themselves to be not in an ordinary business, but as participants in a time-honored American institution, one that is beyond reproach in truth and integrity. They hold in their pen the power to expose fraud, deceit, racism, plagiarism, upheaval and illicit behavior – sometimes all in the same media building or senate office.

Despite all the pleas from the Times about the importance of maintaining the sanctity of their sources, the pessimist in me thinks that this protest is really about something else. What is that? Well, when you read that “an anonymous source told this reporter that…” what that often says to me is this: I coulda made this crap up for all you know.

I’ll bet there are more reporters who are fearing this particular Supreme Court ruling because it risks exposing them as frauds than there are who are genuinely concerned about the sanctity and confidentiality of their sources.

Either way, the Old Gray Lady needs a hip replacement — again.

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Note: If you’re seeing only this post, the entire blog can be accessed at DougPowers.com

Bill Clinton Talks To Kami About AIDS, What She's Doing Later

No, no, Kami isn’t a stripper Bill met while on vacation — it’s a character on Sesame Street.

From Reuters:

Former U.S. President Clinton meets Kami, the HIV-positive Muppet to send message about AIDS.

Clinton has joined Kami, an HIV-positive character from children’s programme Sesame Street, to send a message of tolerance ahead of World AIDS Day on December 1.

Here’s the video.

I haven’t seen Bubba hug a Muppet since George Stephanopoulos’ last day of working for the Clinton administration. Check out the clumsy and failed grab for the breast toward the end.

“Um, only the puppeteer’s hand should be there, Mr. President…”

Bill Clinton Talks To Kami About AIDS, What She’s Doing Later

No, no, Kami isn’t a stripper Bill met while on vacation — it’s a character on Sesame Street.

From Reuters:

Former U.S. President Clinton meets Kami, the HIV-positive Muppet to send message about AIDS.

Clinton has joined Kami, an HIV-positive character from children’s programme Sesame Street, to send a message of tolerance ahead of World AIDS Day on December 1.

Here’s the video.

I haven’t seen Bubba hug a Muppet since George Stephanopoulos’ last day of working for the Clinton administration. Check out the clumsy and failed grab for the breast toward the end.

“Um, only the puppeteer’s hand should be there, Mr. President…”

Jesus: The Movie

A new movie called “The Navitity Story” has made its premiere at the Vatican. The Pope was not in attendance, nor was 16 year old actress Keisha Castle-Hughes, who plays Mary.

Hughes didn’t make it to the premiere because apparently she’s a heck of a method-actor – she’s pregnant. Producers thought a 16 year old unwed pregnant actress at the premiere of a biblical film might be way too Hollywood for the Vatican.

The director of The Nativity Story, Catherine Hardwicke, didn’t want the movie to be too controversial:

Hardwicke praised The Passion, but said she tried to do a more uniting film than Gibson’s highly controversial blockbuster about the last hours of Jesus Christ.

“There were some things he did that maybe were a little controversial. We wanted our film to be uniting and make the public see the similarities between religious instead of the differences,” she said.

This is the problem with most biblical movies. If you’re in to avoiding controversy, the last place you should look is the Bible. This is where Hollywood usually tries to spruce things up to remove controversy and add material to intice a modern audience.

I’ve often thought about how the typical Hollywood movie about the Bible comes about, and I imagine the conversation often goes like this:

*****

A producer’s phone rings and a speakerphone button is pushed.

“Mr. Hollywood here. Talk to me!”

“Hi, Mr. Hollywood. It’s Joe Screenwriter. We’ve finally started production on the ‘Jesus’ film, and I thought you’d want to hear the finished script Rubenstein and I came up with.”

“Sure. Who do we have playing Jesus, anyway?” Mr. Hollywood asks.

Papers flip, then Screenwriter says, “Vince Vaughn’s doing it.”

“Dennehy,” Mr. Hollywood wonders aloud. “What happened to the Brian Dennehy deal?”

“Well, everything was fine until Mr. Dennehy put on the sackcloth robe for run-throughs. I don’t know much, but I do know that Jesus shouldn’t have plumber’s crack.”

There is a long pause as Mr. Hollywood thinks. Joe Screenwriter can hear a pencil tapping on a pad of paper. “OK, Vaughn’s fine. Why don’t you let me hear the outline of the script you’re working from.”

Screenwriter picks up his rough draft for “Jesus: The Movie,” flips in a few pages and begins the outline.

“In the first scene, Jesus is born, but He’s not the person everyone thinks. He’s actually the son of Hebrew slaves. His mother, Jochebed, played by Shelley Long, is …”

“Wait,” Mr. Hollywood interjects. “Are you getting your stories mixed up? Wasn’t the mother of Jesus named Mary?”

“No, I think that was Job’s mother.”

“Oh.”

“Anyway,” Screenwriter continues, “after Shelley gives birth to Jesus, she puts the kid in a basket and sends Him down the river.” Screenwriter flips a page. “At this point we’re having a little subplot involving a love affair between two characters named Matthew and Sheena. Matthew is a stone carver and Sheena is his lover who, while Matthew’s away carving stones, decides to explore her own homoerotic fantasies with her neighbor. Ann Heche is playing the part of the neighbor.”

“I hear Heche is a complete nut job,” Mr. Hollywood points out, “Can we work with her?”

“I’ll put it this way,” Says Screenwriter, “We could have spent $4 million to get Heather Graham, but Heche would take the part as long as we agreed to give her $50 in euro coins, a gumball machine and have a priest from the Raelian cult grant her eternal youth.”

“I’ll take a bargain over stability any day,” points out Mr. Hollywood, as he sits back in his chair, takes a puff on a cigar and throws a dart at a poster of Mel Gibson. “Go on, Screenwriter.”

“To make a long story short, the polar ice caps melt due to global warming, which was induced by severe ozone depletion caused by Bethlehem’s Republican mayor having months earlier lifted the town’s long-time ban on leaf burning. The melting ice caps flood the planet, and this prompts a guy named Jack to build an ark.”

“Jack’s Ark?” Mr. Hollywood questions sarcastically.

“The name ‘Noah’ tested horribly in focus group,” Screenwriter quickly explains.

“Gotcha,” Mr. Hollywood shoots back.

“So,” Screenwriter continues, “the boat gets built, and Jack, the two lesbians and a bunch of animals float around for a while, get their shirts wet a lot, and make shallow and mindless social commentary in a cheap attempt to forward a liberal Hollywood political agenda.”

“When does Jesus come back into play here?” asks Mr. Hollywood.

“Down the line a bit, when the people on the Ark discover Him still floating in the basket and pull Him on board. Also, in sticking to the literal interpretations of the Bible, we’ve got Jesus feeding five loafers with two fishes, inheriting the earth for a week and stuff like that.”

“I love it!” opines Mr. Hollywood. “It’s absolutely brilliant! Okay, hit me with the ending.”

Screenwriter flips to the final page. “Get this, boss — Jesus is sentenced to death by Pontius Pilate and led to a cross to be crucified. The last scene will be of Jesus being resurrected three days after His death and ascending to heaven to act as Savior for all mankind.”

“Screenwriter,” interrupts Mr. Hollywood, “we need to stick to the facts, alright? This is the Bible, a book that is hundreds of years old, this is no time for artistic license. Rework the ending and have it back to me by 8 a.m., and put in a dance number. Need I remind you of a little lucrative thing we did called Moulin Rouge?”
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Note: If you’re seeing only this post, the entire blog can be accessed at DougPowers.com

Harmonicas Help Canadian Soldiers Kick the Elwood Blues

A company in Canada is sending one harmonica to each Canadian soldier stationed in Afghanistan — 2,600 in all.

The store, called Music Stop, is trying to help alleviate the depression of being so far away from home during the holidays. Couple that with the Pamela Anderson’s breakup, and the Canuck Army is in an emotional funk due to being so far away at a time when two of Canada’s most famous natives is now single. That’s where the harmonicas come in. The misery of listening to hundreds of people trying to play a harmonica will make the other depressing and miserable stuff in Afghanistan pale in comparison.

On the downside, I’m told that the Taliban are now listening to John Mayall albums as a terrorist training tool for tracking Canadian troop movements.

Whoopi Goldberg Writes Children's Book on Manners, How To Respect Their F*#%*@#g Parents

Now we can sit back and await Ted Kennedy’s book, “Life on the wagon,” and Michael Vick’s sports tome, “How to win over the fans.”

Whoopi Goldberg, described as a comedienne by many, even though she’s often about as funny as a cattle prod enema while in the throes of malaria, has a children’s book coming out which is all about manners:

Whoopi? Manners? One question comes to mind: Why should people spend money on a book with no pages?

I sure hope she teaches the kids to use proper decorum when they encourage their liberal white actor boyfriends to put on black face and do racial schtick as a “joke.” Michael Richards is in ruins and Ted Danson still makes millions despite the insulting gig that Whoopi wrote for him that would have made even Al Jolson tell them to cool it. Go figure.

Perhaps Whoopi’s book will teach kids the etiquette involved while marching in a pro-abortion rally carrying a coat hanger. The coat hanger, Goldberg said at the time, represented what life was like “before choice.” The politeness and respect displayed by killing a baby with a scalpel or glorified vacuum cleaner instead of an old wire coat hanger is just one of the many manners kids will learn about in Whoopi’s book.

Whoopi should also include the script from her one-woman show on Broadway, which contains a skit about an ex-heroin addict who decides to go back on the drug for as long as George W. Bush is president. Kids, be sure that when you ask your dealer for heroin, you say “please” and “thank you.”

If Goldberg’s book is truly concerned with imparting manners to our children, it’ll also teach kids how to make cheap and worn out genitalia jokes. It seems like only yesterday that Whoopi was at a fundraiser for John Kerry and performed some vulgar, but most importantly and true to form, unfunny, riffs on the name “Bush.”

The latter event prompted SlimFast to fire her as their spokesperson, which was too bad, because their pairing with Whoopi took “truth in advertising” to new heights:

———-

Note: If you’re seeing only this post, the entire blog can be accessed at DougPowers.com

Whoopi Goldberg Writes Children’s Book on Manners, How To Respect Their F*#%*@#g Parents

Now we can sit back and await Ted Kennedy’s book, “Life on the wagon,” and Michael Vick’s sports tome, “How to win over the fans.”

Whoopi Goldberg, described as a comedienne by many, even though she’s often about as funny as a cattle prod enema while in the throes of malaria, has a children’s book coming out which is all about manners:

Whoopi? Manners? One question comes to mind: Why should people spend money on a book with no pages?

I sure hope she teaches the kids to use proper decorum when they encourage their liberal white actor boyfriends to put on black face and do racial schtick as a “joke.” Michael Richards is in ruins and Ted Danson still makes millions despite the insulting gig that Whoopi wrote for him that would have made even Al Jolson tell them to cool it. Go figure.

Perhaps Whoopi’s book will teach kids the etiquette involved while marching in a pro-abortion rally carrying a coat hanger. The coat hanger, Goldberg said at the time, represented what life was like “before choice.” The politeness and respect displayed by killing a baby with a scalpel or glorified vacuum cleaner instead of an old wire coat hanger is just one of the many manners kids will learn about in Whoopi’s book.

Whoopi should also include the script from her one-woman show on Broadway, which contains a skit about an ex-heroin addict who decides to go back on the drug for as long as George W. Bush is president. Kids, be sure that when you ask your dealer for heroin, you say “please” and “thank you.”

If Goldberg’s book is truly concerned with imparting manners to our children, it’ll also teach kids how to make cheap and worn out genitalia jokes. It seems like only yesterday that Whoopi was at a fundraiser for John Kerry and performed some vulgar, but most importantly and true to form, unfunny, riffs on the name “Bush.”

The latter event prompted SlimFast to fire her as their spokesperson, which was too bad, because their pairing with Whoopi took “truth in advertising” to new heights:

———-

Note: If you’re seeing only this post, the entire blog can be accessed at DougPowers.com