We all know what happened during the 2000 election. Voting problems for the stylus-challenged combined with recounts, and dingbats who unwittingly allowed themselves to be drafted into the Buchanan Brigades, put the spotlight on more confused and panicked Floridians than the time during the war when magnetic chip rationing prompted a statewide ban on Bingo.
In 2004, the Kerry campaign tried to ride this wave of lunacy all the way to Ohio, claiming voting Ã¢â‚¬Å“inconsistencies.Ã¢â‚¬Â What was the inconsistency? John Kerry didnÃ¢â‚¬â„¢t win Ohio. That shouldnÃ¢â‚¬â„¢t matter now, for the Senator is winning the hearts and minds of the troops serving overseÃ¢â‚¬Â¦ what? OhÃ¢â‚¬Â¦ never mindÃ¢â‚¬Â¦
Now we find ourselves in 2006, rapidly approaching another very important election, and the nation can ill afford any more screw-ups or allowances of attempted election hijacks under the guise of Ã¢â‚¬Å“disenfranchisement.Ã¢â‚¬Â
Here are a few tips for voting in 2006:
Ã¢â‚¬â€œIf youÃ¢â‚¬â„¢re like me and live in an area that hasnÃ¢â‚¬â„¢t purchased voting machines since The New Deal, youÃ¢â‚¬â„¢ll likely have to get in the booth and confront all sorts of strange knobs and buttons. Should this occur, do not close the curtain and pretend that youÃ¢â‚¬â„¢re Frank Morgan operating the Wizard. Fantasizing can wait, but those of us in line behind you canÃ¢â‚¬â„¢t.
Ã¢â‚¬â€œIf you get picked up in front of a convenience store by a bus or van filled with more zeros than the deck of an aircraft carrier in YamamotoÃ¢â‚¬â„¢s fleet, reconsider your trip. Especially if itÃ¢â‚¬â„¢s being driven by a poli-shill who asks you to sell out one of your greatest rights and privileges as an American in return for a pint of Yukon Jack.
Ã¢â‚¬â€œClaiming you Ã¢â‚¬Å“accidentallyÃ¢â‚¬Â voted for anybody provides nothing to the country other than a reason why MTVÃ¢â‚¬â„¢s Ã¢â‚¬Å“The Real WorldÃ¢â‚¬Â is still on. The slip-ups are endless.Ã‚Â Heck, Ann Coulter might have voted in the wrong south Florida district. Even conservatives are catching the stupid!
Ã¢â‚¬â€œIf youÃ¢â‚¬â„¢re only voting because Moby, Jennifer Aniston, the bald Tinkertoy from REM, Woody Harrelson, Dave Matthews or Flea from The Red Hot Chili Peppers told you to vote, youÃ¢â‚¬â„¢re disenfranchising the rest of the country.
Ã¢â‚¬â€œNeed relief from the stress? On Election Day, wear a pro-Republican t-shirt with six or seven Ã¢â‚¬Å“I votedÃ¢â‚¬Â stickers on it and mill around the nearest Democrat office. This oneÃ¢â‚¬â„¢s always good for a laugh.
Ã¢â‚¬â€œWith the punch-card voting system, the hole you punch is, generally, somewhere in the same room of the name of the candidate you wish to vote for, often even right next to it.
Ã¢â‚¬â€œHereÃ¢â‚¬â„¢s a painful tip for left of center activist organizations that should help alleviate some of the confusion as to how they can register voters by the bushel and yet still not regain congressional control: Getting people registered to vote, and assuming they will vote, is as far apart as showing people how to fill out an astronaut application form and expecting them to be on the next Space Shuttle. Just because somebody registered to vote because they were drunk at a Pearl Jam concert is meaningless. Besides, Republicans go to Pearl Jam concerts too. Shh, donÃ¢â‚¬â„¢t tell.
Ã¢â‚¬â€œIf youÃ¢â‚¬â„¢re under 40 Ã¢â‚¬â€œ and this is going to be your first time voting Ã¢â‚¬â€œ itÃ¢â‚¬â„¢s nice that you decided to recognize and appreciate the freedoms provided us by the Constitution. If youÃ¢â‚¬â„¢re over 40 and this is going to be your first time voting Ã¢â‚¬â€œ donÃ¢â‚¬â„¢t.
Ã¢â‚¬â€œHow can you tell if youÃ¢â‚¬â„¢ve ever been disenfranchised? HereÃ¢â‚¬â„¢s a simple test to take. Ask yourself if youÃ¢â‚¬â„¢re voting Democrat this year, or plan to vote at all. If the answer is Ã¢â‚¬Å“noÃ¢â‚¬Â to either, then youÃ¢â‚¬â„¢re disenfranchised. Contact Jesse Jackson immediately so your rights are protected. Keep hope alive!
Ã¢â‚¬â€œPlease think twice before voting for the Socialist, Greens, Communist, Workers, Natural Law, Jedi or any other political party which holds their national convention in the back dining room of a DennyÃ¢â‚¬â„¢s. ItÃ¢â‚¬â„¢s not that I care so much if theyÃ¢â‚¬â„¢re misguided Ã¢â‚¬Å“common goodÃ¢â‚¬Â malcontents, commies, tree huggers, Ayn Rand worshippers or those geeks who quote Yoda all the time in an attempt to keep their minds off the fact that theyÃ¢â‚¬â„¢re not dating. The thought that those candidates have no chance of winning is secondary to the fact that theyÃ¢â‚¬â„¢re taking up space in line for nothing! How would these guys like it if a couple of us got in front of them in line at Hummus Hut, chit-chatted with the cashier for a while, then left without buying anything?
Ã¢â‚¬â€œLast, but perhaps most importantly, itÃ¢â‚¬â„¢s vital that there be no major stupidity this time. If a few of us are perpetually unable to negotiate a ballot, government agencies will continue to try and simplify the process, which will then make the rest of us unable to understand it. If you see something you canÃ¢â‚¬â„¢t figure out, tap one of the volunteers on the shawl and ask for help. If you still donÃ¢â‚¬â„¢t get it, leave immediately. Do it for your country. Good luck, America!
After the 2000 debacle in Florida,Ã‚Â Boward County officialsÃ‚Â properly prepared residentsÃ‚Â for theÃ‚Â next election
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