Researchers at two Oregon universities have been conducting studies on how to turn “gay” sheep straight. First of all, I want to know what that job title looks like on a W-2, and will pay handsomely to find out.

I’m totally against this. For starters, I’m only guessing that there’s nothing funnier than a gay sheep, but I’m not alone in my outrage, either, because former tennis champ Martina Navratilova is joining PETA in condemning the research. They say that it is inhumane and also a waste of tax dollars. They’re certainly right about the latter. I only wish it took something a little less obscure than gay sheep to get liberals interested in wasted tax dollars.

The gay communities are worried that this is the tip of the iceberg in attempts to “cure” homosexuality in humans. I’m sure this will never happen. What is produced from sheep? Wool. What do we use wool for? Clothing. Who designs clothing? Homosexual men. It’s only fair that the industry be allowed to remain gay from farm to mall. It won’t be “virgin wool,” but nothing’s perfect.

The researchers say they’re simply working to save sheep producers and others money, as around 8% of the breeding rams sold end up wanting to be extras on the set of Brokeback Mountain II, rendering them useless to the marketplace.

I’ll never again be able to put on a wool shirt without wondering.

Gay sheep, depicted above in a stuffed bear dramatization, should be left alone, according to Navratilova and PETA


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