At long last, a peace movement that we can all get our hands around. I’d been wondering lately where the peace movement was headed. For years and years, there seemed to be no heir to the bed-in throne of John and Yoko — until now.

As you may have heard, a California couple have called for the population of the world (that has either a willing significant other, functioning hands or a modified electric toothbrush) to have simultaneous orgasms on December 22nd.

Here are the basics of the plan, the “spank plank” if you will, from

The intent is that the participants concentrate any thoughts during and after orgasm on peace. The combination of high- energy orgasmic energy combined with mindful intention may have a much greater effect than previous mass meditations and prayers.

The goal is to add so much concentrated and high-energy positive input into the energy field of the Earth that it will reduce the current dangerous levels of aggression and violence throughout the world.

The organizers are Donna Sheehan, 76, and Paul Reffell, 55. You may remember Donna Sheehan (no relation to Cindy), because about three years ago she and some friends protested the looming war in Iraq by stripping naked, laying down, and spelling out the word “peace.” This, obviously, didn’t stop the war, but it did confirm one thing most definitively: Newton’s Law of Gravity.

So, recognizing the age of interaction, Sheehan and Reffell are calling for us to have orgasms at the same time – and this will help end war, at least temporarily. I have no doubt that this would do the trick, provided there’s across-the-board participation. My problem is this: Who won’t be participating while the rest of us are sitting in front of a box of Puffs Plus watching a grainy VHS copy of Two Moon Junction?

But this is the entire problem with the peace movement. Their ideas always require the participation of everyone or they don’t work. Hell, there are no doubt teenagers in the U.S. who would love to participate, but are so lazy that they’ve decided instead to wait for XBox to release “Global Orgasm for Peace: The Game.”

Consider Yoko Ono, wife of the late John Lennon and “singer” whose shriek happens to be the mating call of the Tinnitus Warbler, and her lifelong efforts for peace.

John Lennon released the pacifist anthems “Imagine” and “Give Peace A Chance,” John and Yoko had ”bed ins” (for which bags were worn on heads — ours) and Ono’s staged a ”cut piece,” and through it all we saw a continuation of hostilities in Vietnam, the tragedy at the Olympic games in Munich, the hostage crisis in Iran, embassy bombings, hijackings, continuous violence in the Middle East and constant terrorist attacks around the world. Why didn’t it work? The answer is simple: Terrorists, criminals, warmongers and despots clearly don’t listen to FM radio, read back issues of “Rolling Stone” and attend Paris theater nearly enough.

It’s the same problem with the Global Orgasm for Peace. It won’t be global, so the odds that we’ll be killed by maniacs go up, and worse yet, the chances that it’ll happen while we’re in the john with out pants around our ankles while clutching the Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue doesn’t add to the dignity of the passing.

In addition, as columnist Greg Strange observed, such a massive, lascivious act might actually further infuriate those who already hate us. Greg’s right. What’s worse than a Western infidel? You guessed it. A Western infidel who’s spanking the monkey.

But the ultimate nail in the coffin for the “Global Orgasm for Peace” movement may not be lack of participation. Heck, there are no doubt pockets of people all around the globe who are, at this very moment, furiously practicing striving for peace, and even paying $50 for it. No, the death of the ”Global Orgasm for Peace” will be more religious in nature.

What happens very often when people have orgasms? With the exception of Michael Newdow, who yells out his own name, many people call out to, who? You guessed it: God.

This could be the downfall of the “Global Orgasm for Peace.” Millions of people suddenly calling out to God is bound to put some leftist undies in a non-secular twist.

Peace activists should also take caution in automatically assigning a label of harmonic tranquility to the orgasm. All through history, rapes have been committed, genocide inflicted, and torture performed, just because the despotic protagonist du jour got off on it. Sheehan and Reffell’s definition of what constitutes orgasmic behaviour could vary greatly from somebody else’s. Po-tay-toe, po-tah-toe, to-may-toe, bloodbath.

That said, it’s good to see some fresh ideas and a more hands-on approach coming from the field of peace activism. There will still be wars and people trying to kill us, but for a couple of minutes, we won’t care. I pledge my full support. It’s time to give peace a chance.


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