Now we can sit back and await Ted Kennedy’s book, “Life on the wagon,” and Michael Vick’s sports tome, “How to win over the fans.”

Whoopi Goldberg, described as a comedienne by many, even though she’s often about as funny as a cattle prod enema while in the throes of malaria, has a children’s book coming out which is all about manners:

Whoopi? Manners? One question comes to mind: Why should people spend money on a book with no pages?

I sure hope she teaches the kids to use proper decorum when they encourage their liberal white actor boyfriends to put on black face and do racial schtick as a “joke.” Michael Richards is in ruins and Ted Danson still makes millions despite the insulting gig that Whoopi wrote for him that would have made even Al Jolson tell them to cool it. Go figure.

Perhaps Whoopi’s book will teach kids the etiquette involved while marching in a pro-abortion rally carrying a coat hanger. The coat hanger, Goldberg said at the time, represented what life was like “before choice.” The politeness and respect displayed by killing a baby with a scalpel or glorified vacuum cleaner instead of an old wire coat hanger is just one of the many manners kids will learn about in Whoopi’s book.

Whoopi should also include the script from her one-woman show on Broadway, which contains a skit about an ex-heroin addict who decides to go back on the drug for as long as George W. Bush is president. Kids, be sure that when you ask your dealer for heroin, you say “please” and “thank you.”

If Goldberg’s book is truly concerned with imparting manners to our children, it’ll also teach kids how to make cheap and worn out genitalia jokes. It seems like only yesterday that Whoopi was at a fundraiser for John Kerry and performed some vulgar, but most importantly and true to form, unfunny, riffs on the name “Bush.”

The latter event prompted SlimFast to fire her as their spokesperson, which was too bad, because their pairing with Whoopi took “truth in advertising” to new heights:

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