Press Release: Lindsay Lohan Inspires “Help Celebrities Write Gooder” Fund


Hollywood, California

A group of concerned citizens and educational professionals are pleased to announce for formation of the “’Help Celebrities Write Gooder’ Fund.” This new charity will seek to raise awareness and funds for the treatment of the growing tragedy of Hollywood’s extemporaneously challenged, specifically as it concerns the poorly written word.

The UNCF slogan has told us for decades that “A mind is a terrible thing to waste,” but sometimes a wasted mind can be awfully funny. Still, our entertainment is secondary to the humanitarian cause of educating many of our nation’s celebrities.

Sure, when celebrities are out in public or on television, they have a tendency to demonstrate neurons that misfire like the spark plugs on a poorly maintained ‘73 Buick Skylark. Natural or unnatural forces can cause this. We need look no further than Danny DeVito’s blootered appearance on The View for proof.

Another example of brainwaves stumbling like Mayberry’s Otis trying to negotiate his way up a spiral staircase occurred when actress Tara Reid said, “I make Jessica Simpson look like a rock scientist.”

These are all verbal funnies, however. The Hollywood glitterati are much more hilarious in writing, as they’re in a job where everything is written for them. All to often, when celebrities themselves get behind the literary wheel, the results can be the written word equivalent of a Billy Joel Sunday drive. As a caring society, we should be more concerned about helping celebrities write gooder and assisting them in correcting their careening out-of-control illiteracy rate.

Actress Lindsay Lohan is only the most recent example of this. When director Robert Altman died last week, Lohan lost a friend and the director of one of her recent films.

Lohan was so distraught that she apparently sniffed some glue and wrote Altman’s family a letter. Give it a read. The letter closes with an inspirational, “Be adequite.” It wasn’t the “be slitely abuv sub-parr” motivational speech I needed this morning, but it was close.

Additionally, if you’re one who looks for signs of failure in the public school system, be advised that Lohan was a straight-A student in high school.

Sure, there is the slight possibility that this is an attempt at an Academy Award by Lohan. Last year Lindsay spoke of Charleze Theron, Halle Berry and Nicole Kidman, saying this: “With movies now, it’s very easy for a girl to dumb herself down or look ugly or be naked or be a lesbian or gain weight – those are the ones that win Oscars.”

The chance that this dumbing down is intentional is slight, however.

The torch has been passed to a new generation

Not long ago, Barbra Streisand wrote something even un-gooder than Lohan, and accused President Bush of being dumb via a letter loaded with spelling errors. Before that, Barbra wrote a moving letter to Congressman Dick Gebhart.

This celebrity stupitude can’t continue, because if it does, everybody will be too busy laughing to lead productive lives and America will be a vast wasteland of idiotic celebrities — even worse than it is now.

Please help in any way you can by sending a copy of Spell Check to the “Help Celebrities Write Gooder Fund,” C/O Hollywood, California, PO Box 90210.

Remember, only you can help celebrities write gooder.


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Author: Doug Powers

Doug Powers is a writer, editor and commentator covering news of the day from a conservative viewpoint with an occasional shot of irreverence and a chaser of snark. Townhall Media writer/editor. alum. Bowling novice. Long-suffering Detroit Lions fan. Contact: