"Hey, that reminds me, I haven't smoked yet today…"

Some days the material writes itself:

Nov. 1 (HealthDay News) — Anti-smoking ads on television produced by tobacco companies and aimed at parents may actually be encouraging children to start smoking, a new research paper reports.

Here’s the rest of the story.

That’s what tobacco companies get for trying to placate the government — an entity that often makes dividends partly from investments in tobacco stocks and uses some of the money to buy ads telling us not to smoke — that may well make us want to smoke.

“Hey, that reminds me, I haven’t smoked yet today…”

Some days the material writes itself:

Nov. 1 (HealthDay News) — Anti-smoking ads on television produced by tobacco companies and aimed at parents may actually be encouraging children to start smoking, a new research paper reports.

Here’s the rest of the story.

That’s what tobacco companies get for trying to placate the government — an entity that often makes dividends partly from investments in tobacco stocks and uses some of the money to buy ads telling us not to smoke — that may well make us want to smoke.

Voting Tips for the 2006 Elections

We all know what happened during the 2000 election. Voting problems for the stylus-challenged combined with recounts, and dingbats who unwittingly allowed themselves to be drafted into the Buchanan Brigades, put the spotlight on more confused and panicked Floridians than the time during the war when magnetic chip rationing prompted a statewide ban on Bingo.

In 2004, the Kerry campaign tried to ride this wave of lunacy all the way to Ohio, claiming voting “inconsistencies.” What was the inconsistency? John Kerry didn’t win Ohio. That shouldn’t matter now, for the Senator is winning the hearts and minds of the troops serving overse… what? Oh… never mind…

Now we find ourselves in 2006, rapidly approaching another very important election, and the nation can ill afford any more screw-ups or allowances of attempted election hijacks under the guise of “disenfranchisement.”

Here are a few tips for voting in 2006:

–If you’re like me and live in an area that hasn’t purchased voting machines since The New Deal, you’ll likely have to get in the booth and confront all sorts of strange knobs and buttons. Should this occur, do not close the curtain and pretend that you’re Frank Morgan operating the Wizard. Fantasizing can wait, but those of us in line behind you can’t.

–If you get picked up in front of a convenience store by a bus or van filled with more zeros than the deck of an aircraft carrier in Yamamoto’s fleet, reconsider your trip. Especially if it’s being driven by a poli-shill who asks you to sell out one of your greatest rights and privileges as an American in return for a pint of Yukon Jack.

–Claiming you “accidentally” voted for anybody provides nothing to the country other than a reason why MTV’s “The Real World” is still on. The slip-ups are endless. Heck, Ann Coulter might have voted in the wrong south Florida district. Even conservatives are catching the stupid!

–If you’re only voting because Moby, Jennifer Aniston, the bald Tinkertoy from REM, Woody Harrelson, Dave Matthews or Flea from The Red Hot Chili Peppers told you to vote, you’re disenfranchising the rest of the country.

–Need relief from the stress? On Election Day, wear a pro-Republican t-shirt with six or seven “I voted” stickers on it and mill around the nearest Democrat office. This one’s always good for a laugh.

–With the punch-card voting system, the hole you punch is, generally, somewhere in the same room of the name of the candidate you wish to vote for, often even right next to it.

–Here’s a painful tip for left of center activist organizations that should help alleviate some of the confusion as to how they can register voters by the bushel and yet still not regain congressional control: Getting people registered to vote, and assuming they will vote, is as far apart as showing people how to fill out an astronaut application form and expecting them to be on the next Space Shuttle. Just because somebody registered to vote because they were drunk at a Pearl Jam concert is meaningless. Besides, Republicans go to Pearl Jam concerts too. Shh, don’t tell.

–If you’re under 40 – and this is going to be your first time voting – it’s nice that you decided to recognize and appreciate the freedoms provided us by the Constitution. If you’re over 40 and this is going to be your first time voting – don’t.

–How can you tell if you’ve ever been disenfranchised? Here’s a simple test to take. Ask yourself if you’re voting Democrat this year, or plan to vote at all. If the answer is “no” to either, then you’re disenfranchised. Contact Jesse Jackson immediately so your rights are protected. Keep hope alive!

–Please think twice before voting for the Socialist, Greens, Communist, Workers, Natural Law, Jedi or any other political party which holds their national convention in the back dining room of a Denny’s. It’s not that I care so much if they’re misguided “common good” malcontents, commies, tree huggers, Ayn Rand worshippers or those geeks who quote Yoda all the time in an attempt to keep their minds off the fact that they’re not dating. The thought that those candidates have no chance of winning is secondary to the fact that they’re taking up space in line for nothing! How would these guys like it if a couple of us got in front of them in line at Hummus Hut, chit-chatted with the cashier for a while, then left without buying anything?

–Last, but perhaps most importantly, it’s vital that there be no major stupidity this time. If a few of us are perpetually unable to negotiate a ballot, government agencies will continue to try and simplify the process, which will then make the rest of us unable to understand it. If you see something you can’t figure out, tap one of the volunteers on the shawl and ask for help. If you still don’t get it, leave immediately. Do it for your country. Good luck, America!

After the 2000 debacle in Florida, Boward County officials properly prepared residents for the next election

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Paul R. Nelson's Attack Ads Make Your Favorite Candidate's Attack Ads Look Like Pussies

Republican Paul R. Nelson is running for the House of Representatives against Democrat incumbant Ron Kind in Wisconsin.

Check out this ad Nelson is running on his website.

Here’s part of the text: “Ron Kind has no trouble spending your money, he’d just rather spend it on sex. That’s right. Instead of spending money on cancer research, Ron Kind voted to spend your money to study the sex lives of Vietnamese prostitutes. Instead of spending money to study heart disease, Ron Kind spent your money to study the masturbation habits of old men … Ron Kind even spent your tax dollars to pay teenage girls to watch pornographic movies with probes connected to their genitalia. Ron Kind pays for sex but not for soldiers.”

If this is true, Ron Kind would make a great university administrator, not to mention have a shot at having his campaign entirely funded by the National Endowment for the Arts.

Congratulations to Paul R. Nelson, winner of this year’s “best attack ad to mention Vietnamese prostitutes, masturbation, transgenders, sex, genitalia and pornographic movies.” This is politics’ answer to “hitting for the cycle” in baseball.

God I love this game!

Paul R. Nelson’s Attack Ads Make Your Favorite Candidate’s Attack Ads Look Like Pussies

Republican Paul R. Nelson is running for the House of Representatives against Democrat incumbant Ron Kind in Wisconsin.

Check out this ad Nelson is running on his website.

Here’s part of the text: “Ron Kind has no trouble spending your money, he’d just rather spend it on sex. That’s right. Instead of spending money on cancer research, Ron Kind voted to spend your money to study the sex lives of Vietnamese prostitutes. Instead of spending money to study heart disease, Ron Kind spent your money to study the masturbation habits of old men … Ron Kind even spent your tax dollars to pay teenage girls to watch pornographic movies with probes connected to their genitalia. Ron Kind pays for sex but not for soldiers.”

If this is true, Ron Kind would make a great university administrator, not to mention have a shot at having his campaign entirely funded by the National Endowment for the Arts.

Congratulations to Paul R. Nelson, winner of this year’s “best attack ad to mention Vietnamese prostitutes, masturbation, transgenders, sex, genitalia and pornographic movies.” This is politics’ answer to “hitting for the cycle” in baseball.

God I love this game!

Catch & Kerry: Clean 'em and fry 'em

I ran across this first one at the CornBeltwayBoys blog concerning John Kerry, and it’s now making the rounds on the ‘net. 

First the troops clean ’em…

And cartoonist Michael Ramirez fries ’em…

__________

Kerry “botched joke/lobotomy” update: John Kerry has released a statement on his website, and guess what? It turns out that we were all too idiotic to properly interpret his comments — not just the troops.

Here’s part of what Kerry wrote:

I sincerely regret that my words were misinterpreted to wrongly imply anything negative about those in uniform, and I personally apologize to any service member, family member, or American who was offended.

Nice touch. “I’m sorry you were too stupid to interpret my words the way I intended, and the way I intended was exactly what I said, except different and with some sort of punchline.”

He once again blamed his “poorly stated joke” for the fact that we were too simple-minded to grasp the proper interpretation. Kerry could end this once and for all by simply posting what the joke was supposed to be, and I’m sure he will — as soon as somebody makes one up for him.

Catch & Kerry: Clean ‘em and fry ‘em

I ran across this first one at the CornBeltwayBoys blog concerning John Kerry, and it’s now making the rounds on the ‘net. 

First the troops clean ’em…

And cartoonist Michael Ramirez fries ’em…

__________

Kerry “botched joke/lobotomy” update: John Kerry has released a statement on his website, and guess what? It turns out that we were all too idiotic to properly interpret his comments — not just the troops.

Here’s part of what Kerry wrote:

I sincerely regret that my words were misinterpreted to wrongly imply anything negative about those in uniform, and I personally apologize to any service member, family member, or American who was offended.

Nice touch. “I’m sorry you were too stupid to interpret my words the way I intended, and the way I intended was exactly what I said, except different and with some sort of punchline.”

He once again blamed his “poorly stated joke” for the fact that we were too simple-minded to grasp the proper interpretation. Kerry could end this once and for all by simply posting what the joke was supposed to be, and I’m sure he will — as soon as somebody makes one up for him.

To John Kerry: Thanks For The October Surprise — Signed, GOP

There are no Freudian slips that are more hilarious than those of liberal elitist gigolos who try to sport a cheap wooden facade of working class America. Their real feelings are like snakes in a hole — eventually they slither out — and somehow even manage to set that facade on fire.

John Kerry is taking plenty of heat for his comment to some college students that they had better study hard or else they might end up “stuck in Iraq.” If these particular students do indeed study hard, they’ll learn that there isn’t a military draft and they can’t be “stuck” doing anything they didn’t sign up for. So Kerry’s advice, if heeded, actually helps expose John Kerry for what he is: a power hungry politician ruling from an ivory tower.

There was no mention of President Bush in that particular portion of Kerry’s speech, and yet Kerry is, of course, claiming that it was obvious he was talking about President Bush and not the military. You be the judge. (Not counting being stuck in an elevator with Barney Frank, YouTube has got to be a politicians worst nightmare, don’t you think?)

Now Kerry is refusing to apologize, as he claims he wasn’t referring to the military, and that it was a botched joke, not unlike his nomination for president.

What was the joke? Who knows. Perhaps it was this: “The doctor told Teresa, ‘you have acute angina’, and Teresa said, ‘hey, thanks!'” But one thing is for certain; something went horribly awry for Kerry.

I don’t think Kerry should apologize for telling the truth as he sees it. A congressional liberal with truth integrity is a rare thing, so let it stand.

When we stop to think about it, why wouldn’t Kerry dislike the military, in spite of the fact he once served? The military as it exists today votes overwhelmingly Republican. Could this be the source of Kerry’s not so well hidden discontent and opinion that people serving overseas are idiots?

Much of the left views the U.S. soldier as having discovered an entirely new level of dim-wittedness — a doofy outlook perhaps deserving of the mockery that often takes place, even from somebody like John Kerry who describes himself ad nauseam as “one of their own.”

Of course, in John Kerry’s eyes, if you’re Republican, you’re also pro-Bush. This is where Kerry really loses it as it concerns the military. To be led into an unjust war by a moron is one thing, but for those same people to vote for that moron, especially over John Kerry, and in droves, makes the military reprehensibly imbecilic in leftist eyes. Given this, we shouldn’t be shocked when the venom finds a way out once in a while.

You know that Kerry’s in big trouble here because his fellow Democrats have scattered like cockroaches when the light comes on. I have yet to see anybody defending Kerry. The guy’s political Kryptonite and he can expect to be kept at a safe distance at the next inside-the-beltway cotillion.

Another unique feature of Senator Kerry is his ability to keep around his old military uniform — not because he’s proud of his service, but rather because he often needs it to hide behind.

A military uniform to John Kerry is like a goalie for criticism. Dare question Kerry’s inane comments, and he’ll immediately remind you (again) that he wore the uniform, thus implying he has far more right than you to speak unchallenged. Veterans and active members of the United States military should and probably do find this disturbing.

It’s a uniform, not a “get out of stupidity free” card. I never served in the military, and yet still have some say in what goes on via a vote. But that’s the entire point, isn’t it? Our soldiers throughout history didn’t fight and die so John Kerry can say whatever he wants — they fought and died so we can all say what’s on our mind, including having the freedom to call John Kerry a duplicitous, elitist demogoging bonehead.

If only current and former service members should have a say and go without criticism in Kerry-land, then maybe they should be the only ones who have a right to vote. What say you, Senator Kerry? Fair warning, however: If this is the case, there will be nary a Democrat to be found in Washington. This is further reason to adore the military, not to mention conclusive evidence that they are, indeed, highly intelligent.

I applaud the service of every member of the military, including that of John Kerry, but for the latter, it’s been all downhill since then. It’s a shame how, for some people, a desperate quest for power can cloud the real meaning of the uniform and all it symbolizes.

The difference between the current and former members of the military that I know, and John Kerry, is that the former served on behalf of all of us — from the most powerful in business and politics down to the weakest, most innocent child. John Kerry served, apparently, for himself, and it continues to this day.

Muhatma Ghandi once said, “the best test of a civilized society is the way it treats its most vulnerable and weakest members” — not how many times they are shown John Kerry’s old uniform and told to shut up because they have no right to speak.

I don’t know what’s going to happen on election day, but I have a feeling there may well be a delivery made next Wednesday to one of Teresa Heinz’s mansions, in which is housed the Massachusetts senator. It might be a large floral arrangement along with a card that reads, “To John Kerry: Thanks for the October surprise — signed, GOP”

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