It’s not every morning you get up and discover that you’ve been named Time Magazine’s “Person of the Year.” 

Here is the reasoning behind this choice.

How exciting. I beat out Kim Jong Il, Pope Benedict XVI, President Bush, Vice President Dick Cheney and former Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld. If it weren’t for me, Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad would have been named “Person of the Year.” He seeks enriched uranium, but I only seek enriched flour. Time’s Editorial Board obviously values this contribution to our nation’s farmers and the health of the children.

I was also a little surprised to find out that I control the information age, which, if you know me and computers, should make you feel like you would if you jumped into a NYC cab at 2 o’clock in the morning and your driver was a giggling Danny DeVito.

This is a heavy responsibility, and I hope I don’t let everybody down.

Here are my plans. As “Person of the Year” I pledge to:

– Inform Jack Kevorkian that a condition of his parole is that he and his van have to set up shop in the parking lot of a Malibu convenience store.

– Keep a close eye on Time Magazine, for anybody thinking that I am worthy of ”Person of the Year” has to be messing up all their other stories as well.

– As I now control the information age, I pledge to finally master the ins and outs of my Commodore-64.

– By spring of ’07, all leftist bumper stickers such as “you can’t hug your kids with nuclear arms” and “practice random acts of kindness and senseless acts of beauty” must be replaced by a sticker sporting a picture of Hillary Clinton and the words, “if abortion is outlawed, only outlaws will be allowed to screw around with my husband”

– Make anybody who votes for a Kennedy have to ride in a car with them.

– Reinforce the rear bumpers of all ambulances so they’re protected if they come to a sudden stop in front of John Edwards‘ pursuing car.

– Hire Judith Regan to put out my book, “Of course O.J. did it, ya bonehead!”

– Get my script for Rocky VII – where the Italian Stallion faces the biggest fight of his life: prostate trouble – into the hands of Sylvester Stallone

– Put an emergency plan into place in the event Nancy Pelosi’s facelift gives way (current status: LiftCon-3) and threatens the eastern seaboard with a violent facial flesh tsunami.

– At some point during the coming year, stop laughing at Dennis Kucinich for thinking he has a chance to win the Democrats nomination for president.

There are many more, but time is short as I must go accept the “Person of the Year” crown. Frankly, I think the talent competition was what put me over the top. I knew those accordion lessons would pay off.


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