Tomorrow morning, the kids will tear through their presents like famished lions picking off the slowest gazelles in the herd, and living room will be strewn with the cardboard and torn-paper carcasses. Shortly thereafter, the department store gift return counters will have lines so long and slow moving that World War II veterans will have flashbacks of the evacuation of Dunkirk.

Perhaps I’ll have a couple of gifts to open, but chances are they won’t be able to capture the essence of what I really want for Christmas.

Here’s my Christmas list for this year:

–I want to be watching the Super Bowl and see and ad featuring Jimmy Carter, Hugo Chavez, Fidel Castro and Hamas.

–I want Hillary Clinton to switch into “presidential candidate mode” and warm her image by changing from “icy scowl” to “arctic glare.”

–I want liberals to take a short break from demanding that nobody smoke, drink, eat meat, drive SUV’s, display Christian symbols, use chemicals on their lawns, hunt, fish, build additions on their homes, shop at Wal-Mart and wear fur – so as to have more time to bash George W. Bush for stomping on privacy rights. Humor is the gift that keeps on giving.

–I want the 2007 Academy Awards to be cancelled in a panic after rumors spread that a nominee is threatening to deliver a pro-Bush speech.

–I want The Rolling Stones’ next album to be titled “Sticky, arthritic fingers.”

–I want a new unit of time measurement to be introduced, known as a “Boxo-second.” This term will be used to describe the length of time it takes Barbara Boxer to put NARAL pamphlets under the windshield wipers of all the cars in the parking lot of a Lamaze class.

–I want environmentalist Hollywood to stop being the second biggest polluter in California.

–I want Democratic National Committee Chairman Howard Dean to leave that job and start a new career, where I believe he can move more pre-owned vehicles in his first month than the other salesmen do all year.

–I want GQ magazine to publish an article that claims there are two reasons men should never wear a toupee, and for those two reasons to be “Burt” and “Reynolds.”

–I want Democrat analyst and consultant James Carville to get his own cable morning show called “Wake up with Carville.” In addition, I want the show to be geared toward the female demographic and utilize this promotion: “At last, ladies, you can wake up with a guy like James Carville without a searing hangover and dramatically lower self-esteem.”

–I want a new set of photos to surface, that are purported to be from Abu-Ghraib, to turn out to be pictures from Barney Frank’s birthday party.

–I want to construct the ultimate in confusion by putting a bunch of U.N. bureaucrats around a four-cornered bureau and telling them to have a round-table discussion.

–I want Bill Clinton to become the next Secretary General of the U.N., and for him to propose a new global monetary system that will use the euro as a model. Each coin will be worth two U.S. dollars and have an engraving of Belinda Stronach’s chest on the back. We can only imagine what “heads” will be.

–I want Al Gore to explain to me how he can know what the temperature will be 100 years from now if the United States doesn’t sign on to the Kyoto Protocol, but why he doesn’t know what overnight low will be in Chattanooga two weeks from Thursday.

–I want the NCAA to order all university football teams to remove any helmet logos that might be offensive to Native Americans and replace them with logos depicting something that the PC crowd seems to feel is more fitting of Indian heritage: Casinos.

–I want California’s Ninth Circuit to rule that any Nativity scene in a public area must depict the Virgin Mary first meeting with representatives from Planned Parenthood, and for the Supreme Court to once again strike them down.

–I want Homeland Security authorities to thwart a terrorist plot to throw Michael Moore in New York City’s water supply.

–I want Harry Belafonte to take a short break from singing and dancing for crowds of mostly white people to once again accuse various conservative black Americans of being “Uncle Toms.”

There are so many more, but I don’t want to be greedy.

Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year everybody!


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