Tomorrow morning, the kids willÃ‚Â tearÃ‚Â through their presents like famished lions picking offÃ‚Â the slowest gazelles in the herd, and living roomÃ‚Â will beÃ‚Â strewn with the cardboard and torn-paper carcasses. Shortly thereafter, the department store gift return counters will have lines so long and slow movingÃ‚Â that World War II veterans will haveÃ‚Â flashbacks of the evacuation of Dunkirk.
Perhaps I’ll have a couple of gifts to open, but chances are they won’t be able to capture the essence of what I really want for Christmas.
Here’s my Christmas list for this year:
–I want to beÃ‚Â watching the Super Bowl and see and eHarmony.com ad featuringÃ‚Â Jimmy Carter, Hugo Chavez, Fidel Castro and Hamas.
–I want Hillary Clinton to switch into “presidential candidate mode” andÃ‚Â warm her image byÃ‚Â changingÃ‚Â from “icy scowl” to “arctic glare.”
–I want liberalsÃ‚Â toÃ‚Â take a short break from demanding that nobody smoke, drink, eat meat, drive SUVÃ¢â‚¬â„¢s, display Christian symbols, use chemicals on their lawns, hunt, fish, build additions on their homes, shop at Wal-Mart and wear fur –Ã‚Â so as to have more time to bash George W. Bush for stomping on privacy rights. Humor is the gift that keeps on giving.
–I want the 2007 Academy Awards toÃ‚Â be cancelled in a panicÃ‚Â after rumorsÃ‚Â spread that a nominee is threatening to deliver a pro-Bush speech.
–I want The Rolling Stones’ next album to be titled “Sticky, arthritic fingers.”
–I wantÃ‚Â a new unit of time measurement to be introduced, known as a “Boxo-second.”Ã‚Â ThisÃ‚Â term will be used to describe the length of time it takes Barbara Boxer to put NARAL pamphlets under the windshield wipers of all the cars in the parking lot of a Lamaze class.
–I want environmentalist Hollywood to stop being the second biggest polluter in California.
–I want Democratic National Committee Chairman Howard DeanÃ‚Â to leave that job and startÃ‚Â a new career, whereÃ‚Â I believe he can move moreÃ‚Â pre-owned vehicles in his first month than the other salesmen do all year.
–I want GQ magazine to publish an article that claims there are two reasons men should never wear a toupee, and for those two reasonsÃ‚Â to be “Burt” and “Reynolds.”
–I want Democrat analyst and consultant James CarvilleÃ‚Â to get his own cable morning show called “Wake up with Carville.” In addition, I want the show to be geared toward the female demographic and utilize this promotion: “At last, ladies, you can wake up with a guy like James Carville without a searing hangover and dramatically lower self-esteem.”
–I want a new set of photos to surface, that are purported to be from Abu-Ghraib, to turn out to be pictures from Barney Frank’s birthday party.
–I want to construct the ultimate in confusion by putting a bunch of U.N. bureaucrats around a four-cornered bureau and telling them to have a round-table discussion.
–I want Bill Clinton to become the next Secretary General of the U.N., and for him to propose a new global monetary system that willÃ‚Â use the euro as a model.Ã‚Â Each coin will be worth two U.S. dollars and have an engraving of Belinda Stronach’s chest on the back. We can only imagine what “heads” will be.
–IÃ‚Â want Al Gore to explain to meÃ‚Â how he can know what the temperature will beÃ‚Â 100 years from nowÃ‚Â if the United States doesn’t sign on to the Kyoto Protocol, but whyÃ‚Â he doesn’t know whatÃ‚Â overnight low will be in Chattanooga two weeks from Thursday.
–I want the NCAAÃ‚Â to order all universityÃ‚Â football teamsÃ‚Â to removeÃ‚Â anyÃ‚Â helmet logosÃ‚Â that might beÃ‚Â offensive toÃ‚Â Native Americans and replaceÃ‚Â them with logos depictingÃ‚Â something that the PC crowd seems to feel is more fitting of Indian heritage: Casinos.
–I want California’sÃ‚Â Ninth Circuit to rule thatÃ‚Â any Nativity scene in a public area must depict the Virgin Mary first meeting with representatives from Planned Parenthood, and for the Supreme Court to once again strike them down.
–I want Homeland Security authorities to thwart a terrorist plot to throw Michael Moore in New York City’s water supply.
–I want Harry Belafonte to take a short break from singing and dancing for crowds of mostly white people to once againÃ‚Â accuse various conservative black Americans of being “Uncle Toms.”
There are so many more, but I don’t want to be greedy.
Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year everybody!
Note: If you’re seeing only this post, the entire blog can be accessed at DougPowers.com