John Edwards To Announce 1) Bid For President, 2) He's Been Diagnosed With Lactose Intolerance From Over-Milking Katrina

When you picture what constitutes a good president, you may think of somebody strong, both physically and emotionally, and what could possibly make you mentally and physically tougher than waking up early every morning to milk a tragedy for all its worth?

Former Senator John Edwards has announced that he’s once again running for president, where he rallied the crowd by asking them to shout “yes” if they want him to be president and/or have suffered a neck injury from a passenger-side airbag. The announcement was made in New Orleans, home to what pro-big government bureaucracy Democrats say is proof of what gets bungled when big-government bureaucrats are in charge of things. Despite this built-in paradoxical reason not to vote for a Democrat, Edwards is primping and ready to go.

From John Edwards, Hillary Clinton, and on down, Democrats, who have rarely met a government program they didn’t like, have crawled out of the woodwork complaining about how the government failed the people during and after hurricane Katrina.

John Edwards stood in New Orleans today and announced (in addition to having been diagnosed with terminal lactose intolerance from milking Katrina) that the government failed and needs revamping. Actually he’s stumbled upon a legitimate problem – but even a blind nut finds a squirrel once in a while. Before you think Edwards is finally starting to “get it,” consider the reason the problem is being brought to our attention: so Edwards can apply his solution. The “solution” is that monstrous programs simply aren’t adequately funded, nor are there enough of them.

The message that has been sent by the left, and was sent again today by Edwards, is dizzying in its doublespeak, but not shocking. The government failed, so the only way to combat that is by throwing money at that failure until it succeeds.

In this particular case, Edwards will ask for permission to treat a patient with chronic diarrhea by prescribing Ex-Lax and Fiber One.

But the goal here is the same as it usually is in politics, and that goal has nothing to do with actually “solving” any problem — it’s all about “divide and conquer.”

Since early in the presidential campaign of 2004, when John Edwards was still in the running for his party’s nomination, he delivered his infamous “two Americas” speech. In Edwards’ stock talk of the day, he spoke of how there is one America that has all the cool stuff, and another America that gets the shaft.

Edwards’ making the announcement of his ’08 White House bid in New Orleans is proof-positive that he plans to continue using the “two Americas” mantra in an attempt to part America as skillfully and evenly as his hair.

Are there really “two Americas”? For Edwards there certainly is. As just one example, there is one America without health insurance, and another America that has made a fortune driving insurance costs so high that the astronauts on the orbiting International Space Station may have to be sent out to retrieve the operating budgets of insurance companies and health-care providers.

Actually, John Edwards lives in a little spoken of “third America,” where every day is Halloween, and “demagoguery” and “fear mongering” go trick-or-treating while costumed in the cheap plastic masks of “optimism” and “hope,” and a “third America” where the farmers are taught to separate the wheat from the chaff by getting the two to hate each other.

Even if there really were “two Americas,” Edwards’ methods aren’t the way to go about getting them back together. John Edwards has said that he wants to “build one America,” but it’s tough to construct something when the only tools you know how to use are pry bars and wrecking balls.

But man, what nice hair!

By the way, Edwards’ campaign slogan is “tomorrow begins today.” This of course means that today began yesterday, and the day after tomorrow begins tomorrow, which, of course, began today. Confused? Good, you’re ready for campaign season then.


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Author: Doug Powers

Doug Powers is a writer, editor and commentator covering news of the day from a conservative viewpoint with an occasional shot of irreverence and a chaser of snark. Townhall Media writer/editor. alum. Bowling novice. Long-suffering Detroit Lions fan. Contact: