Monthly Archives: December 2006

Your Evening Chuckle

Newsbusters pointed out what has to be the funniest headline of the day, if not the week. It’s from an article in the Washington Post, and it’s called “Democrats pledge to restrain spending.”

If you have today’s copy of the Washington Post, you can find this article on the same page with “Dogs promise to stop wetting hydrants” and “Mahmoud Ahmadinejad’s son to celebrate Bar Mitzvah.”

Michael Jackson Returns To U.S. — Sleezeball Parents Ready Kids For Another Big Payday

Hide the kids, lock the wine cellar, and don’t leave your children alone at the craps table, because Michael Jackson is back in the United States:

Ending 18 months of seclusion in Europe, reclusive superstar Michael Jackson was on a plane to the United States late Saturday bound for Las Vegas, where he plans a comeback.

Jackson and his three children, Prince Michael, Paris and Prince Michael II were due to arrive before midnight at a private executive terminal at McCarran International Airport, sources said.

It seems like only yesterday that the Neverland Ranch, former home to the, uh, man (?), who was once the most famous singer on the planet, many carnival rides and who knows how many tickle fights with McCauley Culkin, had its carousel unplugged. The government temporarily shut the ranch down. It has since reopened.

Dozens of employees had to be laid off due to the fact that the California Department of Labor closed the place in 2005 because Jackson carried no workers compensation.

After all that has been alleged to have gone on at Neverland – from supplying kids with alcohol to drug use to sequined fingerprints on Garanimal zippers – Michael Jackson’s home was shut down not due to any of the plethora of “alleged” crimes, but because Jackson wasn’t set up to accommodate government regulations in the event his umbrella holder poked out an eye or a Neverland carney lost a leg in a bumper car accident.

Oh well, whatever it takes.

The government shutting down Neverland for a lack of workers comp was the pop world real estate equivalent of getting Capone on tax evasion. The lesson being that, if you’re a bank robber, child molester, carjacker or mobster, your odds of getting off the hook are far greater if you simply keep your paperwork with the state timely and on the up-and-up.

Frankly, Jackson should feel lucky. Problems with the government, mounting debt and fleeing the country in shame pale in comparison to what could have happened. For a while, it was looking like Michael was facing the kind of serious jail time often reserved any of the rest of us who have have a playscape in the wine cellar, but fame can get you out of just about anything – with the exception of non-compliance with government regulations.

Now Michael’s back in the states and looking for a comeback, not to mention directions to the local Chuck E. Cheese.

We can be fairly certain that, after all he’s been through, Michael Jackson has learned his lesson: Never mess with the government. After that, anything’s fair game, including kids with negligent morons and/or greedy slime-buckets for parents.

Frankly, I’m glad Jackson is having a second chance. Why? The thought of Michael Jackson going to jail unaccompanied by some of the parents who allowed their kids to spend the night with him would have made the vessel of justice seem a little emptier. Especially the parents who sent their kids to Neverland after all that was known of the charges against Jackson.

In 2005, for example, about 200 kids visited Jackson at Neverland. Yes, parents were still allowing their kids go to the place where “beat it” wasn’t just a song. Amazing. Perhaps when those kids get older and realize what their parents did, they’ll reciprocate by sending ol’ mom and dad off for a weekend at Jack Kevorkian’s “amusement van” and see how their folks appreciate the gross negligence.

When you figure all the money Michael has paid out to the families of children to shut them up, his financial difficulties are easy to understand. Consider just the kids in the visit mentioned above. Let’s see, 200 kids at about $1.75 million a kid equals … a checkbook that’s very difficult to balance.

Now Michael has returned to try to get that money back in the form of ticket sales from some of the same people he gave it to to shut them up. If this isn’t the weirdest way to do business, I don’t know what it. In other words, it’s perfect for Vegas.

Somewhere out there right now are some parents who are going to let their kids spend the night and/or have a nice long unsupervised visit with Michael Jackson. You just know it will happen. Forget about Michael — these are the people who should be in prison.

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Monday's Column: Europe's Role in Executing the Death Penalty in America

Yes, we even work on Christmas.

Well, not really — I wrote a column completely unrelated to Christmas a few days ago, and it’s up today at WorldNetDaily. It’s about European opinion of the death penalty in the United States, and the weight that opinion carries when many U.S. courts are rendering decisions. Give a read to “A lethal dose of Eurothenasia” for the whole story.

Okay, I have to get back to monopolizing the “Guitar Hero” PSII game my son unwrapped earlier. Merry Christmas all!

Monday’s Column: Europe’s Role in Executing the Death Penalty in America

Yes, we even work on Christmas.

Well, not really — I wrote a column completely unrelated to Christmas a few days ago, and it’s up today at WorldNetDaily. It’s about European opinion of the death penalty in the United States, and the weight that opinion carries when many U.S. courts are rendering decisions. Give a read to “A lethal dose of Eurothenasia” for the whole story.

Okay, I have to get back to monopolizing the “Guitar Hero” PSII game my son unwrapped earlier. Merry Christmas all!

What I Really Want For Christmas

Tomorrow morning, the kids will tear through their presents like famished lions picking off the slowest gazelles in the herd, and living room will be strewn with the cardboard and torn-paper carcasses. Shortly thereafter, the department store gift return counters will have lines so long and slow moving that World War II veterans will have flashbacks of the evacuation of Dunkirk.

Perhaps I’ll have a couple of gifts to open, but chances are they won’t be able to capture the essence of what I really want for Christmas.

Here’s my Christmas list for this year:

–I want to be watching the Super Bowl and see and eHarmony.com ad featuring Jimmy Carter, Hugo Chavez, Fidel Castro and Hamas.

–I want Hillary Clinton to switch into “presidential candidate mode” and warm her image by changing from “icy scowl” to “arctic glare.”

–I want liberals to take a short break from demanding that nobody smoke, drink, eat meat, drive SUV’s, display Christian symbols, use chemicals on their lawns, hunt, fish, build additions on their homes, shop at Wal-Mart and wear fur – so as to have more time to bash George W. Bush for stomping on privacy rights. Humor is the gift that keeps on giving.

–I want the 2007 Academy Awards to be cancelled in a panic after rumors spread that a nominee is threatening to deliver a pro-Bush speech.

–I want The Rolling Stones’ next album to be titled “Sticky, arthritic fingers.”

–I want a new unit of time measurement to be introduced, known as a “Boxo-second.” This term will be used to describe the length of time it takes Barbara Boxer to put NARAL pamphlets under the windshield wipers of all the cars in the parking lot of a Lamaze class.

–I want environmentalist Hollywood to stop being the second biggest polluter in California.

–I want Democratic National Committee Chairman Howard Dean to leave that job and start a new career, where I believe he can move more pre-owned vehicles in his first month than the other salesmen do all year.

–I want GQ magazine to publish an article that claims there are two reasons men should never wear a toupee, and for those two reasons to be “Burt” and “Reynolds.”

–I want Democrat analyst and consultant James Carville to get his own cable morning show called “Wake up with Carville.” In addition, I want the show to be geared toward the female demographic and utilize this promotion: “At last, ladies, you can wake up with a guy like James Carville without a searing hangover and dramatically lower self-esteem.”

–I want a new set of photos to surface, that are purported to be from Abu-Ghraib, to turn out to be pictures from Barney Frank’s birthday party.

–I want to construct the ultimate in confusion by putting a bunch of U.N. bureaucrats around a four-cornered bureau and telling them to have a round-table discussion.

–I want Bill Clinton to become the next Secretary General of the U.N., and for him to propose a new global monetary system that will use the euro as a model. Each coin will be worth two U.S. dollars and have an engraving of Belinda Stronach’s chest on the back. We can only imagine what “heads” will be.

–I want Al Gore to explain to me how he can know what the temperature will be 100 years from now if the United States doesn’t sign on to the Kyoto Protocol, but why he doesn’t know what overnight low will be in Chattanooga two weeks from Thursday.

–I want the NCAA to order all university football teams to remove any helmet logos that might be offensive to Native Americans and replace them with logos depicting something that the PC crowd seems to feel is more fitting of Indian heritage: Casinos.

–I want California’s Ninth Circuit to rule that any Nativity scene in a public area must depict the Virgin Mary first meeting with representatives from Planned Parenthood, and for the Supreme Court to once again strike them down.

–I want Homeland Security authorities to thwart a terrorist plot to throw Michael Moore in New York City’s water supply.

–I want Harry Belafonte to take a short break from singing and dancing for crowds of mostly white people to once again accuse various conservative black Americans of being “Uncle Toms.”

There are so many more, but I don’t want to be greedy.

Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year everybody!

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Throwing Anvils To The Drowning: Democrats Pledge to Help U.S. Automakers

On Friday, Toyota announced that they expected to be the world’s number one automaker in 2007.

General Motors has been dethroned, and it appears that, for the foreseeable future, they won’t regain former dominance, and Ford and Chrysler will also continue to founder.

Throw the U.S. government’s intrusive mitts into the equation, and we’ve got real problems.

Why am I pessimistic about the future of U.S. auto companies? Because Democrats, reinvigorated after winning slim control of Congress, have pledged to “help” the U.S. auto industry recover. Look out, auto industry — things are about to get way worse.

If you’re an auto worker in America, I’d suggest finding another line of work quickly – a career in which you’re not subject to the consequences of horrible political decisions – such as politics.

To a great extent, congressional Democrats (and Congress in general, for that matter) and their pet lobbies are the reason U.S. automakers are in dire straits, and not the Mark Knopfler kind. Special interests, environmental activists, regulatory nightmares and union demands (hand-in-hand with corporate cave-in) have turned once mighty “automakers” into struggling “health care providers,” and these things are now in the drivers seat and are steering companies over a cliff. Somewhere along the line, selling cars became a secondary concern of the U.S. auto industry.

Looking only at the issue of health care, in 2004, these benefits added from $1,100 to $1,500 to the cost of each of the 4.65 million vehicles GM sold. In ’05, GM spent more on health care (about $5.6 billion) than it spent on advertising in ’04. Since then, it’s gotten even worse.

I appreciate a company that is generous with benefits for their employees, if they can afford it, but unions who push for benefits on this massive a scale, and companies who give into them, are doing nothing but sawing off the same branch they’re sitting on. The only remaining question is how far the fall will be and how loud the splat.

The fall will be farther and the splat louder now that Democrats in Congress have decided to “help.” The “help” in this instance will be in the strict Kevorkian-esque definition of the word.

Here’s what Michigan Rep. John Dingell said yesterday: “If Toyota’s worldwide production surpasses General Motors’, it will simply provide further evidence of the need for the U.S. government to pursue policies that maintain and strengthen the U.S. industrial base.”

If you want a car that costs roughly as much as an oceanside mansion on Martha’s Vineyard, then yes, let’s put the government in charge. Dingall’s words are just another example of the time-honored “we’re from the government and we’re here to help you” cookie-cutter quote book.

Consider the counterproductive mindset of Congress. For an example of this, we’ll use the words of California’s Barbara Boxer. Boxer is arguably the biggest slapstick moron ever to slip inside-the-beltway since Jerry Lewis performed for President Eisenhower. In other words, she’s a good baseline example.

Here’s what Boxer said about Toyota’s growth: “I have long said that fuel-efficient automobiles in America would be the ticket to larger and larger market share.”

Wrongo, Barb baby. The key to a larger market share is a non-nosey government, low taxes, in-check unions, and elimination of red tape and insane regs. This combined with a Congress and auto executives who realize that the free market, combined with keen observers of the trends of same, will determine the ticket to a larger and larger market share.

Right now, Toyota has that winning ticket. Why? First and foremost because Toyota does not let Barbara Boxer and John Dingell tell them how to run their business.

Let’s face it, most members of Congress couldn’t run a lemonade stand without screwing it up. They’d spill the stuff in the road, hit on passers-by, pilfer the till and then impose a “pulp tax” on the neighbor kid’s stand to cover their losses.

The race to not only sell the most cars but also have the healthiest bottom line will be won by those who have the fewest bureaucratic buffoons and moronic regulations either forced, or willingly accepted, down their throat. Until U.S. automakers start selling bureaucratic buffoons and moronic regulations instead of cars, they’ll continue to lose their once great dominance.

Here’s a quick trivia question: If today’s Congressional Democrats were around in 1903 telling Henry Ford how to run his auto business, what would be the name of the horse you’d be riding today?

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Duke Players Should Sue Mike Nifong

Isn’t it amazing what a lack of evidence can accomplish? After many months of searching in an attempt to create a case around a preconceived outcome, prosecutor Mike Nifong has dropped the rape charges against three Duke lacrosse players.

From the A.P.:

Prosecutors dropped rape charges Friday against three Duke University lacrosse players accused of attacking a stripper at a team party, but the three still face kidnapping and sexual offense charges, a defense attorney said.

Joseph Cheshire and attorneys for the other players have said for months the woman told several different versions of the alleged assault.

The problem was that Mike Nifong, the prosecutor, was saying quite publicly that these guys raped the woman. This “incident” happened back in March, and Nifong didn’t even interview the accusor until after the end of October. I guess he was too busy going around saying how guilty they were to bother with such a minor detail.

Why were the charges dropped? Well, DNA evidence showed material from none of the accused on, in, or around the victim (plenty of other guys though), and maybe the prosecutor heard the loud footsteps of “Nifong’s Law” approaching with each passing day.

This kind of crap needs to be put down, and prosecutors need to stop being able to ruin lives and reputations based on political ambitions, false information and other personal agendas. A simple “whoops, my bad… sorry” isn’t nearly enough.

If the rest of the charges turn out to be bogus, I hope these guys can somehow manage to sue the prosecution back to the stone age.

To learn more about what happened in this case, rent the following movie:

Global Orgasm for Peace: Today's the Day!

Okay everybody, prepare yourselves.

When anti-war activists Paul Reffell and Donna Sheehan planned their latest peace-making project — the synchronized global orgasm — to fall on Dec. 22, they may not have realized that it’s the last Friday before Christmas. It’s a day many people take off, and so, have a little extra time on their hands. Sweet coinkydink or a holiday miracle, today’s your chance to improve the world — batteries not included.

Yes indeed, today is the day! I’d ask for a show of hands to find out how many are participating, but I fear the count would be most inaccurate.

Here’s what we’re supposed to do:

“The intent is that the participants concentrate any thoughts during and after orgasm on peace. The combination of high-energy orgasmic energy combined with mindful intention may have a much greater effect than previous mass meditations and prayers.”

I sure hope the terrorists are participating, for they’re the ones who really need a different hobby, but maybe that’s here nor there.

The organizers of the Global Orgasm for Peace, Sheehan, 76, and Reffell, 55. have been planning this for quite some time. The story hit the news like gangbusters when it was first reported many weeks ago, and I checked around today and it would appear that many people have forgotten. Hey all, world peace isn’t just going to happen by a stroke of luck — we have to make it so!

You may remember Donna Sheehan (no relation to Cindy), because about three years ago she and some friends protested the looming war in Iraq by stripping naked, laying down, and spelling out the word “peace.” This, obviously, didn’t stop the war, but it did confirm one thing most definitively: Newton’s Law of Gravity.

Here’s my fear that could prevent this from becoming a yearly event — The ultimate nail in the coffin for the Global Orgasm for Peace movement may not be lack of participation. Heck, there are no doubt pockets of people all around the globe who have been feverishly practicing for this day on which they will strive for peace with reckless abandon.

In actuality, the death of the “Global Orgasm for Peace” could be more religious in nature.

What happens very often when people have orgasms? That’s right, they call out to God (with the possible exception of Michael Newdow, who yells out his own name).

This could be the downfall of the Global Orgasm for Peace. Millions of people suddenly calling out to God is bound to put some leftist undies in a non-secular twist. And I don’t even want to know how they’ll react when millions of people simultaneously light cigarettes. If this happens, subsequent Global Orgasms for Peace will have to be outdoors in towns with strict smoking laws, and things could get ugly.

Okay, now go and make the world a better place — at least for 30 to 90 seconds.

But if we wake up tomorrow and there are still wars, terrorist attacks and violent despots, we’ll… we’ll… have to keep trying. The 1960’s “politics of harmonic convergence” have never led us astray.

Update: Noon eastern time on Global Orgasm fo Peace day, and Hamas and Fatah militants are clashing in Gaza as we speak. This isn’t working! Come on, world peace won’t be realized unless we all pull together!

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Note: If you’re seeing only this post, the entire blog can be accessed at DougPowers.com

Global Orgasm for Peace: Today’s the Day!

Okay everybody, prepare yourselves.

When anti-war activists Paul Reffell and Donna Sheehan planned their latest peace-making project — the synchronized global orgasm — to fall on Dec. 22, they may not have realized that it’s the last Friday before Christmas. It’s a day many people take off, and so, have a little extra time on their hands. Sweet coinkydink or a holiday miracle, today’s your chance to improve the world — batteries not included.

Yes indeed, today is the day! I’d ask for a show of hands to find out how many are participating, but I fear the count would be most inaccurate.

Here’s what we’re supposed to do:

“The intent is that the participants concentrate any thoughts during and after orgasm on peace. The combination of high-energy orgasmic energy combined with mindful intention may have a much greater effect than previous mass meditations and prayers.”

I sure hope the terrorists are participating, for they’re the ones who really need a different hobby, but maybe that’s here nor there.

The organizers of the Global Orgasm for Peace, Sheehan, 76, and Reffell, 55. have been planning this for quite some time. The story hit the news like gangbusters when it was first reported many weeks ago, and I checked around today and it would appear that many people have forgotten. Hey all, world peace isn’t just going to happen by a stroke of luck — we have to make it so!

You may remember Donna Sheehan (no relation to Cindy), because about three years ago she and some friends protested the looming war in Iraq by stripping naked, laying down, and spelling out the word “peace.” This, obviously, didn’t stop the war, but it did confirm one thing most definitively: Newton’s Law of Gravity.

Here’s my fear that could prevent this from becoming a yearly event — The ultimate nail in the coffin for the Global Orgasm for Peace movement may not be lack of participation. Heck, there are no doubt pockets of people all around the globe who have been feverishly practicing for this day on which they will strive for peace with reckless abandon.

In actuality, the death of the “Global Orgasm for Peace” could be more religious in nature.

What happens very often when people have orgasms? That’s right, they call out to God (with the possible exception of Michael Newdow, who yells out his own name).

This could be the downfall of the Global Orgasm for Peace. Millions of people suddenly calling out to God is bound to put some leftist undies in a non-secular twist. And I don’t even want to know how they’ll react when millions of people simultaneously light cigarettes. If this happens, subsequent Global Orgasms for Peace will have to be outdoors in towns with strict smoking laws, and things could get ugly.

Okay, now go and make the world a better place — at least for 30 to 90 seconds.

But if we wake up tomorrow and there are still wars, terrorist attacks and violent despots, we’ll… we’ll… have to keep trying. The 1960’s “politics of harmonic convergence” have never led us astray.

Update: Noon eastern time on Global Orgasm fo Peace day, and Hamas and Fatah militants are clashing in Gaza as we speak. This isn’t working! Come on, world peace won’t be realized unless we all pull together!

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Note: If you’re seeing only this post, the entire blog can be accessed at DougPowers.com