Bolton is Boltin’

U.N. Ambassador John Bolton is a guy who carefully considers the genuine best interests of the United States with every decision he makes. This, of course, doesn’t fly with freshly emboldened Democrats who are filibustering a permanent confirmation, so Bolton submitted his resignation to Bush, and the president accepted.

That’s okay, because seeing a man of integrity like John Bolton in the United Nations was somewhat sad and uncomfortable — sort of like watching John Wayne in a Broadway musical.

Who’s next? No doubt the Democrats plan to force Bush to send the U.N. a holiday fruitcake they’re more comfortable with.

Jimmy Carter Announces Funeral Plans, Wants To Be Buried In Foreign Soil

Why Jimmy Carter would want to be buried in foreign soil is anybody’s guess, but the former president, whose administration was the economic equivalent of root canal while in the throes of amoebic dysentery, has announced his funeral plans.

Carter wants to be buried in front of his home in Plains, Georgia. At this point, we can only speculate how many of brother Billy’s empty beer cans will be dug up by the backhoe. Any bets?

Jimmy also wants a funeral in Washington, which promises to be quite the somber experience. It’ll be like Ronald Reagan’s funeral without all the pesky people getting in your line of sight.

It’s often said that Carter “was a better ex-president than president,” but trying to decide if Jimmy was a better president or ex-president is like figuring out if you prefer the hemorrhoid on the left butt cheek, or the right one.

Carter is probably still in full-blown “Enzyte Bob” mode, as his pal and anti-American goon Hugo Chavez just won re-election as president of Venezuela.

The legacy that Jimmy Carter will leave behind once his funeral plans are fulfilled would be comical if it weren’t dangerous. The self-appointed Special Ambassador to Everywhere has spent the better part of a few decades using his platform as a former president of the U.S. to practice conflict resolution overseas, bash America, and encourage murderers and their victims to find common ground.

Not long ago, Carter monitored the Palestinian elections, where the Islamic militant group Hamas won an overwhelming majority in the legislature.

Here’s what Jimmy Carter had to say about the Palestinian election mere hours after the voting: “The elections were completely honest, completely fair, completely safe and without violence.” We can only wish Carter could offer that same type of knee-jerk deference to an American election.

Remember the days when Billy was the embarrassing Carter?

What Jimmy Carter, knowingly or unknowingly, said to the world that day was that suicide bombings and other violence at polling places won’t occur as long as terrorists are allowed a spot on the ballot.

There are two options with Jimmy Carter: He’s either a gullible fool in search of a legacy or a closet despot lover in search of a closet.

Back in 2002, Carter visited Cuba and hooked up with Fidel Castro for what almost resembled a creepy eHarmony.com ad. At the time, Carter’s visit rankled nerves in the Bush administration because it was thought that Castro had, at the very least, a limited biological-weapons program.

Carter came out of his trip doubting that Cuba had any such programs. Why? You guessed it: Because Castro told him he didn’t. Well, that and because Castro granted Carter “free access to any place that you may wish to see” (with 24-hour notice for “tidying up”). The Cuban government also told its people that they were free to speak openly with Carter, provided they were polite, courteous and willing to spend the next 20 years in a labor camp.

Why does Jimmy Carter seem to have a soft spot for less than desirable dictators and varied despots around the globe? Simply psychology. The malaise, stagflation, low morale, high misery index, bad leisure suit and disco years that were his presidency look great next to the human rights violations, oppression and violent iron fisted rule of the likes of Castro, Hamas, Chavez, Ahmadinejad, et al.

Carter has figured out what’s helped many an ex-president out of a bad legacy jam. You can’t change history, but you can alter your present company. As Rodney Dangerfield’s character eloquently put it in his movie Back to School, “If you want to look thin, hang out with fat people.”

Jimmy Carter has announced his burial plans, and word has it that he’s already down in Plains trying to mediate the dirt out of the hole. I’m a little surprised that Carter didn’t want to be buried in Venezuela, Cuba, or the Middle East — a little closer to home.

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Monday's Column: A Delusional John Kerry

Today’s column at WorldNetDaily is based on a blog post from a few days ago. I was watching John Kerry talk about his presidential aspirations with Larry King last week, and it struck me: The poor man still thinks he has a chance to be not only nominated, but also elected.

I go through a bit of Kerry’s past, present, and future, in “John Kerry: Dead but too dumb to lie down.”

Have a good Monday all!

Monday’s Column: A Delusional John Kerry

Today’s column at WorldNetDaily is based on a blog post from a few days ago. I was watching John Kerry talk about his presidential aspirations with Larry King last week, and it struck me: The poor man still thinks he has a chance to be not only nominated, but also elected.

I go through a bit of Kerry’s past, present, and future, in “John Kerry: Dead but too dumb to lie down.”

Have a good Monday all!

Her Cup Gwyneth Over: Another Celeb Hurls Stones in the Glass House

Actress Gwyneth Paltrow, who has grown so emaciated that she’s begun naming her kids after fruit, joined the pantheon of ungrateful Tinseltown pinheads who reap a fortune from Americans and then go to a different country and call them stupid. As I wrote in last week’s column, maybe they’re right — after all, we’re the ones making these twits wealthy.

Here’s what Paltrow is alleged to have said in a magazine interview:

“I love the English lifestyle, it’s not as capitalistic as America. People don’t talk about work and money, they talk about interesting things at dinner. I like living here because I don’t fit into the bad side of American psychology. The British are much more intelligent and civilized than the Americans.”

An A-list actress deriding a capitalist culture? What’s next — Michael Moore bashing fat people?

I’m no psychologist, but since we humans have a natural tendency to gravitate toward our own, I’ll go out on a limb and assume that the people Paltrow hangs out with while in America are fellow elitist liberal entertainers and their agents. Paltrow’s statement, if anything, demonstrates nothing more than a classic case of agonizing self-loathing at a level not seen since the death of the lactose-intolerant dairy cow.

Besides, anybody who says the British are more civilized has never seen a good soccer riot.

Paltrow’s opinion is nothing new. At least she, Madonna, Johnny Depp and others stand behind their words and actually move out of the U.S., returning only to fetch a healthy paycheck or get face time on the awards show du jour. We’re not as fortunate with some of their colleagues.

“Leaving the country” is thrown around by the liberal glitterati as if it’s supposed to carry some sort of weight, especially in an election year. It’s as if they think we’ll stand in the polling booth and say to ourselves, “I was going to vote for the Republican, but I really don’t want Cher to move to Italy.” In the last two elections, threats by all sorts of whiffle-brained Left Coast actors to go into permanent exile have been answered by the public with a loud and clear: “Who cares?”

In 2000, Alec Baldwin allegedly said he’d leave the country if Bush were elected. Baldwin’s gone nowhere, except increasingly nuts. In 2004, Robert Redford said he’d consider moving permanently to his home in Ireland if Bush were elected. Redford’s still here as well.

A few years back, Tom Cruise cited the terrorism threat, crime, faltering financial status and corporate corruption as reasons he may move permanently to Australia. Cruise made over a hundred million bucks in a business that charges so much for admission that you have to sell a kidney in order to take your family to a flick and get popcorn, and the potentially Australia-bound Cruise had the brass dingos to talk about “corporate corruption”?

I’ll start respecting some of these hypocritical Hollywood elitists when they start refusing to take money from America, the dumb but greedy country that’s responsible for the world’s ills, or so they say.

The entertainment industry is about the only business I can think of that can call their customers insulting names, and the customers keep returning for more. If the owner of a grocery store called you “stupid and greedy” every time you handed him your hard earned money, would you go back?

It really is time to teach Hollywood and their phony celluloid-for-brains elitist erudite-wannabes a lesson in business and finance. Withholding our money from Hollywood wouldn’t be a boycott — it would be denying capitalistic behavior, which Gwyneth should be on board with it, at least until she loses her house (oops, I mean “flat” — bloody sorry, Gwyn ol’ dear).

Update: Paltrow says she was either misquoted or never said those things — it’s hard to tell which. Sounds like a bit of damage control.

“Rich gifts wax poor when givers prove unkind.”

William Shakespeare, Hamlet

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John Kerry: Dead But Too Dumb To Lie Down

Recently, I was re-reading one of P.J. O’Rourke’s books, and this happened to be while John Kerry was on Larry King Live. As Kerry was trying to dig his way out of a hole with such vigor that he was about to reach China, I ran across the chapter title, “Commies: Dead but too dumb to lie down.”

I looked up at John Francois Kerry, and it was as if the gods of fortuitous timing were with me that evening. The chapter title, most of it anyway, was the perfect description of what has become of John Kerry’s presidential aspirations.

The next election is a little less than two years away, and I have no idea who the nominees will be. I do know who they won’t be, though. One thing is certain: John Kerry will not be among the finalists for the Democrat nomination.

Kerry is still assessing the impact of his “botched joke” on his ’08 prospects, as he was doing that night on the Larry King show. This is like Michael Richards assessing the impact of his botched rant on his chances to be president of the NAACP – It wasn’t going to happen anyway. Sorry, John.

Years ago, it all seemed so promising for Kerry, and then…

In 2004, Kerry came back from a distant third to win in Iowa, he had the best hair of any other Democrat seeking the nomination, and, most importantly, among core party voters, he had the only thing that they were looking for in a candidate: he wasn’t Bush.

According to polls before either party’s convention, the race between Kerry and Bush was a dead heat. This was the time for Kerry to make his move. Speculation swirled around who would be Kerry’s choice for a running mate. Would it be Hillary Clinton? Dick Gephardt? Would John McCain cross over? Kerry decided to add some youthful integrity to the ticket, figuring that nobody exudes this quality to Americans like a senator and attorney, if you’ll pardon the redundancy. A fellow wealthy liberal lawyer from an Eastern Seaboard state with a meticulously cared-for coif, Kerry’s choice of John Edwards as his running-mate was like adding salt to caviar.

The Dems convention in 2004 was another problem. Their week in Beantown was like a USO show in reverse, with the entertainers in the crowd, and the troops on the stage. Throw in Edwards reminding the crowd that “Hope is on the way,” and the USO feel was uncanny. Unfortunately, Bob and his trademark golf club didn’t make an appearance, and the constant reminders of what John Kerry did in his early 20’s turned off any voter with the audacity to be curious about anything that has happened since midway through Nixon’s first term.

Things got even worse shortly after the DNC gathering in Boston, when pollsters observed that, after an entire week of speeches and rallies, the biggest convention “bounce” any Democrat enjoyed was at a fundraiser and involved Alyssa Milano and a trampoline.

Just when things seemed to be heading in the wrong direction for Kerry, a hint of potentially good news energized his campaign. Dan Rather and CBS were going to air a report, complete with documentation, that would offer proof positive that George W. Bush received preferential treatment while in the Texas Air National Guard, which allowed Bush to skirt the usual requirements, keeping him out of Vietnam. At last, something for the Kerry campaign that would turn off Bush voters!

By the time it was over, the CBS flap cost Kerry in two key areas: 1) The documents ended up being forgeries, making Bush opponents appear desperate, and 2) In order to push this story forward, they had to admit that Bush was actually in the National Guard.

The loss, the Heinz, the flush, the plunge

Kerry, of course, lost to Bush in ’04, though I do believe some recounts are still being conducted in dusty corners of out-of-the-way polling places by chad-covered denial-addled liberal activists.

After the loss, Kerry went back to being one of the biggest lefties in the Senate, which you can get away with when you’re from Massachusetts, but it still doesn’t work nationally.

Kerry’s “botched joke” is only the final nail in the coffin of his presidential hopes. There were and are many others, not the least of which is his wife.

Frankly, on the likability scale, Teresa Heinz Kerry managed to rank just below “genital warts.” Preposterous elitist meanderings, such as saying that Laura Bush has “never had a real job“ must have made teachers, librarians and mothers everywhere rejoice to discover they’ve never had to work in their lives. Heinz-Kerry later said she was sorry, but, just like an Ike Turner apology, it’s tough to accept because you know that, tomorrow, another slap is coming. The 2004 election may have been the first to be lost due to a candidate’s wife. At the polls, a few voters might have decided that America needed a “First Lady,” not a “Mommy Dearest.”

Other John Kerry factors, such as accusing US troops of terrorizing women and children in Iraq and any other number of insulting things the Senator has said are sure to keep him from having another shot at the Dems nomination. John Kerry has spent the last couple of years helping Republicans produce dozens of potentially negative and damning ads for ’08. It’s nice for the other side when a candidate writes ad copy for his opponent.

The saddest thing about John Kerry is that the last person to realize that he has no chance of ever being President of the United States will be John Kerry. If this particular “botched joke” wasn’t so much fun to watch, I’d suggest an intervention.

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Young Conservatives of Texas at UT Austin Build ACLU Nativity Scene

You’ve got to get a kick out of this ACLU nativity scene: Gary and Joseph instead of Mary and Joseph; no Jesus in the manger; the three Wise Men are Lenin, Marx, and Stalin; a terrorist shepherd; and an angel in the form of Nancy Pelosi.

Here’s the press release.

Next year they should leave the baby in the scene (just pronounce his name “Hay-soos” instead of “Gee-zus”), and depict somebody from NAMBLA “adopting” him.

Imams on a Plane: Racial Profiling, Real Terror Threat, or Sheik-Down Attempt?

“Six imams, two ministers, and a rabbi walk into an airport…” There’s the setup. The punchline is up to you.

Last week, six imams were removed, in handcuffs, from a Minneapolis to Phoenix flight after other passengers reported odd behavior.

The imams said they were only praying before the flight the same way you might pray before eating at a British sushi bar. In protest of this embarrassment, imams, ministers and a rabbi staged a “pray-in” yesterday at Reagan National Airport. No word yet on God’s opinion on the issue of prayer being used to attempt to score political points.

Here’s the AP report of the “pray in.” This story quotes the imams view of the incident, but doesn’t take into account reports from witnesses at the airport that day, many of whom say the imams behavior was reminiscent of 9/11, and others who simply think this is all a cheap attempt at a lawsuit — a sheik-down, if you will.

According to the Washington Times, “Passengers and flight attendants told law-enforcement officials the imams switched from their assigned seats to a pattern associated with September 11 terrorist attacks and also found in probes of U.S. security since the attack.” An anonymous U.S. Marshal was quoted as saying, “That would alarm me. They now control all of the entry and exit routes to the plane.” It would scare anyone who lived through the horrific events of 9/11.

The men asked for seatbelt extensions, although none of them were significantly overweight, talked about al Qaida and Osama bin Laden and walked the length of the plane several times after moving from their assigned seats to positions throughout the cabin.

Some are calling it a lawsuit set up. Democratic Rep. Sheila Jackson is calling it racial profiling and discrimination. Witnesses are just calling it scary.

Yeah, well Sheila Jackson is a moron. Is that profiling? You bet. She’s a Democrat politician, so the odds are that I’m right on the money.

Profiling? Yes, behavior can lead to that. For example, if a guy walks into a bank wearing a ski mask, the tellers get a little jumpy. To the activist, this is a clear-cut case of cloakism.

Now sit back and watch as “activists,” thanks to this “incident,” start using prayer as a method to inflict fear and legal action all around the nation. This isn’t exactly my idea of the purpose of prayer, but hey, we all have different definitions.

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