It would seem that God has been talking to the Reverend Pat Robertson again, and, according to Pat, the news isn’t good.

God told Robertson, in addition to recommending and increase in his Thorazine dosage, that the United States will suffer a major terrorist attack in late 2007. This prediction isn’t a major stretch, but still, since Pat said it, I’m a little more optimistic about a healthy new year.

I used to, on occasion, watch Robertson’s program “The 700 Club.” It had some good stories in it, but then they inevitably reached the portion of the show where the hosts would gather around, close their eyes, and say things like “there’s a woman in Yonkers with cataracts that are being healed right now.” Since then, Robertson’s been slipping like a deer on a frozen pond.

So, what was God’s conversation with Pat Robertson like? Probably a little like this:

God: Psst, hey, Pat. Any more than two shakes is playin’ with it.

Pat: God? What are you doing in the men’s room?

God: I couldn’t use that joke anywhere else.

Pat: At any rate, I’m glad you’re here. We’re taping our “beginning of the year” program in a while. Do you have some stuff to tell me about 2007?

God: What? Oh… maybe. I really wanted to thank you for your protein shake recipe. Now I’m leg-pressing almost as much as you. Your pancakes are dee-lish also! Ghandi even ate some.

Pat: You’re very welcome. Say ‘hi’ to Mahatma for me.

God: Who? Oh, no — I’m talking about Frank Ghandi, St. Peter’s valet.

Pat: Oh. Anyway, about those predictions — we tape in an hour, so if you could just give me what you have, I’ll broadcast it when we’re on the air.

God: I see that Hugo Chavez is still around. What gives?

Pat: Well, nobody listened to me, but they’ll regret it! Hey, what happened to the tsunami you told me was going to hit the U.S. in ’06? My viewers bought SCUBA gear and are now sending me the bill because they didn’t need it.

God: I just didn’t have the strength, but maybe now that I’m drinking your protein shake…

Pat: Very funny.

God: Actually, I was busy giving Ariel Sharon a stroke as retribution for Israel’s withdrawl from the Gaza Strip.

Pat: I knew it! They called me crazy, but who’s nuts now?

God: For the love of me, I’m kidding. Relax, will ya?

Pat: If you don’t mind, can we talk about 2007?

God: Sure. Here’s what I’ve got scheduled so far: The Olsen twins will eat a bean and explode, due to the success of the show “24,” the producers will add more commercial time and change the title to “23,” and you’ll be committed and roosting in the cuckoo’s nest by the end of the year.

Pat: A major terrorist attack in the U.S., you say?

God: Cut it out, that’s not what I said.

Pat: La la la la la…I can’t hear you… la la la la…

God: How annoying.


Okay, here’s my prediction: Every time after God “speaks” to Pat, somewhere in the CBN building is a janitor with a deep booming voice and access to the PA system who is laughing like crazy.


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