Maybe it’s always happened at this frequency and I’m just noticing more, but it seems there have been an inordinate amount of train derailments lately. Just last week, two derailments in Kentucky focused attention on finding a safer way to transport toxic materials.

This got me to thinking about something even more chilling. What if Hillary Clinton, Barack Obama, John Edwards, Joe Biden, Chris Dodd, Dennis Kucinich, Bill Richardson and the rest, were on a train on their way to a debate and the train derailed in a populated area and spilled its liberal cargo?

Consider the following nightmare scenario:

A train fully loaded with Democrat presidential candidates, on their way to a pre-caucus debate at Des Moines University, is rolling through a little Iowa town called Happy.

Happy, a small town of 1,900 hard working freedom-loving Americans, is going about its usual Tuesday afternoon business when a loud crash is heard. On the train, the synchronized finger-pointing and double-speak is shattered as the train hits an obstacle on the tracks. The residents of Happy look toward the rails in horror as they see the train tip over, spilling its full cargo of liberal presidential candidates all over the banks of the tracks, and in many cases within several feet of suburban homes.

Happy’s worst nightmare has become reality. The town is now a full-fledged constitutional disaster area. Those who saw the accident and have the means to escape do so. For many others, it’s already too late.

Within minutes, a stiff breeze, bringing with it the scent of power and money, has carried The Spill hundreds of yards into town. In less than a half an hour The Spill has gone into several of the town’s shops and noticed a distinct lack of minority-owned businesses. By the time the Federal Emergency Management Agency can be notified, The Spill has already begun protesting the low wages earned by Fannie, a waitress at “Chuck’s Eats” with three children and, apparently, no dental insurance.

Other spilled candidates have already made their way into the office of Happy’s mayor, demanding a drastic increase in the minimum wage so Fannie can afford dental work for her and her kids. The Spill then federalizes the mayor’s office, increases the minimum wage and raises taxes, not noticing or caring that Fannie takes home less money than before her big raise.

Fannie becomes depressed, so The Spill raises taxes again on “Chuck’s Eats” to pay for Fannie’s psychologist and “free” prescription drugs. “Chuck’s Eats” goes out of business. Fannie is out of work, but thanks to The Spill, not out of Zoloft. Mercilessly, The Spill moves on.

There’s no stopping it now. Spreading quickly, The Spill moves on to the courthouse, where it removes a plaque displaying the Ten Commandments and replaces it with a chart showing the fat content of Krispy Kreme doughnuts, which were sold at the shop across the street until being forced out of business after The Spill sued them and other “big doughnut” corporations for peddling an unhealthy product.

The Spill then bans trans-fats and criticizes new federal policies of opening mail without a warrant if the sender is a suspected terrorist, believing that the mail of private citizens should only be opened if the sender is suspected of using trans fats.

The disaster widens quickly. By the time FEMA arrives to pass out gift cards, The Spill has spread a good mile inside city limits. There is no time to evacuate the students at nearby Happy High School, as The Spill has already made its way inside, begun abortion counseling, and changed the school’s mascot from a hatchet wielding Indian, to “Wheezy,” a cuddly bear with major respiratory problems caused by second-hand smoke and SUV carbon dioxide emissions.

In a show of solidarity with Wheezy, SUV’s are banned and drained of their fuel, which is then put into a private 747 which The Spill will use to fly to an emergency summit meeting on ozone depletion in Rio de Janeiro.

Within hours, The Spill has completely overtaken the town, forcing the residents to lock themselves in their homes after hearing that several convicted sex offenders and violent criminals were released from prison because police didn’t read them their Miranda rights with a Iowa twang.

Taxes are raised to pay for the construction of several new homeless shelters. When The Spill is informed that Happy doesn’t have any homeless besides Fannie, her kids, and Chuck, The Spill doubles property taxes to create some so the shelters don’t go to waste. The Spill has now, in its mind, established fiscal responsibility.

In a matter of hours, The Spill learns that a Muslim woman wasn’t allowed on a city bus because her face was covered with a Burqa, and there have been other similar incidents. Concerns over terrorism are arising in Happy and the bus company claims that one or two people with their faces covered makes the other passengers nervous. The Spill agrees, and orders all women to start wearing Burqas.

The Spill now sets its sights on self-esteem issues. Thinking that the name of “Happy” is insensitive to the unhappy, it is determined that the town should be renamed. This will be done by a committee to be appointed by a panel of round-table experts from an as-yet-to-be-announced coalition from a bureau of task forces.

Within a few weeks, The Spill leaves “the town to be renamed by a committee to be appointed by a panel of round-table experts from an as-yet-to-be-announced coalition from a bureau of task forces” a shell of its former self. The area is now a smoldering cesspool of drugs, corruption, poverty and gerrymandered districts.

The Spill is then picked up by a strong breeze, and wafts over to the next city, beaming with pride in the knowledge that it has helped yet another town become a nicer place to live.


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