Emboldened by the fact that I was a co-winner, along with the rest of you, of Time Magazine’s “Person of the Year” accolade, I am now seeking a Nobel Peace Prize. I sent an email to the Nobel Institute in Oslo (SexxyPacifists@Yahoo.com) just ahead of the Feb. 1 deadline and nominated myself.

They say that Al Gore is a leading contender for the prize. No doubt there will be more anger-filled “peace activists” nominated as well. Nobel Peace Prize winner Betty Williams said in a speech awhile back that she “could kill Bush,” so being non-violent isn’t necessarily a qualification required the Nobel committee. This means my love of football and boxing may not automatically disqualify me.

Rush Limbaugh has also been nominated by Mark Levin’s Landmark Legal Foundation. The odds of Limbaugh winning an award are right up there with the chance of Joe Biden getting the “NAACP Image Award,” but I wish Rush well.

After reviewing some of the nominees, I concluded that I’m just as peaceful, if not moreso, than most on the list.

Here are just a few of the reasons I gave the committee as to why I should win the Nobel Peace Prize:

–Give money to various charities, including PETA and the ACLU (if they don’t background check, I’m in)

–Don’t support terrorist organizations like some past Nobel Peace Prize winners (wait, that goes on the list of reasons I won’t win the Nobel)

–Against capital punishment. Instead I propose that all violent criminals be housed safely and humanely in the Nobel Peace Center in Oslo, Norway

–If traveling by private jet, I always take along a bicycle and ride it to my final destination after landing

–Never killed anybody, to the best of my recollection

–Haven’t run over a creature larger than a June bug on the highway since 2004

–Recently quit eating meat in between steak dinners

–I’m against testing cosmetics on rabbits, as I believe that “whoring up” a bunny is a perverted hobby and should be illegal

–Gore, Limbaugh, and many others, don’t “need” the $1.6 million prize money as badly as I do. This is a chance for the Nobel people to show that they are indeed “fair”

–I once took part in an anti-war protest, albeit accidentally, after making a wrong turn on my way to buy the swimsuit issue of Guns & Ammo

–My plan to send a humanitarian shipment of 5 tons of Bean-O to Ted Kennedy, if implemented, will cut greenhouse gas emmissions by 35% the first year

–Helped save Africa by purchasing a U2 album. I don’t know exactly how that works, but I’m told it does

–Forward the cause of peace daily by seeking out war mongers and threatening them with extreme violence if they don’t join the peace movement

With all that going for me, how can I lose?


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