EmboldenedÃ‚Â by the fact that I was a co-winner, along with the rest of you, of Time Magazine’s “Person of the Year” accolade, I am now seeking a Nobel Peace Prize. I sent an email to the Nobel Institute in Oslo (SexxyPacifists@Yahoo.com)Ã‚Â just ahead of the Feb. 1 deadline and nominated myself.
They say that Al Gore is a leading contender for the prize. No doubt there will be moreÃ‚Â anger-filled “peace activists” nominated as well.Ã‚Â Nobel PeaceÃ‚Â Prize winner Betty Williams said in a speech awhile backÃ‚Â that she Ã¢â‚¬Å“could kill Bush,Ã¢â‚¬Â so being non-violent isn’t necessarily a qualificationÃ‚Â required the Nobel committee. This means my love of football and boxingÃ‚Â may not automaticallyÃ‚Â disqualify me.
Rush Limbaugh has also been nominated by Mark Levin’s Landmark Legal Foundation. The odds of LimbaughÃ‚Â winning an award are right up there with the chance of Joe Biden getting the “NAACP Image Award,” but I wish Rush well.
After reviewing some of the nominees, I concluded that I’m just as peaceful, if not moreso, than most on the list.
Here are just a few of the reasons I gaveÃ‚Â the committee as to whyÃ‚Â I should win the Nobel Peace Prize:
–Give money to various charities, including PETA and the ACLU (if they don’t background check, I’m in)
–Don’t support terrorist organizations like some past Nobel Peace Prize winnersÃ‚Â (wait, that goes on the list of reasons I won’t win the Nobel)
–Against capital punishment. Instead I propose that all violent criminals be housed safely and humanelyÃ‚Â in the NobelÃ‚Â Peace Center inÃ‚Â Oslo, Norway
–If traveling by private jet, I alwaysÃ‚Â take along a bicycle and ride itÃ‚Â to my final destination after landing
–Never killed anybody, to the best of my recollection
–Haven’t run overÃ‚Â a creature larger than a June bugÃ‚Â on the highway since 2004
–Recently quit eating meat in between steak dinners
–I’m against testing cosmetics on rabbits, as I believe that “whoring up” a bunny is a perverted hobby and should be illegal
–Gore, Limbaugh, and many others,Ã‚Â don’t “need” theÃ‚Â $1.6 million prize money as badly as I do. This is a chance for the Nobel people to show that they are indeed “fair”
–I once took part in an anti-war protest, albeit accidentally,Ã‚Â after making a wrong turn on my way to buy the swimsuit issue of Guns & Ammo
–My plan toÃ‚Â send a humanitarian shipment ofÃ‚Â 5 tons of Bean-O to Ted Kennedy, if implemented, will cut greenhouse gas emmissions by 35% the first year
–Helped save Africa by purchasing a U2 album. I don’t know exactly how that works, butÃ‚Â I’m toldÃ‚Â it does
–Forward the cause of peace daily by seeking out war mongers and threateningÃ‚Â them withÃ‚Â extreme violenceÃ‚Â if they don’t join the peace movement
With all that going for me, how can I lose?
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