Monday’s Column: Geffen vs. Clintons

Today’s column at WorldNetDaily is about Hollywood mogul David Geffen and his high profile switch in support from the Clintons, both of whom he’s backed for many years, to Barack Obama.

Geffen said the Clintons lie with troubling ease, and is still ticked that Bill Clinton didn’t pardon Leonard Peltier. Is Geffen just now figuring out that the Clintons are liars? Highly doubtful. Read “Why David Geffen won’t pardon the Clintons” for more.

Introducing “The Besieged Politician Blame-Deflecting Press Release Creator â„¢”

Are you a politician who’s gotten into just a little bit of trouble? You and your attorney can’t get on the same page because you got on the wrong page? Tired of having to think up an excuse at the last second? Well, worry no more, because The Besieged Politician Blame Deflecting Press Release Creatorâ„¢ is here.

Don’t end up having to throw your excuses together at the last minute in haphazard fashion. Be prepared!

Just choose what you’ve been accused of, insert the proper information using our exclusive “fill in the blank” technology, and voila, The Besieged Politician Blame Deflecting Press Release Creatorâ„¢ does the rest!

With The Besieged Politician Blame Deflecting Press Release Creatorâ„¢, you get excuses for 199 different crimes, misdemeanors and morally questionable slip-ups — Yes, you heard it right, 199 different crimes, misdemeanors and morally questionable slip-ups — for only $9,999.95!

For the price of the first 10 minutes of a re-election fundraiser, you get quality blame deflecting press releases that can either be faxed or e-mailed to the media, or read at a press conference.

Here’s just one example of what you get when you order The Besieged Politician Blame Deflecting Press Release Creatorâ„¢:

Drunk driving

As most of you now know, (insert time of arrest, i.e. “last night,” “early this morning,” etc.) I was pulled over by officers from the (name of city) police department. As a public figure and servant of the people, I take full responsibility for my actions. I plan to check into an alcohol treatment program to confront the effects of the dreaded disease with which I have been afflicted. In taking full responsibility for my actions, I must confess that, years ago, I was sexually assaulted by (insert “clergy,” “scout leader,” etc.), which caused me to seek relief at the bottom of a bottle, but fortunately that didn’t rob me of my ability to accept full responsibility for this incident (if election year, replace “incident” with “cry for help”).

Being afflicted with Crohn’s colitis (or chronic fatigue syndrome, shingles, painful rectal hematoma, etc.), which was misdiagnosed by a doctor at the (name of out-of-the-way hospital in an area making it difficult for the press to substantiate the claim), made it necessary to seek relief from the physical agony in the form of (name of favorite drink – for men, if the answer is “Cosmopolitan,” use “Vodka martinis” instead).

It’s been a pleasure to serve my constituency in (insert district), not unlike the homeless people I serve turkey and potatoes to on Thanksgiving Day at the (name of nearby shelter), even in the throes of chronic migraines (or diverticulitis, acid reflux disease, etc.). Thank you for your continued support, and God bless you (if in liberal district, delete the God part – if delivering to the Hollywood left, replace “God” with “L. Ron Hubbard”).

**********

Yes, that’s right, and with The Besieged Politician Blame Deflecting Press Release Creatorâ„¢, you get 198 more press releases, all fully customizable! Here’s just a sampling of accusations you’ll be fully prepared to confront:

Intern groping

Punched airport security

Instant messages to pages

The “Kennedy trifecta” (drunk driving, rape, public nudity)

Bribes

Kickbacks

Gay prostitution ring

3 a.m. voicemail

Who’s that woman in my car?

Adultery

“But I’m not gay!”

Felon fundraisers

Highway rest area surprise

Crack smoking

Bestiality

Prescription medication addiction

The “N” word

Botched suicide attempt

Bathhouse bust

Free event tickets

Previous KKK affiliation

How’d that cash get in my freezer?

“Fact-finding mission” to Fiji

Peepshow

High treason

Low treason

Larry Flynt revelations

“She sure looked 18!”

Mysterious staffer disappearance

Bullwhip fetish

Restaurant threesome

And many, many more!

The Besieged Politician Blame Deflecting Press Release Creatorâ„¢. Never be caught unprepared again. To order yours today, call 1-800-RESPONSIBLE or log on at www.SaveMyPoliticalLife.com.

How much is your career worth to you?

Introducing The Besieged Politician Blame-Deflecting Press Release Creator

Are you a politician who’s gotten into just a little bit of trouble? You and your attorney can’t get on the same page because you got on the wrong page? Tired of having to think up an excuse at the last second? Well, worry no more, because The Besieged Politician Blame Deflecting Press Release Creator is here.

Don’t end up having to throw your excuses together at the last minute in haphazard fashion. Be prepared!

Just choose what you’ve been accused of, insert the proper information using our exclusive “fill in the blank” technology, and voila, The Besieged Politician Blame Deflecting Press Release Creator does the rest!

With The Besieged Politician Blame Deflecting Press Release Creator, you get excuses for 199 different crimes, misdemeanors and morally questionable slip-ups. Yes, you heard it right, 199 different crimes, misdemeanors and morally questionable slip-ups — for only $9,999.95!

For the price of the first 10 minutes of a re-election fundraiser, you get quality blame deflecting press releases that can either be faxed or e-mailed to the media, or read at a press conference.

Here’s just one example of what you get when you order The Besieged Politician Blame Deflecting Press Release Creator:

Drunk driving

As most of you now know, (insert time of arrest, i.e. “last night,” “early this morning,” etc.) I was pulled over by officers from the (name of city) police department. As a public figure and servant of the people, I take full responsibility for my actions. I plan to check into an alcohol treatment program to confront the effects of the dreaded disease with which I have been afflicted. In taking full responsibility for my actions, I must confess that, years ago, I was sexually assaulted by (insert “clergy,” “scout leader,” etc.), which caused me to seek relief at the bottom of a bottle, but fortunately that didn’t rob me of my ability to accept full responsibility for this incident (if election year, replace “incident” with “cry for help”).

Being afflicted with Crohn’s colitis (or chronic fatigue syndrome, shingles, painful rectal hematoma, etc.), which was misdiagnosed by a doctor at the (name of out-of-the-way hospital in an area making it difficult for the press to substantiate the claim), made it necessary to seek relief from the physical agony in the form of (name of favorite drink — For men, if the answer is “Cosmopolitan,” use “Vodka martinis” instead).

It’s been a pleasure to serve my constituency in (insert district), not unlike the homeless people I serve turkey and potatoes to on Thanksgiving Day at the (name of nearby shelter), even in the throes of chronic migraines (or diverticulitis, acid reflux disease, etc.). Thank you for your continued support, and God bless you (if in liberal district, delete the God part — if delivering to the Hollywood left, replace “God” with “L. Ron Hubbard”).

**********

Yes, that’s right, and with The Besieged Politician Blame Deflecting Press Release Creator, you get 198 more press releases, all fully customizable! Here’s just a sampling of accusations you’ll be fully prepared to confront:

Intern groping

Punched airport security

Instant messages to pages

The “Kennedy trifecta” (drunk driving, rape, public nudity)

Bribes

Kickbacks

Gay prostitution ring

3 a.m. voicemail

Who’s that woman in my car?

Adultery

“But I’m not gay!”

Felon fundraisers

Highway rest area surprise

Crack smoking

Bestiality

Prescription medication addiction

The “N” word

Botched suicide attempt

Bathhouse bust

Free event tickets

Previous KKK affiliation

Current KKK affiliation

How’d that cash get in my freezer?

“Fact-finding mission” to Fiji

Peepshow

High treason

Low treason

Larry Flynt revelations

“She sure looked 18!”

Mysterious staffer disappearance

Bullwhip fetish

Restaurant threesome

And many, many more!

The Besieged Politician Blame Deflecting Press Release Creator. Never be caught unprepared again. To order yours today, call 1-800-RESPONSIBLE or log on at www.SaveMyPoliticalLife.com.

How much is your career worth to you?

Another Constitutional Crisis: Former ACLU Chapter President Busted For Child Porn

Talk about all your friends rushing to your defense. What do you want to bet that this turns into a constitutional crisis:

Federal agents arrested Charles Rust-Tierney, the former president of the Virginia chapter of the ACLU, Friday in Arlington for allegedly possessing child pornography.

According to a criminal complaint obtained by ABC News, Rust-Tierney allegedly used his e-mail address and credit card to subscribe to and access a child pornography website.

It’s no wonder that a few years ago the ACLU took such offense to H.R. 4623, the “Child Obscenity and Pornography Prevention Act of 2002,” which passed in June of that year. In a letter to Reps. Lamar Smith and Robert Scott, the ACLU wrote that H. R. 4623 violated the Constitution by attempting to outlaw “virtual child pornography,” where no real child was used in the production of the material.

In other words, if you made a movie featuring Max Headroom’s son engaged in a furious backwoods throwdown with Jimmy Neutron in the digital adaptation of Brokeback Mountain, this would be “free speech” and not child pornography according to the ACLU.

So you see, it’s there in the Bill of Rights: You can’t be deprived of life, liberty, or virtual kiddie porn without fair representation by (if not participation in) the ACLU.

Too bad for Charles Rust-Tierney that his pals were unsuccessful in their lobby effort, or he might be able to get off the hook on the “virtual” technicality. I’m sure they’ll come up with some other creative defense though, such as Bush’s illegal cyber-tapping program.

Casting Call For "Gone With the Wind on Broadway"

It had to happen — the classic film “Gone With the Wind” is coming to Broadway.

…a group of producers have secured the rights from the Mitchell estate and are proceeding toward a 2008 production. The big desired star to play Rhett Butler: Hugh Jackman.

This will start a long string of casting suggestions in the coming days, but this got me to thinking about who in politics, or names in the news, would play certain roles in Gone With the Wind.

I’ll have more suggestions as the days go on, but for the role of Ashley Wilkes, Cindy Sheehan is a natural:

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Casting Call For “Gone With the Wind on Broadway”

It had to happen — the classic film “Gone With the Wind” is coming to Broadway.

…a group of producers have secured the rights from the Mitchell estate and are proceeding toward a 2008 production. The big desired star to play Rhett Butler: Hugh Jackman.

This will start a long string of casting suggestions in the coming days, but this got me to thinking about who in politics, or names in the news, would play certain roles in Gone With the Wind.

I’ll have more suggestions as the days go on, but for the role of Ashley Wilkes, Cindy Sheehan is a natural:

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