8 Questions for Al Gore

I’m no climatologist, scientist, geologist, and have formal training in any similar discipline, but there are a few questions that I have concerning Al Gore’s theory of man-made global warming.

Perhaps if Al can answer these convincingly, I’d be more inclined to be less skeptical of his rather sudden tale of climate disaster — which coincidentally comes hot on the heels of the days in elementary school when I was told that a “consensus of scientists” were panicking at a coming ice age.

Michael Crichton, author, M.D. and scientist, has written, where there’s “consensus” there can be no “science.” Why? “When a thing is proven to be a scientific truth, there’s no need for consensus. You never hear somebody say ‘a consensus of scientists agrees that E=mc2.'” Good point, but the “man-made global warming” debate seems to be so important that it transcends the laws of logic, so we’ll scrap the traditional approach and hit it from a different direction.

I won’t bother to point out that there was once a “consensus” of scientists who agreed that the earth was flat and was the center of the universe. They were, of course, wrong, even though those scientists in question would tell you that the solar system altered its physical properties just to spite them (the original “vast right wing conspiracy”). All that aside, here are eight simple questions for Al Gore. Just eight. Nothing fancy. If he can explain them to a layman who has but a fraction of his scientific training, I’m on board.

8. If global warming tops terrorism as the greatest threat to humans, why don’t terrorists just leave their SUVs running instead of blowing them up?

7. How come spending a fortune on natural gas to maintain huge homes and heated pools is justified by “carbon offsets” (offsetting your energy use by, for example, paying for somebody else’s solar panels), but when I offset my SUV by not having a heated pool, I’m not recognized as a “carbon offsetter,” just as a dickweed with a planet destroying SUV?

6. How can you draw in great detail specific scenario of what the weather will be like a hundred years from today and yet not be able to tell me exactly what the overnight low in Paducah will be two weeks from Saturday? To us laymen, this seems to require the blind confidence of believing an archer who tells you he can put an arrow through a soda can at 500 yards — the same person who you’ve noticed can’t hit a bale of hay from 10 feet away. It can’t be that obvious, so there must be something I’m missing and I hope Al can help.

5. Why did you gladly accept an award in front of a world-wide audience of billions, from an industry that is the second largest polluter in the state of California?

4. Which is the reason the polar ice cap on Mars is receding: extraterrestrials driving Hummers, their wives using aerosol hairspray, or Martian bovine flatulence?

3. Why didn’t I hear anything about all this when you were Vice President for eight years, a tenure which ended fairly recently?

2. How come, when 2005 was tied with another year as the “hottest on record,” we flew into a global warming panic, but yet we heard little about this during the year it was tied with: 1998? (I’m guessing that the answer has something to do with the previous question, but I thought I’d ask anyway.

1. When and how did the weather get politically partisan? In other words, how do hurricanes know who the president is? They sure seem to.

I’ll sit back now and await some answers.

As for “carbon offsets,” this sounds about as logical to me as expecting to get off the hook for murder because you offset the killing of one person by impregnating another, but whatever you’ve got to say to convince yourself, Al.