Environmentalists, having tried to get into every other aspect of our lives, are now peeking into our bedrooms and encouraging “green” sex. No, not a threesome with the Jolly Green Giant, but good old ozone-friendly eco-thumping.

It was the next logical step. After all, how do you make “orgasmic” into “organic”? That’s right, you get rid of the S&M.

Looks like oil-based prophylactic and the old diesel-powered vibrators are a thing of the past:

Greenpeace has released a list of strategies for “getting it on for the good of the planet,” suggesting “you can be a bomb in bed without nuking the planet.” TreeHugger, an online magazine edited by Ontario’s Michael Graham Richard, has just published a guide on “how to green your sex life.”

The famed adult store Good Vibrations announced last week they would no longer sell sex toys containing phthalates, controversial chemical plasticizers believed by some to be hazardous to humans and the environment alike.

Now I’m forced to pick those things up in Mexico, along with Cuban cigars and trans fats. I’m assuming that smoking after sex is out of the question, so I won’t even ask.

Here’s my favorite pointer — er, tip. I mean, suggestion (whew!):

…ensuring S&M paddles are made from sustainably harvested timber

Oh, I don’t think so! They can have my California Redwood S&M paddles when they pry them from my cold, KY covered fingers. And don’t even think about trying to take away our baby seal dildos and elephant tusk nipple clamps!

Speaking of KY, boycott the “warming” kind. The last thing we need is more warming.


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