Monthly Archives: April 2007

Candidates Dream Jobs: Tancredo Gets an A+ for Honesty

You can tell a lot about somebody based on what their “dream job” is — unless they’re a politician, because they’re most likely lying.

The A.P. asked all current presidential candidates what their dream job is, and here’s what they said:

Democrats
• Sen. Joe Biden, Delaware: Architect.
• Sen. Hillary Rodham Clinton, New York: “Continue to work for causes and issues I care about, in a setting like a university or foundation.”
• Sen. Chris Dodd, Connecticut: Teacher.
• Former Sen. John Edwards, North Carolina: Mill supervisor.
• Rep. Dennis Kucinich, Ohio: Astronaut.
• Sen. Barack Obama, Illinois: Architect.
• New Mexico Gov. Bill Richardson: Center field, New York Yankees.

Republicans
• Sen. Sam Brownback, Kansas: Farmer.
• Former New York Mayor Rudy Giuliani: Sports announcer.
• Former Arkansas Gov. Mike Huckabee: Bass guitar player for a touring rock band.
• Rep. Duncan Hunter, California: Outdoor writer.
• Sen. John McCain, Arizona: Foreign service.
• Ex-Massachusetts Gov. Mitt Romney: Auto company executive.
• Rep. Tom Tancredo, Colorado: President.

Obviously, Tancredo was the only one telling the truth. Hillary might have been too, but I don’t know exactly what she said other than it appears she’s seeking a consequence-free setting in which to experiment with her bad ideas.

Most of these people are in a position to do exactly what they want with their lives, or at least come close, so let’s put a sock in it and make them admit that, yes, their already doing their dream jobs — or at least striving for it. Except for Kucinich. I thought he already was an astronaut?

John Edwards (formerly “The Breck Girl,” formerly “Silky Pony,” formerly “Pink Sapphire,” currently “Sweaty Pretzel”) would be a mill supervisor? He could be telling the truth as well. Why? Lots of on-the-job accidents at mills. That way, he could wait for somebody to get hurt, offer to be their legal council, and sue the company back into the stone age.

Hillary and Bill's Lingualism: Multi vs. Cunni

Hillary tries to explain her way out of her accent fakery by saying that the United States is ready for a “multilingual president.” Well, we weren’t really ready for her husband’s cunnilingual presidency, so I’m guessing Hillary’s multilingual one wouldn’t be much better.

Hillary’s like most other politicians. She speaks three languages: Cash, check and charge.

Hillary and Bill’s Lingualism: Multi vs. Cunni

Hillary tries to explain her way out of her accent fakery by saying that the United States is ready for a “multilingual president.” Well, we weren’t really ready for her husband’s cunnilingual presidency, so I’m guessing Hillary’s multilingual one wouldn’t be much better.

Hillary’s like most other politicians. She speaks three languages: Cash, check and charge.

Women Town: China Building City Where Females Rule

China’s tourism bureau is investing $26 million in “Women’s Town,” a “tourist attraction” where women are the boss and men get punished for disobedience. Not so surprisingly, the Women’s Town City Hall is an exact replica of my house.

They’re also looking for investors. Here are the basics:

The 2.3-square-km Longshuihu village in the Shuangqiao district of Chongqing municipality, also known as “women’s town,” was based on the local traditional concept of “women rule and men obey,” a tourism official told Reuters.

“Traditional women dominate and men have to be obedient in the areas of Sichuan province and Chongqing, and now we are using it as an idea to attract tourists and boost tourism,” the official, surname Li, said by telephone.

The concept, from a business perspective, is faulty, so I’ll not be investing — besides, my wife won’t let me.

Why won’t a “Women’s Town” boost tourism? Initially, it might, but in the end what man is going to want to pay for something he can do at home, and what woman is going to want to go to a city full of women, all of whom think they’re the boss, and for a few days every month there’s an outburst that makes the Hun look like Howdy Doody? It would be like spending your entire vacation in a staff meeting at Cosmopolitan Magazine.

If by “dominated” they meant leather hoods, ball gags, whips and inversion boots, they might get some male takers, but by making it clear that they mean “dominated” in the Hillary sense of the word, this will draw few if any men. Big mistake, China.

Planned Parenthood's Wall of Narcisissts

Take a look at the pictures on the “Wall of Protest,” which is intended to display outrage with the Supreme Court’s upholding of the partial birth abortion ban. What do all the people pictured there have in common?

On the other side of the debate, the aborted babies wanted to have their own wall of protest, but they’re having trouble uploading the pictures, what with being dead and all.

Click on each picture there and read the captions submitted, and you’ll realize why this should be called the “Wall of Narcisissts.”

“Me, I, my, me, I, me, my, me, I, me, me, me, my, my, I, me, my, my, me, I, me, my, me…”

Here’s a picture and caption that is incredibly sad if you ask me: “My abortion was done out of love.”

If that’s love, then what’s hate?

Planned Parenthood’s Wall of Narcisissts

Take a look at the pictures on the “Wall of Protest,” which is intended to display outrage with the Supreme Court’s upholding of the partial birth abortion ban. What do all the people pictured there have in common?

On the other side of the debate, the aborted babies wanted to have their own wall of protest, but they’re having trouble uploading the pictures, what with being dead and all.

Click on each picture there and read the captions submitted, and you’ll realize why this should be called the “Wall of Narcisissts.”

“Me, I, my, me, I, me, my, me, I, me, me, me, my, my, I, me, my, my, me, I, me, my, me…”

Here’s a picture and caption that is incredibly sad if you ask me: “My abortion was done out of love.”

If that’s love, then what’s hate?

A Baldwin Holiday?

Alec Baldwin wants to quit acting and other endeavors and focus his life on issues of parental alienation. First he should concentrate on child alienation.

Baldwin has a book coming out soon, which I believe is entitled “This thoughtless little piggy went to market with her disgusting bitch of a mom, but no, I’m the bad guy!” Look for it in the children’s section at your favorite bookstore.

Hey, if this keeps him from babbling about politics for the forseeable future, Alec Baldwin’s daughter’s birthday should be a national holiday.

Joe Biden Sets Example for Other Politicians to Follow

This is as uncomfortable as it gets, but I want to praise Senator Joe Biden. That’s right — praise Joe Biden.

Biden, one of the many Democrat presidential candidates who debated last night (there hasn’t been that much weasel on one stage since Riki-Tikki-Tavi: The Musical debuted off-Broadway), was asked a question about some “offensive” comments he’s made in the past — i.e. saying you can’t go into a 7-11 or Dunkin’ Donuts in his state of Delaware without an Indian accent.

Funny how the moderator Brian Williams thought it fit to ask Biden about his comments, but he never confronted Hillary about her “joke” about Ghandi running a gas station in St. Louis. I guess Williams didn’t want to wake up next to a severed horse head.

At any rate, last night, Brian Williams asked this:

“Senator Biden, words have in the past gotten you in trouble — words that were borrowed and words that some found hateful. An editorial in the Los Angeles Times said, ‘In addition to his uncontrolled verbosity, Biden is a gaffe machine.’ Can you reassure voters in this country that you would have the discipline you would need on the world stage?”

Biden responded, “Yes.”

Here’s a short video that should be used as a training tool on brevity for all politicians.

Of course, he’s lying, but anybody who spared us the usual windbag response deserves to go straight to the top of the list of my favorite candidates who I’m not going to vote for.