…and Moses drove down from Mt. Sinai after having spent three hours in a construction zone that siphoned four lanes down to one for no apparent reason while three kids screamed from the backseat.

En route to the Vatican, Moses managed to part one lane into two, but was nonetheless stuck behind a woman who was going 53 mph in the passing lane and talking on her cell phone while applying lipstick as her apparent wingman, an elderly gentlemen in a Stetson hat, kept even pace in the right lane while the reassuring turn signal of his ’72 Skylark notified all other motorists that he would, eventually, turn right.

Once in lighter traffic, Moses gave a wave to a fellow driver who waved back with one finger and a cigarette butt that landed on Moses’ windshield. One of the kids spilled chocolate milk on the seat, and the other two began fighting over whose turn it was to play the Game Boy. Moses coughed as the flatbed pickup truck he was close behind, the rolling equivalent of Gary, Indiana, spewed black smoke for all other motorists to enjoy.

After almost being killed by a man who was attempting to use the median to access the other side of the highway because he’d missed his exit and was positive he could go from zero to 70 and merge in a millisecond instead of turning around at the next exit — which was a full quarter mile out of his way — Moses was almost at his destination.

Moses took the Vatican City exit, at the base of which he was met by an aggressive panhandler with contagious conjunctivitis and a wet hacking cough. Just as the “check oil” light came on, one of the kids got his head stuck in the electric window. But Moses, undaunted, drove on.

While waiting in a long line of cars at a traffic light, the lead car was driven by a man who was searching beneath his seats for a Pearl Jam CD he was certain was somewhere in the car. The light turned green, yet the search continued. Moses resisted honking, but other drivers weren’t as patient. The man made it through the green light, but all others behind him were stuck at the next red as the man proudly drove on, Pearl Jam CD in hand.

Eventually, Moses would arrive at the Vatican. After a short delay, as the entrance gate was jammed and couldn’t be raised, Moses handed the “Ten Commandments for Drivers” to Vatican officials.

The rest is history.


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