Cameron Diaz Apologizes For Bringing Maoist Bag, Hillary Denies Ever Being With Cameron Diaz

Well, Peru’s long national nightmare is over. Cameron Diaz has apologized for carrying bag in Peru which sported a slogan that evoked horrible memories of the Maoist Shining Path insurgency.

I managed to obtain a portion of Diaz’s apology:

People of Peru. I just wanted to say that I am so, like, distraught over what has happened. This is more embarrassing than the time I carried my Slobodan Milosevic suitcase through Sarajevo International Airport.

Just so the people of Peru know, I bought that bag when I was in China — you know, that country that’s like really far away and is named after our dinner plates and makes that plastic joke poop you can get in novelty shops.

Anyways, I bought the bag because I saw it in the window of a trendy shop in Beijing called “It’s hip to be Tiananmen Square” — I liked the red star and Chinese writing on the khaki bag on it because it like totally went with my outfit! The reason I liked it had nothing to do with all the dead people in Peru. Seriously you guys!

As for Mao, I think they called him the chairman because he was kinda short and looked like he was sitting down even when he wasn’t. They say he was responsible for the deaths of tens of millions of his countrymen but I don’t believe that — nobody that mean would be the inspiration for a handbag this totally cool, would they?

Next time I visit Peru I promise to bring accessories that won’t offend the people. I have this adorable Francisco Pizarro tote that you’ll all just love!


Peru incident was “worse than the time I wore that Crystal Nacht shirt into a Jewish deli,” according to the actress.

Author: Doug Powers

Doug Powers is a writer, editor and commentator covering news of the day from a conservative viewpoint with an occasional shot of irreverence and a chaser of snark. Townhall Media writer/editor. alum. Bowling novice. Long-suffering Detroit Lions fan. Contact: