nullThey’re a threat to our way of life and even our very existence. They’re a stain on the very concept of freedom and liberty and must be rooted out and exterminated. They have no place in civilized or even uncivilized society.

Terrorists? Good heavens no — Ann Coulter, Fox News and conservative talk hosts.

Presidential Candidate John Edwards (pictured above left) has done a great service for us in this election cycle by making Americans ask themselves one question: Do we want a complete and utter whiny candy-ass in the White House who doesn’t believe in a war on terror but does believe in a war on conservative commentators? If the answer is “yes,” then God help us — but on the bright side we’ll be able to use some of our big tobacco settlement windfall to pay for our funerals.

Take a look at this video of Edwards whining about his critics, in particular Ann Coulter. John’s upset because of the smears, but any medical professional will tell you that it’s healthy for every pussy to get a Pap once in a while.

I’m all for civilized politics across-the-board, but seriously, if all the presidential candidates were passengers on the Titanic and just heard “women and children first,” Edwards is the one putting on a cocktail dress, stuffing the shirt with a couple of cantaloupes, placing a baby bonnet on a giant salami and heading for the lifeboats. Hillary, of course, is the iceberg, and John McCain’s the one trying to figure out a way to tax the radio operator’s airwave usage.

Nobody points to the left wing’s version of Ann Coulter and cries foul. That’s because the left doesn’t have one — they have hundreds — maybe even thousands or tens of thousands. I don’t know if Edwards pays attention to what’s said about President Bush on any given day, but I can assure him that it’s a little harsher than what’s lobbed at him by Ann Coulter and Rush Limbaugh.

John’s wife Elizabeth has now taken over the heavy lifting for her husband, as the former Senator was dangerously close to coif-fatigue over all this so he’s now using his wife as a human shield. I’ve noticed that even John’s hair is starting to weep. Somebody get Pink Sapphire on the phone, stat!

Elizabeth Edwards called a talk show on which Coulter was appearing and asked her to stop the personal attacks. The Edwards’ fear Coulter so much you’d think Ann was their wacky, right-wing gun-toting neighbor. John Edwards followed up Elizabeth’s plea by calling in and echoing his wife’s sentiments, and then asked the audience to call him if they’ve ever suffered a neck injury from an improperly deployed passenger-side airbag.

Edwards wetting himself over Ann Coulter’s comments comes hot on the heels of his boycotting of any debate sponsored by Fox News. And he wants us to elect him president?

A presidential candidate gets who’s clearly afraid a scrawny blonde columnist and a cable television network probably isn’t the best equipped to protect the nation from Iran, Al Qaeda, Kim Jong Il or any other threat — but dammit, he’ll have shown Fox News, Ann Coulter and the rest of America who’s scared!

John Edwards takes many positions, but lately the position he seems to take most is the fetal one. This, along with a campaign slogan of “Tresemme, ooh la la,” will hopefully be enough to keep Edwards out of the Oval Office and send him back to bump-drafting ambulances on the streets of North Carolina where he belongs.

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