Monthly Archives: June 2007

Seeking Killer Material

For many weeks now, Patrick Knight, who is on death row in Texas for double murder, has promised to tell a joke just before being put down. As a result, he’s been soliciting material from the public and says he’s received dozens of jokes he’s considering telling.

His execution is scheduled for midnight tonight.

It’s probably too late now, but feel free to help him out as he’s still deciding on a joke.

Here’s my submission:

Warden tells the death row inmate “I’ve got a couple of pieces of bad news for you.”

Death row inmate says, “What is it?”

Warden says, “You’re going to be executed today.”

Death row inmate says, “Oh no! What’s the other bad news?”

Warden says, “You have Alzheimer’s disease.”

Death row inmate says, “That’s horrible, but at least I’m not going to be executed today.”

Cameron Diaz Apologizes For Bringing Maoist Bag, Hillary Denies Ever Being With Cameron Diaz

Well, Peru’s long national nightmare is over. Cameron Diaz has apologized for carrying bag in Peru which sported a slogan that evoked horrible memories of the Maoist Shining Path insurgency.

I managed to obtain a portion of Diaz’s apology:

People of Peru. I just wanted to say that I am so, like, distraught over what has happened. This is more embarrassing than the time I carried my Slobodan Milosevic suitcase through Sarajevo International Airport.

Just so the people of Peru know, I bought that bag when I was in China — you know, that country that’s like really far away and is named after our dinner plates and makes that plastic joke poop you can get in novelty shops.

Anyways, I bought the bag because I saw it in the window of a trendy shop in Beijing called “It’s hip to be Tiananmen Square” — I liked the red star and Chinese writing on the khaki bag on it because it like totally went with my outfit! The reason I liked it had nothing to do with all the dead people in Peru. Seriously you guys!

As for Mao, I think they called him the chairman because he was kinda short and looked like he was sitting down even when he wasn’t. They say he was responsible for the deaths of tens of millions of his countrymen but I don’t believe that — nobody that mean would be the inspiration for a handbag this totally cool, would they?

Next time I visit Peru I promise to bring accessories that won’t offend the people. I have this adorable Francisco Pizarro tote that you’ll all just love!

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Peru incident was “worse than the time I wore that Crystal Nacht shirt into a Jewish deli,” according to the actress.

Fred Thompson, Ladies Man

There was an article in the UK’s Sunday Times about possible presidential candidate Fred Thompson’s past as a ladies man.

It sure is nice to read about a politician whose reminiscence of past dealings with women brings a tear to his eye for reasons other than mace flashbacks. Not only does Thompson seem to like the women, but they like him.

Here are a couple of snips from the article, and where Fred may run into some problems:

In the battle for the women’s vote, Fred Thompson has a secret weapon against Hillary Clinton – the legions of former girlfriends who still adore him and who want him to be president.

Who says Hillary doesn’t have the same secret weapon? Watch out, Fred.

Here’s why country singer Lorrie Morgan likes Fred:

“Fred is a perfect example of chivalry. He’s the kind of man little girls dream about marrying, who opens doors for you, lights your cigarettes, helps you on with your coat, buys wonderful gifts. It’s every woman’s fantasy.”

Lights their Cigarettes? Oh my. Nowadays this known by a different name: Bic-assisted homicide. How else did Fred “help” women? By cooking dinners laced with trans-fats and making out with them on the porch under the warm and environmentally deadly glow of an incandescent light bulb?

Morgan continues:

“I think he has a great chance of capturing the women’s vote. He’s majestic. He’s a soft, safe place to be and that could be Fred’s ticket. Women love a soft place to lay and a strong pair of hands to hold us.”

This kind of talk just has to chap the Birkenstocks of the National Organization for Women, who haven’t had access to a soft place to lay and a strong pair of hands to hold them since Molly Yard passed away and took Jane Fonda’s down-filled NVA quilt with her.

In spite of recent movements to feminize men and masculinize women, Thompson’s chivalry will be a welcome respite for traditional females, not to mention men, who long for a day when we all knew what in the hell we were supposed to do and say when we were in the same room together.

Besides, it’s been decades since we’ve had a presidential candidate from a southern state whose way of asking a woman out on a date wasn’t to drop his pants and say “how ’bout a smooch for lil’ Bubba?”

There's Something (Stupid) About Cameron

What’s Quechuan for “idiot actress”? Whatever it is, I’m sure it’s being said quite a bit in South America.

This weekend, a major zoological discovery was made. A rare form of Peruvian dingbat with a Malibu to Lima migratory pattern was spotted in Aguas Calientes, Peru.

From Yahoo News:

Actress Cameron Diaz appears to have committed a major fashion faux pas in Peru. The voice of Princess Fiona in the animated “Shrek” films may have inadvertently offended Peruvians who suffered decades of violence from a Maoist guerrilla insurgency by touring here Friday with a bag emblazoned with one of Mao Zedong’s favorite political slogans.

Sounds like some sensitivity, not to mention historical, training is in order. You have to wonder why people like Diaz, who relish in the proud handbag promotion of Maoism, don’t just move to China if it’s such a great system. Or Cuba. Or Venezuela.

Why? Because Diaz can make millions acting in the U.S., or she could move to China and make 75 Yuan a week for playing the lead in “If They Could See Me Mao” at the Wuhan Community Playhouse. Cameron’s desire to make a fortune and have access to little things like human rights trumps any urge she might have to live in a country that practices what she promotes.

By the way, when someone asked Diaz why she was carrying a pro-Mao bag, she replied “Because the strap broke on my Pol Pot purse.”

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“Say nainao!”

There’s Something (Stupid) About Cameron

What’s Quechuan for “idiot actress”? Whatever it is, I’m sure it’s being said quite a bit in South America.

This weekend, a major zoological discovery was made. A rare form of Peruvian dingbat with a Malibu to Lima migratory pattern was spotted in Aguas Calientes, Peru.

From Yahoo News:

Actress Cameron Diaz appears to have committed a major fashion faux pas in Peru. The voice of Princess Fiona in the animated “Shrek” films may have inadvertently offended Peruvians who suffered decades of violence from a Maoist guerrilla insurgency by touring here Friday with a bag emblazoned with one of Mao Zedong’s favorite political slogans.

Sounds like some sensitivity, not to mention historical, training is in order. You have to wonder why people like Diaz, who relish in the proud handbag promotion of Maoism, don’t just move to China if it’s such a great system. Or Cuba. Or Venezuela.

Why? Because Diaz can make millions acting in the U.S., or she could move to China and make 75 Yuan a week for playing the lead in “If They Could See Me Mao” at the Wuhan Community Playhouse. Cameron’s desire to make a fortune and have access to little things like human rights trumps any urge she might have to live in a country that practices what she promotes.

By the way, when someone asked Diaz why she was carrying a pro-Mao bag, she replied “Because the strap broke on my Pol Pot purse.”

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“Say nainao!”

Simulated Trip to Mars, American Style

The European Space Agency is looking for twelve volunteers for a simulated trip to Mars that will take place in Moscow.

You’d better apply soon (application here), as over 2,000 applications have already been submitted to project manager Jennifer Ngo-Anh, whose surname just happens to be the exact sound that you’ll make while pulling 9 g’s on the training centrifuge.

All candidates, in order to qualify for consideration for the Mars500 project, must be from Canada (in the event ice is discovered on the Red Planet the ESA will need access to the Canucks advanced Zamboni technology) or one of 15 European countries. I think this means that George Clooney qualifies.

The ESA experiment will last almost a year and a half. A dozen people will be placed in a small fish bowl of isolation and observed for any signs of insanity, personality changes, cracking under stress and inconsistent behavior. Also, access to showers will be limited and there is no smoking or drinking of any sort.

Though this is new to Europe, Americans have been doing it for years — it’s called presidential campaign season.

If Jennifer Ngo-Anh needs any advice, I hope she remembers to call the RNC or the DNC.

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In 2004, John Kerry, above, underwent rigorous training similar to Europe’s Mars500 experiment, and just this year, Hillary Clinton suffered a serious flight training accident

Michael Moore's Wein-ing

nullThe early buzz on Michael Moore’s new movie, Sicko, had been mostly about Hillary Clinton, and not in a good way for the health care reform pusher/pharmaceutical campaign donation reservoir in a pantsuit.

Moore claims that Harvey Weinstein, big time Hillary supporter and man whose company financed Sicko, begged Moore to remove a scene exposing Hillary at the second-highest recipient of campaign donations from the health care industry.

Concerning all parties involved, I think Frank Drebin said it best in The Naked Gun 2 1/2: “It looks like the cows have come home to roost.”

Michael Moore’s Wein-ing

nullThe early buzz on Michael Moore’s new movie, Sicko, had been mostly about Hillary Clinton, and not in a good way for the health care reform pusher/pharmaceutical campaign donation reservoir in a pantsuit.

Moore claims that Harvey Weinstein, big time Hillary supporter and man whose company financed Sicko, begged Moore to remove a scene exposing Hillary at the second-highest recipient of campaign donations from the health care industry.

Concerning all parties involved, I think Frank Drebin said it best in The Naked Gun 2 1/2: “It looks like the cows have come home to roost.”

The Shareness Doctrine: Because Fair is Fair

Some liberals are on a desperate search for a talk radio fairy — a magical winged partner to the tooth fairy whose job is to knock the teeth out of the First Amendment and then “level the playing field” of talk radio. “Level” isn’t exactly the word — it’s more like strip mining.

A recent report by “The Center for American Progress” (pretend “center” and “progress” aren’t mutually exclusive for the purposes of this article) found that 91% of talk radio is conservative, with the liberal view taking up just 9%. Does this simply mean that most talk radio listeners are demanding or at least more intrigued by conservative content and hosts? It must not.

Many Democrats are again seeking reinstatement of the Fairness Doctrine, because you’re too stupid to know that other viewpoints exist. Yes, it is also assumed that talk radio listeners don’t have access to PBS, NPR, the USA Today, New York Times, CNN, CBS, ABC, NBC, Time, Newsweek, LA Times and the news pages of The Wall Street Journal, 90% of squawking Hollywood actors and the vast majority of college professors. Gee, as a listener of right wing talk radio, I’m being oppressed and I didn’t even know it.

The Fairness Doctrine was repealed in 1987 because it violated the First Amendment. Constitution schmonstitution. The Fairness Doctrine will return, because intrusive and bad ideas from DC liberals are like courtrooms and Marion Barry: You rarely see one without the other, and even when you do, you know they’ll be back together soon.

The government (read: you and I) already finances NPR and PBS, and these entities are hardly right-wing. Where’s the reciprocal “fairness” of the government giving money to a notoriously conservative television and radio network? If there’s one thing we’re shown at a young age, it’s that “fair” is a one-way street, and thanks to a looming Fairness Doctrine, that one-way street could be about to be repaved, extended, and will somehow probably end up being named after Robert Byrd.

All this talk of “fairness” is strategically limited to talk radio, where, on a national level, liberal voices are about as popular as Trent Lott in Watts.

Up to this point, the left’s foray into syndicated talk radio has been a directionless disaster, the likes of which haven’t been seen since Fred Noonan turned to Amelia Earhart and said, “I thought you brought the map.”

Back when Air America was beginning and in its pre-bankruptcy days, I read and heard many people, from columnists to radio talk hosts, saying that if we wished to avoid another Fairness Doctrine, everybody should do their best to support Air America to ensure its success. We didn’t, and I don’t believe that doing something I don’t want to do just so an entity won’t remove some of our freedoms is the proper way to go about it.

Calling for the artificial support of a particular entity just to keep the government from implementing another unconstitutional law is, in a manner of speaking, appeasing despotism. In other words, it’s way too Jimmy Carter-ish for my taste and is like burning yourself at the stake to avoid being tried as a witch.

That said, here’s a modest proposal. I’ll go ahead and support a “Fairness Doctrine” — as long as it’s across-the-board. Let’s call it a “Shareness Doctrine.” After all, “fair” isn’t fair unless everybody’s forced to participate. What do I mean? Well, a recent study found that around 90% of journalists give to Democrats and left-of-center causes.

In the name of fairness, we should demand our news emanate from equal sources or at least politically balanced. If half of all reporters are Republicans, and half are Democrats, the odds that we’ll have more “fairness” in reporting are greatly increased.

And while we’re at it, what about university faculty? We need a “shareness doctrine” for those who teach on our college campuses as well. On many campuses, liberal professors outnumber conservative professors to a percentage not seen since the battle of Thermopylae. Is this “fair”? I didn’t think so.

Then it’s on to Hollywood films and network television shows. What percentage of these have a liberal slant or message? I’m guessing the majority. This is an area definitely in need of the Shareness Doctrine as well.

The fact that those areas of life completely dominated by liberals are never mentioned as being in need of a “fairness” bulldozer tells us something about the political makeup of those consumed by targeted fairness — and they all just happen to be on one side of the aisle. What’s fair about that?

Terms "Journalist" and "Democrat" Near Official Redundant Status

One out of nine journalists in America leans to the right? I had no idea it was that many.

From MSNBC:

MSNBC.com identified 144 journalists who made political contributions from 2004 through the start of the 2008 campaign, according to the public records of the Federal Election Commission. Most of the newsroom checkbooks leaned to the left: 125 journalists gave to Democrats and liberal causes. Only 17 gave to Republicans.

Tomorrow’s unbiased New York Times headline for this story: “Study: 10% of journalists are racist”