A. Whitney Brown, who was a writer for Saturday Night Live in the early to mid 80’s, is featured on the Daily Kos. Why? Brown “supports the troops” in a fashion that suggests he’s attempting to fill the void that will be left after voters in Minnesota send Al Franken to Congress.
Here are some snips from Brown’s commentary:
Hello, IÃ¢â‚¬â„¢m A. Whitney Brown, and I support our brave troops overseas… We all do and we all should.
…But to answer the question, what I mean when I say I support our troops is that I actually pay for their food, their ammo, their upkeep, transport, everything. I pay for all of it. And I do that not only because IÃ¢â‚¬â„¢m a patriotic American, although I am, but also because they take 35% out of my check every week and if I donÃ¢â‚¬â„¢t pay it I will end up in jail.
That is what I mean by Ã¢â‚¬ËœI support our troopsÃ¢â‚¬â„¢. I mean I am involuntarily, under threat of prison, forced to pay for their support. Now do I resent that? YouÃ¢â‚¬â„¢re damn right I do. Because it is stupid as hell. Other countries pay taxes, but they get something for it, like health care. What do I get? I get to kill a bunch of Iraqis. Whoopdeedoo.
What am I going to do with a bunch of dead Iraqis? Plus I donÃ¢â‚¬â„¢t even get to keep them. I mean, I might like to have a skull or something to use as a paperweight, on my desk. IÃ¢â‚¬â„¢m not saying I would, but it might be a nice gesture to send out a few skulls out to those of us who are paying the cost.
You know you can adopt a kid for 15 dollars a month in Brazil or somewhere and you get pictures of them living their miserable lives. But I have paid hundreds of dollars in taxes over my lifetime, hundreds of dollars, and I donÃ¢â‚¬â„¢t have so much as a single picture of an Iraqi child that I paid to have killed. It would be nice to just have something, you know, to remember them by… a picture, a lock of hair, perhaps a necklace of ears…
So yes, I resent my support for the killing of Iraqis for which I get not even a memento or trophy. But do I still support the individual men and women who have given so much to serve their country? No. I think theyÃ¢â‚¬â„¢re a bunch of idiots. I also think theyÃ¢â‚¬â„¢re morally retarded. Because they sign a contract that says they will kill whoever you tell me to kill. And that is morally retarded.
Friends, the most important moral decision a man makes in the course of a day is “Who am I going to kill today?” ThatÃ¢â‚¬â„¢s a decision you should agonize over, dream about, rehearse in your mind for hours, not just leave up to some hare-brained President you didnÃ¢â‚¬â„¢t even vote for….
…So to sum up, I donÃ¢â‚¬â„¢t like our troops, I donÃ¢â‚¬â„¢t like what theyÃ¢â‚¬â„¢re doing, I donÃ¢â‚¬â„¢t like their fat, whining families, and yet, I support them. Thank God I live in a free country. Thank You.
Here’s a rebuttal in the comments section:
IÃ¢â‚¬â„¢m reading this from Baghdad, shortly before I leave my FOB for a little jaunt into the red zone. And I have to say, I find your point refreshingly honest.
Of course, being a soldier (actually a sailor, but weÃ¢â‚¬â„¢re all soldiers now) I think your words are factually incorrect and morally bankrupt, but refreshing nonetheless. I understand that a lot of people oppose this war, and IÃ¢â‚¬â„¢m fine with that. What makes me angry is when people use “I support our troops” as a fig leaf for opposing everything we do. “Support our troops, Bring them Home!” strikes me as one of the most craven, hypocritical bromides to ever bubble up from an activist committee or political focus group.
Your diatribe is dishonest because it ascribes evil motive and intent to one party (the US military) without evidence or proof while ignoring the empirical evidence of evil motive and intent given to us every day by Al-Qaeda and the other fascists we fight, people who deliberately target civilians. It also attacks the military strategy weÃ¢â‚¬â„¢ve enacted to oppose the fascists without offering an alternative, which I see as the greatest flaw of the anti-war movement.
But I like the fact youÃ¢â‚¬â„¢re honestly anti-military. I respect an open opponent more than one who pretends to embrace me only to hide the raising of the knife.
To which Brown replies in part:
I sincerely apologize for any offense you might have taken. It was not my intent to defame or offend anyone who might sign a piece of paper saying they are available to kill whoever their marginally superior officer tells them to, wherever they are sent, for 1200 dollars a month.
Maybe Brown takes such an elitist approach and assumes the troops are all stupid because, well, how bright can you be to go and risk your life for idiots like A. Whitney Brown? Let’s face it, that logic is iron-clad.
Comments like these are more political in nature though, having more to do with Bush than the troops. The military supported Bush overwhelmingly in two elections. To be led into an unjust war by a moron is one thing, but for those same people to vote for that moron in droves makes the military reprehensibly imbecilic in leftist eyes — orbs that suffer from ivory-tower induced myopia that has rendered them legally blind.
When will the military be relevant, necessary and non-evil? The answer is simple: When terrorists, Chinese tanks or any other physical threat foreign or domestic is sitting in front of A. Whitney Brown’s house.
As for the opinion of Brown’s commentary of those serving in the military, I can only paraphrase a scene from the movie Stripes:
Someone pokes Brown in the chest and says, “A. Whitney, one of these men may save your life one of these days!”
Then a soldier says, “Then again, maybe one of us won’t.”