Monthly Archives: July 2007

Dirty Words You Can Say on Television

The FCC is famous for levying heavy fines for stations putting anything on the air that is remotely outside of their “decency” guidelines, but they have recently approved a television station on Maui with call letters that — well, let’s just say, is a homonym that if spoken will get you slapped to death at the ladies auxiliary luncheon.

I give you the new FCC-approved television station, KUNT-TV.

This poses couple of questions: 1) How much should the FCC fine itself for this vulgar travesty? And 2) How long before the station’s t-shirt sales eclipse their on-air advertising revenue?

Where's Teddy? The 50 Most Beautiful People on Capitol Hill

TheHill.com has a feature entitled The 50 Most Beautiful People on Capitol Hill.

At first I thought that being one of the “most beautiful” people in Congress is like being the best ballerina in Lubbock, but then I checked the list and it contains a lot of aids and staffers to various Reps. and Senators. However, Nancy Pelosi ranks #4 on the list (click here to see Nancy in her most famous film role ever).

Let this be a lesson for anybody who wants to be on the “most beautiful” list: Power + a facelift utilizing suspension bridge technology = hot sexy!

Which member of Congress combined with all their office employees is collectively the most beautiful? The “90210” awards goes to Rep. Mary Bono.

Incidentally, there was a 500-way tie for “Ugliest people on Capitol Hill.”

Where’s Teddy? The 50 Most Beautiful People on Capitol Hill

TheHill.com has a feature entitled The 50 Most Beautiful People on Capitol Hill.

At first I thought that being one of the “most beautiful” people in Congress is like being the best ballerina in Lubbock, but then I checked the list and it contains a lot of aids and staffers to various Reps. and Senators. However, Nancy Pelosi ranks #4 on the list (click here to see Nancy in her most famous film role ever).

Let this be a lesson for anybody who wants to be on the “most beautiful” list: Power + a facelift utilizing suspension bridge technology = hot sexy!

Which member of Congress combined with all their office employees is collectively the most beautiful? The “90210” awards goes to Rep. Mary Bono.

Incidentally, there was a 500-way tie for “Ugliest people on Capitol Hill.”

Piercing the Earmarks

The House defense bill passed out of subcommittee on Wednesday, and there are 1,776 earmarks contained therein. 1776? That Congress is so patriotic.

Porkbusters has a list of all the requests, and the House member making the request.

Below are some actual earmarks in the appropriations bill that I’ve taken the liberty of translating from “expense justification” language into English for your convenience.:

–Cold Weather Layering System = Jackets

–Extended Cold Weather Clothing Hand Protection System = Gloves

–Remote Environmental Monitoring and Diagnostics in the Perishables Supply Chain = Portable refrigerators

–Rapid Response Force Protection System = Guard towers & fences

–High-Power Microwave System for Vehicle Immobilization = Car blower-upper and popcorn maker

–Nano-Crystalline Cement for High Strength, Rapid Curing Concrete with Improved Blast Resistance = Somebody’s about to get a new driveway

–Ceramic Manufacturing Technology for Helicopter Rotor Blade Erosion Protection = 100,000 cans of Rustoleum

–C-130 Active Noise Cancellation = Huge muffler

–Mission Hospital Computer Physician Order Entry Initiative = Hire a couple of typists

–Man Overboard Identification (MOBI) System = Toe tags

–Contextual Arabic Blog and Slang Analysis Program = How to tell if someone’s calling you an asshole in Farsi

–Dual-Stage Ultra-Reliable Water Filtration Technology Development = Brita awarded gov’t contract thanks to huge campaign donation to Rep. Peter Visclosky

–Assessment of Alternative Energy for Aircraft Ground Equipment = Hybrid gas trucks

–Inertia Reel Restraint System Retrofit = New seat belts

–Unmanned Threat Emitter Modernization = New sirens

–Ballistic Missile Range Safety Technology = “Do not enter: Ballistic missile testing range” signs

–Environmental Bioterrorism Detection Program = Parakeet, cage

–Vibration Management Enhancement Program = Shock absorbers

–Heavy Duty Hybrid Vehicle = Fortified Prius

–Spherical Airship R&D = Making frisbees

–Active Combustion Control System for Military Aircraft = In-flight fire extinguishers

–76mm Super Rapid Medium Caliber Gun System Explosives Safety Review = $5.5 million study to determine if bullets are dangerous

–Tactical Wheeled Vehicle Structures for Improved Survivability and Performance = New tires

–Advanced Photovoltaic Material Integration Development = Solar panels

–Counterinsurgency Biometrics Tactical Census Authentication Enrollment and Identification System = I.D. cards

–Mac Dill Air Force Base Online Technology Program = Computers

–Green Product Evaluation and Implementation Program = War zone carbon credits

–Expendable Airdrop Delivery Systems = Dropping stuff out of a plane without a parachute

–Full Spectrum Active Protection Close-In Layered Shield for Thin-Skinned Vehicles = Kevlar car cozy

–Space Situational Awareness = Coffee vs. no coffee

–Kinetic Hydropower System Turbine = Water wheel

–Urban Warfare Analysis Center = New government office in the country near a golf course

–Fully Integrated Solar Powered Interior Lighting Technology = Sun roof

Here are the rest of the earmarks and who requested them.

Wow, that was a lot of bureaucrat-speak to decipher. I could really use a Bottomed Cylindrical De-Apertured Dihydrogen Monoxide Repository (glass of water) I’m parched.

Update: Somebody, who I presume is or has been a member of the military, wrote and said that “Expendable Airdrop Delivery Systems” are in fact new pallets. “Currently we have to recover the Aluminum ones. I wouldn’t want to go into hostile territory for a couple pallets.”

That’s exactly my point — What’s the difference between “expendable airdrop delivery systems” and “pallets”? I’m guessing several million dollars.

It’s important to keep in mind that “earmarks” are supposed to be items that were left out — either on purpose or accidentally — from the original budget, and do not themselves make up the budget.

So when I see some of these rather large earmarks that are basic safety items for our troops, such as helmet inserts, it makes me wonder 1) why the hell they weren’t in the original defense budget, and/or 2) is it an unnecessary redundancy being provided just to get some fat cat Congressman some pork votes.

Weekly World News, RIP: Mourning the Passing of an Intentionally Fake Newspaper

nullThe newspaper famous for its wildly fabricated stories, crazy reporting of often completely fictional events, and doctored and staged photos is closing the doors on its print business. No, not the New York Times — I’m referring to The Weekly World News:

Owner American Media Inc. announced that the tabloid’s Aug. 27 issue will be the last. Its brief statement blamed “challenges in the retail and wholesale magazine marketplace that have impacted the newsstand.”

The check-out line will be a little emptier this fall. Sure, we still have the Times, CNN, Dan Rather and many others, but I much prefer my fake news to be intentional, so it’s with great sadness that we bid adieu to the Weekly World News.

No more “Bush shakes hands with space alien,” “Dick Cheney is a robot,” “Bat Boy leads cops on 3 state chase,” or excerpts from Lincoln’s Gettysburg dress:

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“Sic semper beer goggles!”

Rest in peace, Weekly World News. The mainstream media is a little less accurate now that you’re gone.

Ski Business Downhill After Impeachment Resolution

Today’s example of what happens when you don’t heed the business axiom “know your customer” is brought to you by the Telluride, Colorado Town Council:

A backlash quickly emerged after the Telluride Town Council adopted a resolution last week calling for the impeachment of President George W. Bush and Vice President Dick Cheney.

“It’s huge, unbelievable,” said Telluride Mayor John Pryor. “Ski groups are canceling for the winter. Hundreds of people are bailing. The (town) Web site is flooded with people saying they’re canceling their vacations here.”

On the plus side, Telluride would be well advised to batton down in preparation for a Code Pink avalanche.

Save The Planet, Run Yourself Into Debt

There’s a reason they call it “going green,” and it’s has nothing to do with plants and trees:

General Electric Co. said on Wednesday it is launching the first U.S. credit card with rewards dedicated to reducing cardholders’ carbon emissions.

A panel of environmentalists and GE executives will discuss what the company called “greening” of consumer finances and the impact of the card on the environment at its launch in New York on Wednesday, GE said in a statement.

I’ll pass on these particular “carbon credits” and wait for a credit card company to offer “credit credits,” which is agreeing to knock 1% off our interest rate for every tree we plant. How much do they really care about the environment?

Don’t hold your breath waiting for that one. Or, on second thought, do hold your breath. You might get lucky and be considered somebody’s carbon credit.

Save the earth at a 19.5% interest rate? Wouldn’t it be easier if we all just gave up tangerines.

The Spence is Killing Me: Fred Thompson Finds New Official for Unofficial Campaign

Fred Thompson announced that his official presidential campaign that does not officially exist is changing non-existent gears.

Thompson’s presidential campaign will still unofficially exist in an officially speculative sense, but now former Michigan Senator Spencer Abraham will act as Thompson’s campaign manager, at least until the campaign is officially announced — the unofficial date of that official announcement is set for post-Labor Day, according to an unofficial official for Thompson’s currently hypothetical campaign.

Here’s a photo of Thompson’s new officially unofficial manager for his unconfirmed campaign:

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Wait, that’s Jon Lovitz. I think I have a picture of Abraham around here somewhere… oh yes, here it is:

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With Thompson running strong in the Republican race, even though he’s not a formal candidate, look for Fred to be the first person elected president who never declared himself a candidate. It’s the best thing to do — when “none of the above” is the desire of so many, don’t rise to “above” status.

Michigan conservatives might cringe at Spence “open borders” Abraham running Thompson’s non-campaign, but as long as the campaign is unofficial, there’s no reason to officially worry. If you want to unofficially worry until Thompson’s official announcement, that’s your business.

In any case, I tend to lean toward the candidate who makes me the least officially ill for the shortest period of time, and so far that candidate is Fred Thompson — unofficially.

Some Days I Envy the Blind

If any of you are on a diet right now, this will help facilitate it.

The launch party for Hillary Clinton’s new headquarters in San Francisco was held yesterday, and it was crashed by members of Code Pink (so named in honor of all the Pepto Bismol you have to drink after seeing them) and a group called “Breasts, Not Bombs.”

Zombie was there, camera and barf-bag in hand. I might have to borrow one of Jimmy B’s .45’s to get some of these pictures out of my head.

The name “Breasts, Not Bombs” is somewhat ironic, because they threw around some serious breast-bombs. I haven’t seen this many drooping boobs since watching the CNN staff during John Kerry’s concession speech.

“Breasts, Not Bombs” set out to prove two things: 1) War is bad, and 2) Newton’s law of gravity.

Mission accomplished!

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Protest posed burning questions, such as “Why did Hillary vote for the war?” And, “Why does the woman in the middle have a goatee?”

(h/t to LGF)

Idiot Troops: 'Then Again, Maybe One of Us Won't…'

A. Whitney Brown, who was a writer for Saturday Night Live in the early to mid 80’s, is featured on the Daily Kos. Why? Brown “supports the troops” in a fashion that suggests he’s attempting to fill the void that will be left after voters in Minnesota send Al Franken to Congress.

Here are some snips from Brown’s commentary:

Hello, I’m A. Whitney Brown, and I support our brave troops overseas… We all do and we all should.

…But to answer the question, what I mean when I say I support our troops is that I actually pay for their food, their ammo, their upkeep, transport, everything. I pay for all of it. And I do that not only because I’m a patriotic American, although I am, but also because they take 35% out of my check every week and if I don’t pay it I will end up in jail.

That is what I mean by ‘I support our troops’. I mean I am involuntarily, under threat of prison, forced to pay for their support. Now do I resent that? You’re damn right I do. Because it is stupid as hell. Other countries pay taxes, but they get something for it, like health care. What do I get? I get to kill a bunch of Iraqis. Whoopdeedoo.

What am I going to do with a bunch of dead Iraqis? Plus I don’t even get to keep them. I mean, I might like to have a skull or something to use as a paperweight, on my desk. I’m not saying I would, but it might be a nice gesture to send out a few skulls out to those of us who are paying the cost.

You know you can adopt a kid for 15 dollars a month in Brazil or somewhere and you get pictures of them living their miserable lives. But I have paid hundreds of dollars in taxes over my lifetime, hundreds of dollars, and I don’t have so much as a single picture of an Iraqi child that I paid to have killed. It would be nice to just have something, you know, to remember them by… a picture, a lock of hair, perhaps a necklace of ears…

So yes, I resent my support for the killing of Iraqis for which I get not even a memento or trophy. But do I still support the individual men and women who have given so much to serve their country? No. I think they’re a bunch of idiots. I also think they’re morally retarded. Because they sign a contract that says they will kill whoever you tell me to kill. And that is morally retarded.

Friends, the most important moral decision a man makes in the course of a day is “Who am I going to kill today?” That’s a decision you should agonize over, dream about, rehearse in your mind for hours, not just leave up to some hare-brained President you didn’t even vote for….

…So to sum up, I don’t like our troops, I don’t like what they’re doing, I don’t like their fat, whining families, and yet, I support them. Thank God I live in a free country. Thank You.

Here’s a rebuttal in the comments section:

I’m reading this from Baghdad, shortly before I leave my FOB for a little jaunt into the red zone. And I have to say, I find your point refreshingly honest.

Of course, being a soldier (actually a sailor, but we’re all soldiers now) I think your words are factually incorrect and morally bankrupt, but refreshing nonetheless. I understand that a lot of people oppose this war, and I’m fine with that. What makes me angry is when people use “I support our troops” as a fig leaf for opposing everything we do. “Support our troops, Bring them Home!” strikes me as one of the most craven, hypocritical bromides to ever bubble up from an activist committee or political focus group.

Your diatribe is dishonest because it ascribes evil motive and intent to one party (the US military) without evidence or proof while ignoring the empirical evidence of evil motive and intent given to us every day by Al-Qaeda and the other fascists we fight, people who deliberately target civilians. It also attacks the military strategy we’ve enacted to oppose the fascists without offering an alternative, which I see as the greatest flaw of the anti-war movement.

But I like the fact you’re honestly anti-military. I respect an open opponent more than one who pretends to embrace me only to hide the raising of the knife.

To which Brown replies in part:

I sincerely apologize for any offense you might have taken. It was not my intent to defame or offend anyone who might sign a piece of paper saying they are available to kill whoever their marginally superior officer tells them to, wherever they are sent, for 1200 dollars a month.

Maybe Brown takes such an elitist approach and assumes the troops are all stupid because, well, how bright can you be to go and risk your life for idiots like A. Whitney Brown? Let’s face it, that logic is iron-clad.

Comments like these are more political in nature though, having more to do with Bush than the troops. The military supported Bush overwhelmingly in two elections. To be led into an unjust war by a moron is one thing, but for those same people to vote for that moron in droves makes the military reprehensibly imbecilic in leftist eyes — orbs that suffer from ivory-tower induced myopia that has rendered them legally blind.

When will the military be relevant, necessary and non-evil? The answer is simple: When terrorists, Chinese tanks or any other physical threat foreign or domestic is sitting in front of A. Whitney Brown’s house.

As for the opinion of Brown’s commentary of those serving in the military, I can only paraphrase a scene from the movie Stripes:

Someone pokes Brown in the chest and says, “A. Whitney, one of these men may save your life one of these days!”

Then a soldier says, “Then again, maybe one of us won’t.”