Dennis Miller Turns Way Left (a bit of satire)

LOS ANGELES, (PTBNS): Comedian and radio talk show host Dennis Miller, who, shortly after 9/11, made it publicly known that he had taken a big swing to the political right, has inexplicably swung back to the left–the far left.

“I’ve been studying Marxist/Leninist philosophy, and I’ve got to say, I’m more fulfilled than Michael Moore after being locked overnight in a Krispy Kreme. I couldn’t be more perked up and excited if I were Lindsay Lohan on her way to Pablo Escobar’s birthday party,” said Miller.

Mr. Miller continued delving into the reasons why he’s switching political allegiance from libertarian/conservative to Marxist/Leninist.

“Marx’s ‘Das Kapital’ is a tough read — it’s harder than Michael Jackson in a sauna full of Cub Scouts, babe — but once I got a grip on it and was no longer as intimidated as an ailurophobe stuck in an elevator with the cast of CATS, my brain was doing more giddy undulation than the directors cut of the orgy scene in ‘Eyes Wide Shut.'”

When asked why he’s declaring himself a Marxist at this juncture in his career, Miller was candid. “Marx hung with this cat named Friedrich Engels, who was sort of Karl’s version of Kato Kaelin, but only a better actor. Engels said that, ‘an ounce of action is worth a ton of theory.'”

“Well,” Miller continued, “it’s time for action, babe. Words alone are as valuable as an endorsement by Michael Dukakis. I want an uprising of the lower classes, and I want the upper classes to know what it’s like to struggle more than Ernest Borgnine trying to get into a wet suit to shoot the SCUBA scene in McHale’s Navy. I won’t let up until the ruling classes are as freaked out as a church DJ watching Oedipus and his old lady grind at the mother/son dance, okay?”

For now, Miller doesn’t see himself changing political direction for a while. “I’m going to ride this thing like it’s Carmen Electra and I’m Jamie Foxx. I’ll only stop when I see the ruling classes go down like Rex Reed at Barney Frank’s re-election soiree, and the inevitable transfer of wealth makes Kruschev sprout a woody so big that his casket lid flies farther than a Pujols homer.”

Miller acknowledged that the switch hasn’t been easy. “Sure, I’ve taken more verbal abuse than a Jewish cop who just pulled over Mel Gibson, but there’s also a sizable segment of my audience that is happier than Eleanor Roosevelt at a Lilith Fair concert to see me come out for Marxism.”

Acknowledging that his mind “changes more often than Cher backstage at the Mirage,” Miller nonetheless insists he’s a Marxist for life.

“There’s a better chance of Hansjurgen Johansen flying back to Kiev on a Whiffledorf than there is of me switching party affiliations again.”

This reporter didn’t understand that last part.

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Capitalism “left me casting more disapproving stares than Al Gore driving through Gary, Indiana” according to Miller.

Note: This is obviously satire, which I enjoy writing on rare occasion, but I have to make a note of this because too often real life events are so silly that they blur the frightening line between fiction and reality

Since When Can't the Government Find People?

Ever since the Immigration Reform Bill debate began, we’ve heard Kennedy, McCain, Bush, etc. saying that it’s a practical impossibility to track down 12 million people and deport them.

Is it impossible? Tom Tancredo says “no, it’s not impossible.”

As for the tracking down part, would the government say it was a practical impossibility to track down 12 million people who, say, declined to pay taxes?

The United States is tracking terrorists by the bushel in foreign lands and in caves halfway around the world, but when it comes to illegal aliens in Philadelphia, New York, San Diego and Los Angeles, they “can’t find them”?

Maybe a good place to start would be one of the rallies.

As Neal Boortz said, the government doesn’t lack the ability, they lack the will.

Since When Can’t the Government Find People?

Ever since the Immigration Reform Bill debate began, we’ve heard Kennedy, McCain, Bush, etc. saying that it’s a practical impossibility to track down 12 million people and deport them.

Is it impossible? Tom Tancredo says “no, it’s not impossible.”

As for the tracking down part, would the government say it was a practical impossibility to track down 12 million people who, say, declined to pay taxes?

The United States is tracking terrorists by the bushel in foreign lands and in caves halfway around the world, but when it comes to illegal aliens in Philadelphia, New York, San Diego and Los Angeles, they “can’t find them”?

Maybe a good place to start would be one of the rallies.

As Neal Boortz said, the government doesn’t lack the ability, they lack the will.

George W. Bush: The Great Commuticator

Think what you will about President Bush’s commuting of Scooter Libby’s 2 1/2 year prison sentence — the right thinks Bush should have issued a full pardon, and the left believes this is cronyism run amok and that the administration thinks they’re above the law — but there’s one thing for certain: People who try to please everyone often end up ticking off almost everyone.

We need look no further than attempts at immigration “reform” for examples of this, but now the president has followed up the amnesty disaster with the commuting of the prison sentence of Scooter Libby — which is bound to earn Bush a legacy as “The Great Commuticator.”

Examples abound of Bush’s attempts to please everybody, resulting in an approval rating that has sunk so low that the polling has to be performed by Robert Ballard, where it is retrieved from just atop the approval rating of Congress.

The commutation of sentence, which rids Libby of jail time but keeps in place the fine and probation, is another futile “meet them halfway” gesture from a man who once said “you’re either with us or against us.” Instead, Bush has proven that he’ll reciprocate by ensuring he’s sort of with you, or just kind of against you, but open to either.

A full pardon for Libby could be on the way, probably on Bush’s last day in office, the brave way Bill Clinton offered many of his controversial pardons.

There should have been either a full pardon or nothing. Anything in between simply represents a lack of acceptance of responsibility on Bush’s part, or a failure to uphold accountability on Libby’s part.

“The sentence was too harsh” some said. Whatever side you take in the Libby debate, can we please throw out this argument? We have child molesters granted parole and hitting the streets to plan their next hideous crime while somebody who hid a joint between his butt cheeks and tried to get through airport security takes his space in a prison cell. When the rest of Americans are pardoned from unfair and sentences that don’t match the crime, I’ll finally have a grasp of this used as a reason for the commutation of Scooter Libby.

Double speak concerning national security, i.e. tough talk and actions against terrorism vs. embracing open borders and appeasement of political enemies are the kinds of things for which the Bush presidency will be best remembered. It’s too bad, because world events offered this administration an opportunity to shine, but instead they’re constantly trying to wipe the tarnish off the silver with a dirty rag and brown shoe polish.

And Libby’s isn’t the only sentence that’s been commuted. The Great Commuticator has also managed to commute this sentence: “The Bush presidency will be remembered for its uncompromising leadership.”

Final note for Scooter Libby: For your own good, please remember for any future testimony three simple words that have helped everybody from Hillary on down to avoid perjury convictions: I don’t remember.

Dreaded Daze Ahead for Bubba

Bill Clinton has been happy for many, many years by the side of the woman he loves. Problem is, it’s obvious that Hillary’s advisors have told the former prez to leave that women alone for a while and instead make more appearances with Hillary.

This week, Bill is in Iowa with Hillary, where they’ll participate in a 4th of July walk. As if having to hold hands with Hillary in the Pantsuit Parade weren’t enough, Bill’s got to try to talk about her instead of himself. Wow, that’s going to be about as easy as getting a dog with peanut butter on his balls to stop licking himself.

That said, Hillary must put up with Bill’s chronic narcissism as he is crucial to Hillary’s chances for the nomination, especially now that Obama is out-fundraising her. For those among us who were witness to the goings-on in the White House in the 1990’s and asked ourselves, “Why doesn’t she dump that guy?” This is why.

It’s been said and written on numerous occasions over the years that Hillary Clinton, champion “feminist,” wouldn’t be anywhere near where she is today without a man — specifically Bill Clinton. Like Jane Fonda, who billed herself as a “feminist” but yet had the audacity to get breast implants, Hillary Clinton is one of those “both ends against the middle” political hacks. In other words, if Hillary Clinton were black, she’d join the KKK to get the peckerwood vote and later spend some of the money she raised from the group on ads calling for stiffer penalties for hate crimes.

To many, it’s obvious and embarrassing. To an absolutely stunning number of people, a fake loving marriage that is as transparent as cellophane seems to be an attractive feature in a politician.

Too bad for Bill, because you know he can’t be thrilled with the looming hand-holding, hugs and kisses. It’s really going to cut into his dating time in the coming months.

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“Psst. Hillary. Thanks for last night.”

“We weren’t together last night.”

“I know.”

Monday's Column: Ted Kennedy's Final Plunge?

Today’s column at WorldNetDaily is on the shooting down of the Immigration Reform Bill by the American people, and the lesson this should impart for all other politicians. One of the lessons, as it concerns Democrats like Ted Kennedy joining forces with President Bush, is “never beat a horse into a coma if you might need to hitch your wagon to it at some point in the future.”

Click over to “Ted Kennedy’s final plunge?” for the story.

Monday’s Column: Ted Kennedy’s Final Plunge?

Today’s column at WorldNetDaily is on the shooting down of the Immigration Reform Bill by the American people, and the lesson this should impart for all other politicians. One of the lessons, as it concerns Democrats like Ted Kennedy joining forces with President Bush, is “never beat a horse into a coma if you might need to hitch your wagon to it at some point in the future.”

Click over to “Ted Kennedy’s final plunge?” for the story.

Captain America Assassinated

It turns out that shield wasn’t really good against bullets:

He was headed to court after refusing to sign the government’s Superhero Registration Act, a move that would have revealed his true identity. A sniper who fired from a rooftop was captured as police and Captain America’s military escort were left to cope with chaos in the streets.

In next month’s issue: The Incredible Hulk is summoned to testify before Congress on steroid abuse in the superhero profession.