Turns out there’s a virus that causes some of us to get fat. I just knew it wasn’t because we were eating too much:
New research announced Monday found that when human stem cells — the blank slate of the cell world — were exposed to a common virus they turned into fat cells. They didn’t just change, they stored fat, too.
While this may be a guilt-free explanation for putting on pounds, it doesn’t explain all or even most of America’s growing obesity problem. But it adds to other recent evidence that blames expanding waistlines on more than just super-sized appetites and underused muscles.
Scientists using electron microscopes have managed to isolate and photograph the virus and how it introduces itself into the body of its host:
Are you infected with the fat virus?
Call your doctor if you have any of the following symptoms: man-boobs; shelf-butt; dickdoo (when your gut hangs down farther than your dickdoo); harpoon scars; seismologists at nearby universities call to ask if you’re okay after a fall in the shower; your name is Michael Moore; doctors measure your blood cholesterol with a viscosity rating; necktie not long enough to get around neck; your son or daughter mercilessly subjected to “yo mamma so fat” jokes at school; or an erection that lasts longer than four hours after going to Baskin Robbins.